Think I need help,where to start?

[Trappedandstuck2018]

I lurke a lot reading other threads,one really stood out today.
I have made excuses for my DH,his insecurity being my fault,therefore taking the blame for his financial and sometimes emotional abuse,it didnt seem that bad and as I felt it was also my fault and because hes a nice guy,others think so too,I put up with it.
I guess my line in the sand was physical ans sexual abuse,Id always said Id leave someone like that.
Reading a thread this morning has really made me question my relationship in a way I havent before and its shaken me.
We met pretty young,I was also raped,so my idea of what was healthy sexually may have been skewed.
I have never been enough for him sexually,he constantly wants it and gets very moody and sulks when he doesnt.
He constantly touches me,when Im cooking ,doing the dishes other mundane tasks,comes in when Im relaxing in the bath,trying to instigate sex.He also does this when Im asleep,I hate it,Ive told him that,he says hes just showing his affection and cant keep his hands off me,That its normal. Sorry if TMI ,but also wont use lube when wanting anal,says it spoilts the feeling,Ive told him it sometimes hurts,he said thats just normal too.
I feel like my body is not my own,Ive hated sex for so long,but thought it was the rape.
Im not happy,but finacially and logistically Im stuck.
What do I do ,can he change??? Objectively how bad is this.
Sorry for any mistakes,typing on phone.

If I'm honest bethy15, I've virtually know libido at all,I never really want or feel like sex of any sort, but I know a marriage can't survive like that,So no quite often I don't want anal,but I probably don't communicate this properly to him as he would get upset and take it as a rejection.

I've never had anal, and never had anyone ask for it either. It's unhygienic, and dangerous. It also sounds painful. What pleasure can a woman get out of it?

Please seek out help. You shouldn't be put through this. If you don't want this, it hurts your body even more.

And, can I ask, is he doing things while you sleep? This is an important question.

Yes, sometimes in the morning he will try to instigate things or when I've fallen asleep before him,he says it's just because he's attracted to me and is trying to see if I'm up for it.

With him as a partner it’s no wonder you’ve no sex drive, how the hell are you supposed to feel like sex when he treats you the way he does? Especially given what else you’ve been through.

Nobody tries to have sex with a sleeping person to see if they are up for it or because they are attracted to them. He's a sexual predator, and because you are in a weakened state he is pouncing on you.

You said you probably don’t communicate properly? Do you realise this is so common in abusive relationships? You’ve been ground down so much you’re blaming yourself for his actions. Please don’t.
I bet you think it’s quicker and easier to just let him get on with it than try to say no, because you just know he’s going to be moody and bad tempered and keep going on and on until he gets what he wants anyway?
If he’s trying to have sex with you when you’re asleep he’s committing a criminal offence.

MonoClue,you have hit the nail on the head,that's exactly what happens!!! And for a little while if he gets what he wants ,he's sweet and kind and thoughtful, makes me feel like I'm the problem.

Is your dc young enough to have a Health Visitor? You may be able to access help that way.

No sweetheart. You’re not the problem. The problem is you’re living with a total cuntmuffin

Are you ok, @Trappedandstuck2018 ?

What you describe is vile sexual abuse. I bet you've got no friends locally, as he got rid because he didn't like them or some other excuse.

Sticking up for yourself is great, but I think long term you've got to be planning how to escape from this bastard. No one deserves what he's doing to you.

Hi BeachyUmbrella
I was going to say yes I'm fine,as I do in RL if anyone asks!!! Because no one really wants to know that your not.
I am ok but coming to the realisation that I really need to get out of this relationship for all our sakes.
Because neither of us are happy, maybe if I didn't hate sex,DH wouldn't behave the way he does.
I am fed up having sex I don't really want,I want to feel fulfilled and happy too.
After the weekend we had,with all the arguments,he thought sex was a good idea this morning,I was semi awake this morning,lying there thinking if I keep my eyes closed will he stop,knowing if I wake up I'm either going to have to say no and have him sulk and moan and act like a child,Or I'm going to have to have sex ,when I don't want too,neither of those are great options, how did my life end up like this.
It may take time,But I need to get out, I know I will,I've been through worse,I need to find the old me again.

Are you able to ring women’s aid today OP?
Make a start by getting any paperwork, birth certificates, passports

Hit post too soon.
Try and find somewhere you can stash them he won’t find them. Is there any chance you can pack a small bag with a few immediate essentials for you and your children that you can hide somewhere just in case you need to leave quickly?
Do what you need to do to feel safe and be kind to yourself today (is he at work?) You’ve had a mentally draining weekend so you’re likely to feel really emotional today.