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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I need help,where to start?

40 replies

Trappedandstuck2018 · 21/07/2018 11:40

I lurke a lot reading other threads,one really stood out today.
I have made excuses for my DH,his insecurity being my fault,therefore taking the blame for his financial and sometimes emotional abuse,it didnt seem that bad and as I felt it was also my fault and because hes a nice guy,others think so too,I put up with it.
I guess my line in the sand was physical ans sexual abuse,Id always said Id leave someone like that.
Reading a thread this morning has really made me question my relationship in a way I havent before and its shaken me.
We met pretty young,I was also raped,so my idea of what was healthy sexually may have been skewed.
I have never been enough for him sexually,he constantly wants it and gets very moody and sulks when he doesnt.
He constantly touches me,when Im cooking ,doing the dishes other mundane tasks,comes in when Im relaxing in the bath,trying to instigate sex.He also does this when Im asleep,I hate it,Ive told him that,he says hes just showing his affection and cant keep his hands off me,That its normal. Sorry if TMI ,but also wont use lube when wanting anal,says it spoilts the feeling,Ive told him it sometimes hurts,he said thats just normal too.
I feel like my body is not my own,Ive hated sex for so long,but thought it was the rape.
Im not happy,but finacially and logistically Im stuck.
What do I do ,can he change??? Objectively how bad is this.
Sorry for any mistakes,typing on phone.

OP posts:
MonoClue · 21/07/2018 12:18

He’s not a nice guy.
He is sexually abusing you.
When you think of what you want in a relationship is this it? Abuse, gaslighting, not to mention the potential injuries due to his refusal to use lubricant because he prefers not to.
Does he stop if you say no? If not, he’s raping you.
I’ve seen the freedom programme reccomended many times on here, I think it would help you immensely.
And phone women’s aid for advice.
I’m sure others will be able to give more practical advice, my own is to get away as soon as possible. It’s unlikely to get better and more likely to get worse over time.
I appreciate this is easy for me to say, but quite honestly your post has made me worried for your safety.

Yankeescot · 21/07/2018 12:25

Omg OP, that sounds awful! This is abusive and sounds as if he has no regard for your safety. Quite honestly he sounds a selfish cunt only out for his own desires with no regard for you, You deserve so much better.

Do you have family or a close friend you could go stay with for a few days to get some clarity? Also, what is the financial abuse about? Is he overspending or keeping you on a tight leash and not able to afford household necessities?

Original poster
Trappedandstuck2018 · 21/07/2018 12:36

Yankeescot the financial abuse is more keeping me on a very tight lease,leaving me with little money,having to ask for more,only get it,if he agrees its needed or necessary.
I live a very long way from family and no friends Im close enough too,that could ask for help.

OP posts:
InternalGangsta · 21/07/2018 12:45

Your post was so distressing to read. Please call Women's Aid to get help to leave this abusive man. And seek counselling asap Thanks

Original poster
Trappedandstuck2018 · 21/07/2018 12:48

To be honest MonoClue I dont often say no its not worth the sulking and the moods if I do,Ive talked with him afterwards about it hurting,but doesnt seem to make a difference.

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 21/07/2018 12:52

Oh darlin that sounds just awful. You shouldn't be living like this. He sounds very controlling in all aspects and has got to be absolutely disastrous to your self esteem and sense of self worth. You deserve so much better than this! He sounds such an abusive arse! Not wanting to use lube for anal because it will spoil his sensation? Really? What an absolute wankstain.
This is not a normal relationship and you shouldn't have to live like this. Try and look into some local resources for support. Is there a CAB closeby that could recommend any resources for you? I've no experience with the Freedom Programme but hear wonderful things about it!
You are being abused dolly, it needs to stop. I've been there when I was much younger so I can relate. You need some help to find your inner strength and get away from this absolute arse. Life is much smoother and happier when you develop an allergy to bullshit behaviour.

Pleasebecareful · 21/07/2018 12:58

Oh darling

I can honestly say that I am so so thankful that you read tigers thread, so that you can finally see that all you have been feeling is right, he is a horrible person, you should not have to live your life like this, please get out, take the advice of the women who have walked this path before you, you have every right to say NO as often as you want and to have that respected. Wishing you strength x

category12 · 21/07/2018 12:58

You're in a very abusive relationship and you could talk to Women's Aid and domestic abuse services about how best to get out of it.

Do you have dc?

ooohsopink · 21/07/2018 13:04

Please do everything you can to leave this man ASAP. Please! This is the best it will ever be - and it's bad now...

The abuse will escalate no matter what you do - this is a no win situation for you and you need to stay safe.

Please try to contact someone to help you - here are some links:

Women's Aid - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Freedom Programme - http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
National Domestic Abuse Help - http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

I am so sorry you are going through this but you've made a brave move forward by realising what is happening so, if you can, you need to take the next step x

Thanks
RandomMess · 21/07/2018 13:07

Please please please make contact with WA and leave your abuser Thanks

Original poster
Trappedandstuck2018 · 21/07/2018 13:13

Thank you all for you kind words,knowing I can talk about it,without feeling like I'm crazy helps!!!
Yes I do have children.
Logistically it's hard to leave ,even though I know probably should.
But I don't drive ,getting my children to school ,shopping getting to work is very difficult without him,We live rurally, getting to CAB requires 2 buses and nearly 2 hours of travelling!!
Thank you for making me feel less alone.

OP posts:
MonoClue · 21/07/2018 13:49

You seem almost accepting of what’s happening to you OP. But, you are becoming aware. Keep talking here when you can.
He’s an utter cunt!
Can you speak to your local council and see about rehousing? Do you have a women’s refuge near you? I’m sure they’d advise you to get out as quickly as possible.
You deserve so much more than this Flowers

Jsd1975 · 21/07/2018 14:03

This is awful I really feel for you ...
I hope you get help soon ...
Try (let’s talk ) they might be able to put help your way ... they have helped me x

Yankeescot · 21/07/2018 14:10

Just keep posting here with questions and for support OP. A lot of us have unfortunately been there so can offer the support when you need it. And hopefully you'll gain some necessary strength to push you through this awful reality you're currently living, xx

notthisagain83 · 21/07/2018 14:20

OP please please leave this man. He is sexually abusing you.

Yes its not going to be easy by any means but i PROMISE you that its not going to be as hard as living the rest of your life with this guy.

Mishappening · 21/07/2018 14:29

You really really do NOT have to put up with any of this at all.

It is your body and all sexual encounters should be something you both want to do; and the way it is done should also be a joint decision.

You must not continue allowing yourself to be abused in this way. I know it is hard to know where right and wrong lie when you are with a man who dominates your thoughts as well as your body; but I think that all the messages here are very clear indeed - you must leave him. His behaviour is not acceptable.

Please contact Womens Aid and a solicitor.

I hear what you are saying about the practical considerations - I too live in a rural area - but there will be answers to all of these - you just need to make the important decision that you are worth more than this subservient life.

You have the rest of your life to live and you owe it to yourself to break free from this and make a new happier life for yourself. And to your children - they need a decent father and they do not have one - not caring about your physical pain is abuse pure and simple.

Sexually you do not have to do anything at all that you do not want to do. Ever.

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/07/2018 14:36

So sorry.
You have posted because you know that this is not acceptable or loving behaviour. Telling your story is the first step towards taking back control of your life and escaping from this horrible human being. Ring WA . Best of luck

Original poster
Trappedandstuck2018 · 21/07/2018 17:13

Feeling even worse,we'd had a particularly bad day yesterday,reading the thread this morning really made me stop and think,So when he started up with it today,I stood up for myself,just a bit and this led to a huge argument,I walked out to give us some time to cool down,I was very upset,I reached out to some friends,Just wanted someone to talk too. All of them were to busy,didn't have the time.
I've never felt so alone.

OP posts:
MonoClue · 21/07/2018 17:26

Firstly, well done for standing up for yourself.
Secondly, you’ve got all of us here to listen and offer a virtual handhold. I get it’s not the same as a physical presence but we’re here.
Are you safe?

Original poster
Trappedandstuck2018 · 21/07/2018 17:34

Thank you,Yes I'm safe,I feel proud of myself for doing it and like a spark of the old me is coming back. The virtual support really means a lot.

OP posts:
MonoClue · 21/07/2018 17:42

You have every right to be proud of yourself. I’m proud of you! Hold onto that feeling and be kind to yourself.
Is there anything you could do or treat yourself to? Chocolate, music or maybe something comforting to you?

bethy15 · 21/07/2018 18:03

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry, your post is very hard to read, it's so distressing what he''s doing to you.

Things you say, like he won't use lube when he wants anal and it hurts you. I'm guessing you don't want anal at all? You don't say when you both want it, it seems it's only him that's being serviced here, despite your pain/suffering or even if your not into it.

Do you have a GP you could confide in to try to make a strategy to leave? It's hard when you live so remote.
Contact women's aid, maybe it seems hard for now, but you could possibly stay in a refuge.

He's doing these things while you are asleep? If so, you could call the police on him, especially as you have told him you don't want that.

You cannot live like this.

Jables · 21/07/2018 18:05

I haven't read the whole thread - but what a fucking arsehole he is.

You certainly do have a skewed perspective.

You're not a blow up doll for him to use at his disposal.

Jables · 21/07/2018 18:08

Sorry I misread and thought it said 240 posts not 24 - hence not reading the thread.....

Anyway, there is always a way out. Please remember that. How old are your children? He is absolutely vile and you should not have to live the rest of your life beholden to this sorry excuse of a man.

Singlenotsingle · 21/07/2018 18:11

That's disgusting. How do you put up with it? Tell him no again next time, in fact NEVER again. What are you, his personal sex doll?

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