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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want a shower on my own....

70 replies

Thudercatsrule · 21/07/2018 17:53

Arghhh....just want to vent a bit. My DH and I don’t have a great sex life, my fault as I have no interest lately.

We’re away at Centreparcs at the moment and when he was sleeping yesterday I thought I’d jump in the shower, ours is broken at home so a fancy shower is a luxury at the mo. I was standing naked just about to get in and he woke up, he pounced on me, touching, me all over, when I said no, he sulked so badly I let him come i the shower with me, even tho it’s my time of month, really regret it now.

Now, he said sulking again because I said I want a shower on my own. Am I being selfish? I know I have no sex drive and don’t find him attractive anymore, but cant I have 10mins 😞

Arghhhhh.....

OP posts:
Sistersofmercy101 · 22/07/2018 01:06

Wanting to have sex with someone is NOT an excuse for unwanted sexual touching or unreciprocated sexual advances. At all.
It's 2018 don't tell me that a grown man doesn't know when his advances are not wanted because she told him "nicely" no thanks - so he decides to emotionally blackmail her to get what he wants??
STOP excusing unacceptable sexual coercive behaviour - because that's exactly what you're doing sheep
Coercion - getting what you want by making the target feel negative emotional state- guilt or fear.
Seduction - getting what you want by causing the other person to feel positive emotional states and wanting to have mutually consenting sex.
So STOP excusing coercion, it's despicable and abusive.

PsychedelicSheep · 22/07/2018 01:23

I'm not excusing coercion, don't be so ridiculous. I'm just not excusing forcing a sexless marriage on someone either. Settle down.

Chippyway · 22/07/2018 04:09

I can see both sides

My DP often “gropes” me at home - not in a sleazy way, I do the same to him. I certainly would not class it as sexual harassment at all

If you don’t want him to do it then tell him

I can however understand why he would feel hurt and being rejected. Have you looked into why you don’t feel like having sex?

It’s a viscious circle. He makes a pass, you reject him, he sulks, so you don’t want to have sex with somebody who is sulking

RainySeptember · 22/07/2018 04:56

It must be awful being married to someone who doesn't fancy you or want sex ever.

Of course women don't have to have sex if they don't want to, but being repeatedly and constantly being told no must be soul destroying.

If op has decided that he now must be celibate then that's a pretty serious conversation. Maybe they have counselling to get the spark back, maybe he accepts the status quo. Maybe they separate. But it's not a unilateral decision and, to me, he sounds like someone who had hoped to rekindle a bit of romance and spontaneity on holiday.

itwasallveryfuckedup · 22/07/2018 05:05

Do you actually have no sex drive or are you just no longer attracted to him in particular?
Having sex with someone you're not attracted to would not be enjoyable.

fieryginger · 22/07/2018 05:12

Yanbu

1forAll74 · 22/07/2018 05:19

This just sounds like, well, I am on holiday,and have seen you naked, and now need some sexual time... This is a no no if you don't find your man desirable anymore. And as for a sulking male,well,, sulk away then,

tillytown · 22/07/2018 05:25

A woman was coerced into sex, and you're calling her selfish? Wow. The MRAs are out in force tonight.

serialcheat · 22/07/2018 05:47

Serious question:

Why are you even still together !?

Part ways, and you have a non active sex life with your own space with no one pawing at you......

He eventually meets someone who enjoys sex, mutually with him.....

Both happy.

Original poster
Thudercatsrule · 22/07/2018 07:44

We do have sex, I don’t enjoy it, but I do it to keep the marriage on an even keel and if I didn’t have kids I’d leave 😔

OP posts:
Rosstac · 22/07/2018 08:02

So your husband has to wait to be told its ok to touch you in a loving sexual way ( groping) my husband and I love a cheeky grope, adds a bit of spontaneity to our love life

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/07/2018 08:05

He sounds awful, groping then sulking. I would find it hard to find this man attractive too. There are better ways to indicate you’d like sex.

Rosstac · 22/07/2018 08:15

kalinkafoxtrot45 such as, perhaps he has and all of his ways keep getting rejected, if op doesn’t love him anymore do the decent thing and move on, it’s unfair on her,him and the children

PippilottaLongstocking · 22/07/2018 08:19

Sounds like my ex, grabbing and sulking. 7 years on and I’m trying to get a non mol against him!

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/07/2018 08:20

Seems to be a lot of posts slating the OP and I have to hope they’re from men with nothing better to do because they’re single due to their shit attitudes to sex and women.

I hate to think that they’re posts by women that just don’t mind being sexually pestered and think it’s normal Hmm

gamerchick · 22/07/2018 08:21

We do have sex, I don’t enjoy it, but I do it to keep the marriage on an even keel and if I didn’t have kids I’d leave

If you carry on doing that you'll end up hating him. If your marriage is unsalvageable then you have to split up. When you get home talk to him about your relationship.

Jables · 22/07/2018 08:25

My husband will often appear in the bathroom, hopeful that he can jump in the shower with me.

9 times out of 10 I tell him to get lost.

If he started groping me I would slap him!

Your husband is clearly sexually frustrated and I do agree that you at least need to have a conversation about that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2018 08:27

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of example did your parents show you?.

You should not be staying within this marriage for the sake of the children nor should you be having sex just to keep the marriage on an even keel. These are both terrible reasons.

Do not make your kids the reason that you are staying either, you are staying for your own reasons here. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?. Do you want such a loveless marriage like you describe to be their norm too?.

banjaxedeejit · 22/07/2018 08:30

I used to be like your husband, only difference being I am female. I would make advances on my husband and he would reject me all the time. I used to sulk and was accused of being needy. All I wanted was to feel sexy and loved. Turns out he didn't love me. Long story short, we're now divorced and much happier.

Sounds like there's more going on than the lack of sex in your relationship and I hope you find the strength to deal with it all. Good luck

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2018 08:33

You should leave him.
Don't have sex just to keep the peace when you don't enjoy it. His attitude is shit as well. Sulking is hugely unattractive. Seriously op, can you leave him?

fontofnoknowledge · 22/07/2018 08:35

Fgs there are some people on here with bizarre sex lives. Do you send a letter asking for permission to touch your spouse . ? Surely spontaneity is completely lost with all the expectations of being sure, absolutely sure-your not just saying that- do you feel coerced- checks before he is allowed to lay a finger on you ? Do you have flag systems with green go and red No ? It's ridiculous. A spouse of EITHER sex should be allowed to make a sexual advance to their other half without feeling they need to send a formal request. The other half has the absolutely right to say, sorry 'not now'. Without sulking.

The issue with this particular scenario is the lack of honesty from the OP.
She is telling her husband 'not now'. When she means 'I don't fancy you and actually never want to have sex with you again - and in fact would leave you but I have kids and need your income to be able to maintain our current lifestyle' . ' I know I have sex with you when I have to, but I don't enjoy it and only do it to keep the marriage going for the reasons mentioned above - you have probably noticed my complete lack of interest and the rejection has made you increasingly needy. Sorry about that. It's not going to change and yes, I know I am being inherently dishonest with you.'

Give that a try OP. Or you could continue to blame someone for trying to 'spark up' your marriage, that he has been encouraged to think is just in the doldrums when in fact you want out. If this was a man posting you would be told to grow a pair and leave. To give your partner a chance for a full physical relationship with someone who actually wants to be with them.

This is not about the shower.

Rosstac · 22/07/2018 08:35

Fluffypinkpyjamas it’s a good marriage about compromise, sex isn’t a tool to be used only when the women wants it, her husband is obviously looking to have sex with his wife, he may love and care for her and still find her attractive, he maybe confused and is trying different ways to start sex the OP is not communicating with her husband and frustration is growing all around.
I presume you must have sex only when you want something

Rosstac · 22/07/2018 08:37

fontofnoknowledge well said

RainySeptember · 22/07/2018 08:37

I don't usually ask permission to touch my dp. I hope it doesn't come across as groping and pawing. I think he'd be disappointed if I didn't!

To me, this is just a matter of perception. If you fancied him, you'd welcome him trying it on and the occasional no wouldn't bother him.

Sulking isn't attractive, but I think he'd describe it as hurt feelings or 'couldn't hide my disappointment'.

I think it's worse now you've explained that you endure sex with him and are only with him for the children. Do you think he can't tell?

This isn't fair on you, or him. Neither of you deserve this miserable existence for the next however-long until the dc are adults. Please be honest with him. I hate that you are having sex with someone you aren't attracted to. I hate that he's having sex with someone who wants to leave him.

Scott72 · 22/07/2018 09:38

I agree with RainySeptember. Tell him the truth OP. Tell him you are completely uninterested in sex with him and you don't see this changing.

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