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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want a shower on my own....

70 replies

Thudercatsrule · 21/07/2018 17:53

Arghhh....just want to vent a bit. My DH and I don’t have a great sex life, my fault as I have no interest lately.

We’re away at Centreparcs at the moment and when he was sleeping yesterday I thought I’d jump in the shower, ours is broken at home so a fancy shower is a luxury at the mo. I was standing naked just about to get in and he woke up, he pounced on me, touching, me all over, when I said no, he sulked so badly I let him come i the shower with me, even tho it’s my time of month, really regret it now.

Now, he said sulking again because I said I want a shower on my own. Am I being selfish? I know I have no sex drive and don’t find him attractive anymore, but cant I have 10mins 😞

Arghhhhh.....

OP posts:

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/07/2018 10:19

Fluffypinkpyjamas it’s a good marriage about compromise, sex isn’t a tool to be used only when the women wants it, her husband is obviously looking to have sex with his wife, he may love and care for her and still find her attractive, he maybe confused and is trying different ways to start sex the OP is not communicating with her husband and frustration is growing all around

I presume you must have sex only when you want something

Oh do fuck off with your presumption. What could I possibly want that would require me to have sex to get it?! You’re weird. HTH .

stevesmithsmum · 22/07/2018 10:55

We do have sex, I don’t enjoy it, but I do it to keep the marriage on an even keel and if I didn’t have kids I’d leave

So, you’re using sex as a transactional tool?

Oh do fuck off with your presumption. What could I possibly want that would require me to have sex to get it?! You’re weird. HTH .

Maybe you could focus on the OP and drop the defensiveness.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/07/2018 11:43

Stevesmum, wind your neck in, I was addressing a post TO me. Nothing to do with you. Don’t address me, I have no interest in your opinion.

Bellends · 22/07/2018 11:51

Sounds like it's not just a shower you want on your own. You need to find the balls to end it and coparent. You need to leave because of the kids not stay because you've got them. I feel sorry for your husband but also for you.

Rosstac · 22/07/2018 11:57

Fluffypinkpyjamas You are very naive if you don’t think women use sex to get what they want, why else do very pretty young women go for very ugly rich men.

Original poster

Thudercatsrule · 22/07/2018 12:36

Some very interesting opinions, thanks all, much appreciated.

OP posts:

Sistersofmercy101 · 22/07/2018 15:11

What the flying monkeys in he'll did I just read??
Wow - so many posters on here totally unaware that coercive abuse is now a criminal offense! And that sexual assault is still a crime in marriage. .. according to some misogynist posters on here , if a man ain't getting any then he's allowed to paw at his wife and guilt trip her into sexual activity! !
No.
Get in the godamn past where your crappy views belong.
OP YADNBU you don't owe your husband access to your body. At all.

Chippyway · 22/07/2018 15:31

People are right the OP doesn’t owe him access

But she owes him a decent marriage that she committed to, and by not wanting sex with him and by not being honest, it’s only going to cause problems! She isn’t even trying to get help for not wanting sex! Expecting him to live in a sexless relationship is unfair

flamingomonkey · 22/07/2018 15:41

My ex used to bang on the bathroom door when I was in the shower demanding to use the loo or join me. He would sulk for days when I said no. We had two bathrooms and an additional loo. He also used to sulk when I refused to stop whatever I was doing to jump in the bath with him whenever he demanded I did. Apparently it was unreasonable to want to eat after work when he wanted to paw at me.

His behaviour is unacceptable and he doesn't have a right to sex with you. You need to split up x

fontofnoknowledge · 22/07/2018 15:45

Flunkypyjamas - I hate to think that they’re posts by women that just don’t mind being sexually pestered and think it’s normal

Yes, I am most definitely a woman. Most definitely in a long term very happy marriage.
The way sex works with most normal people who are in LTR goes like this....

Person A... (in the mood for sex) ... touches, caresses, whispers in ear of .. their intended. (Person B)
Person B .. (also up for it) ... responds to overture from Person A. OR
Person B .. (Not in the mood due to tiredness/stomach cramps/work deadlines/whatever reason) TELLS PERSON A. !!! Person A will be disappointed but find something else to do. This is because he or she is aware that the relationship is otherwise good and that this lack of sexual interest is temporary.

No one feels coerced, pawed, sexually abused. HTH

Oh do fuck off with your presumption. What could I possibly want that would require me to have sex to get it?! You’re weird. HTH .

Really, are you so naive not to realise that many many women have sex EVERYDAY with men who 'provide' for them. You don't have to look very far for the evidence. A prime example would be the woman who stands next to the current President of the USA. Do you think, for one moment, she would be married to him (and remain married to him) if he were a blue collar steelworker from Pittsburgh?

Sisterofmercy101
Wow - so many posters on here totally unaware that coercive abuse is now a criminal offense! And that sexual assault is still a crime in marriage. .. according to some misogynist posters on here , if a man ain't getting any then he's allowed to paw at his wife and guilt trip her into sexual activity! !
No.
Get in the godamn past where your crappy views belong.
OP YADNBU you don't owe your husband access to your body. At all.

What a complete and utter load of bollocks ! It's the likes of this kind of daft post that minimises real abuse situations. Dangerous and ridiculously dramatic. The DH in this case asked to share a shower. He did not subject his wife to sustained sexual coercion. See above for handy tips on normal relationship interaction.
The OP is not being 'coerced into sex' by a very very long chalk. She is choosing to have sex with her husband who she no longer fancies, because she doesn't want to tell him the truth about how she really feels. She wants to keep her marriage 'on an even keel' .. now do try and scratch your head and try and work out WHY that might be ??

The person being deceived here is the husband, who believes he is married to a women who wants to be with him. A not unnatural assumption considering she has married him and has two children together AND HAS NOT TOLD HIM ANYTHING TO THE CONTRARY.
If anything, it is HE who is being coerced into sex by her deception. I do not know many men who would want to have sex with a women "who wants to leave them". Sadly she hasn't had the kindness to tell him this.

bigredbed · 22/07/2018 15:51

How is this a big red flag situation?! You’re stringing him along. Just leave him and let him find someone who loves him back. You actually sound horrible.

Gogreen · 22/07/2018 15:53

Do s he know you endure sex and are only with him for the kids?
He would probably leave if he did....why don’t you just leave him. I would hate to be in a sexless loveless relationship.

Johnnyfinland · 22/07/2018 15:56

FFS, so all unannounced touching is abuse now? What about two people in a relationship who fancy each other and want to have sex? If one ‘gropes’ the other it may be a welcome advance, and if the person being touched isn’t into it, they say no, and the instigator accepts that and stops. Physical affection and advances are the norm in healthy relationships, I’d hate to be with someone who I felt didn’t want me touching them or never touched me. This, however, is not a healthy relationship. I think both parties would be better off single

WesternMeadowlark · 22/07/2018 16:00

Whether it reflects the facts of this case or not, this:

"The person being deceived here is the husband, who believes he is married to a women who wants to be with him. A not unnatural assumption considering she has married him and has two children together AND HAS NOT TOLD HIM ANYTHING TO THE CONTRARY.
If anything, it is HE who is being coerced into sex by her deception. I do not know many men who would want to have sex with a women 'who wants to leave them'. Sadly she hasn't had the kindness to tell him this"

is a very important point.

If you - general you - have any reason to suspect that the person you're having sex with would not consent if they knew you didn't like it, then you need to make sure they know. If they don't know, if you haven't been honest, then you are violating their right to informed consent.

This applies in situations where one partner has gone off the other, just as much as it does where one partner is gay or asexual.

Cheats who continue to have sex with their partner who would not consent if they knew about the cheating are also guilty in this regard.

The person who wants sex more is not necessarily the perpetrator, and the person who wants it less is not automatically the victim.

RainySeptember · 22/07/2018 16:36

Sisters,
*
This is definitely not coercive abusee, I actually think it's quite irresponsible to try to convince op, and others reading, that it is.

WesternMeadowlark · 22/07/2018 17:41

Quoting myself to correct:

"...just as much as it does where one partner is gay or asexual" or straight, of course, with a same-gender couple. I'm sorry for wording that in a way that excluded people in that situation and prioritised people in the opposite one. Either would be equally damaging and painful.

hiddeneverything · 22/07/2018 19:27

WOW OP....you just wanted a little rant about a little unwanted attention and suddenly there's a RAGING debate about sexual abuse!!!!

SandyY2K · 22/07/2018 19:30

Of course your entitled to shower alone.

I have no sex drive and don’t find him attractive anymore

But the above needs to be addressed.

SandyY2K · 22/07/2018 19:35

You need to be honest. Tell him you don't find him attractive anymore and that's why you don't want sex with him. He'll stop initiating it ... because no self respecting man (or woman) will want sex with someone who finds them unattractive.

Dissimilitude · 22/07/2018 20:51

You have the right to be left alone. He has the right to be in possession of all the facts with regards to your views on your mutual sex life.

The solution here is obvious.

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