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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

One of my best friends is having an affair with her married boss,I’ve tried to tell her this is going to end in tears and mainly her tears, but she won’t listen

47 replies

LardLizard · 21/07/2018 08:31

It’s got to the point now that we actually came to quite a big row about this yesterday
I don’t know what to do

I’ve told her he’s highly unlikely to leave his wife b kids, that she deserves more than a few sraps here and there

But she said she loves him like she’s never loved anyone in her life

Don’t know what to do, she’s just not listening to me
I’ve said to her well if he really wants to be with you he will leave
And she is all like, it’s going to take time
Where I can’t see how him leaving in six months time is going to be any easier then leaving now
Probably be even harder

Plus I’m guessing the fact he’s her boss, once things are over he will want her out

OP posts:

fieryginger · 22/07/2018 11:13

I think all you can do is tell her the truth, which you've done and hope she lands with a gentle bump, not one that destroys her life.

It's difficult because you love her and, even though she's behaving badly, you don't want her hurt.

twiglet · 22/07/2018 11:15

Unfortunately you can't the only thing you can do is say I don't agree with what you are doing so for our friendship please don't speak about it to me as its against what I believe in.

I did this with a friend who was so boastful of an affair with a married man. She wasn't happy with my response said she wasn't doing anything wrong as was single. I explained she was just as much in the wrong as she knew it would destroy a family and if she was cheated on she would be heartbroken.

We still speak but she is a bit stand offish with me will only do the politeness etc I can't say I'm bothered she's made her bed she has to lie in it, she chose an affair over 6 friendships (I wasn't on my own with not wanting to hear about it). 18 months later he's still with his wife she keeps her life on hold but I know she is miserable but she won't give it up. Her choice.

beanaseireann · 22/07/2018 11:22

I believe a truly nice person would not have an affair.
They wouldn't hurt other people - the wife and children.
It's a standard of human decency they wouldn't cross.
That's not to minimise the cheating husbands role.

If a friend of mine was having an affair I would call her out in it and move on from the friendship.
Our moral codes would be too different.

I have seen the hurt caused by infidelity.

Original poster

LardLizard · 22/07/2018 11:32

Why a married man ? I know what she would say to that
That she’s loves him like she’s never loved anyone before

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 22/07/2018 16:42

Why do you still want to be friends with and see her?

SandyY2K · 22/07/2018 18:31

Why a married man?

Because he's the one available. Had she been in a relationship with a single guy she loved...she probably wouldn't be where she is.

Does she have self esteem?

How long was she single before the MM?

Limited options lead people to settle for what's on offer?

These are sometimes why affairs seem appealing.

You have a guy chasing you and feel flattered. He has to pur the effort in because why else would any woman accept being the sidepiece.

Original poster

LardLizard · 22/07/2018 21:27

Looopy because I think she’s making. A mistake
Because she got low self esteem
And in many her ways she a lovey person
But she’s been through a lot with her ex

I just hope she can see sense soon

OP posts:

Curiousquestioning · 23/07/2018 00:13

If she has low self-esteem, she should get in line as many people do .., it really is no excuse for getting involved with a married man.

A close friend of mine hit involved in what can only be described as a shit-storm with a married man. I tried my best to be a good friend & be non-judgemental but really I was reeling...she ahways described it as 'falling in love with someone else.' She never once used the word 'affair.' Meanwhile, he had a wife & children. His poor poor wife & children.

So he left his wife & children for my friend & her feelings changed because he had mental health issues. I held her hand through all of this, late-night calls, ruined get-togethers, endless tearfests... yet I still feel angry thinking about it.

My advice would be to distance yourself now. Do not get involved with what can only be an awful, heartbreaking situation. Married men are off-limits for so many reasons & even though my marriage isn't in a great place right now, I could never put my DH through that. Some bloody empathy & morality surely has to kick in.

Curiousquestioning · 23/07/2018 00:14

[got involved, not 'hit' involved]

Monty27 · 23/07/2018 00:23

Sorry but I wouldn't respect anyone who did this. I know this is horrible but she deserves everything she gets if it goes wrong.
Someone always gets hurt in these scenarios. It'll be the wife first of all.

Loopytiles · 23/07/2018 07:50

None of those things excuse her behaviour, which is harmful to others.

Of course, her married bf is worse.

It seems you want to stay friends and stay out of it, so a PP’s suggestion of refusing to discuss her relationship at all seems sensible.

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2018 07:57

Ask her what she’s going to do at Christmas when he still hadn’t left as there hasn’t been a right moment to leave...and how long she will then play his games with him having two woman

Original poster

LardLizard · 23/07/2018 09:26

Yep I’ve had the Christmas convo with her, how crap it’s goign to be for her to not see the pe she thinks she loves at Xmas as he will be with his wife and kids
I think that’s when he will finish it after Christmas

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 23/07/2018 09:29

How old is she?

Amanda123444 · 23/07/2018 17:22

She is in LOVE........ That obviously means she is blind mentally... You know it will be wrong for her boss to leave his kids for her, her love is going to be painful for his wife and kids...... And there is no certainty that she will have him in her life forever......... Every body pays the price of destroying somebody's family, so go straight to the bosses family and tell his wife......... Everything will be revealed there......... Either do something or stay frustrated, choice is yours

CornishGoblin · 23/07/2018 22:06

Is that love or infatuation? How old are they?

Amanda123444 · 03/08/2018 19:32

@lardlizard.......what is the current status of your friend

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2018 19:54

Youve made your opinion clear so you'll have to stop going on about it now. She's an adult. Don't be her sounding board for when she has doubts/wants to vent/it all goes wrong though. You likely won't want to hear it, and that is your right.

When it ends and there's an outpouring of grief (I'm recalling a couple of friends in same situation years ago) it can be a real test of your friendship.

MM being sole topic of conversation, the tears, the phone calls in the early hours....my head would literally throb and I couldn't take the strain and intensity of it. all. It killed our friendship eventually.

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2018 19:58

I'm a great believer that we don't HAVE to have and be with someone just because we love them - they may be no good for you. We will not die for lack of them I don't subscribe to 'love is blind'. I believe love can be 'wilful', tho

Screaminginsidemeagain · 03/08/2018 20:31

Don’t trust her - women who see no problem seeing married men have very dodgy morals. If she can do it to a stranger she can do it to you.

Trust me I know.

My BFF and I fell out over her affair with a married man. We made up and she went on to have an affair with another married man and my husband.

needyourlovingtouch · 03/08/2018 20:44

@LardLizard how long has it been going on?

Is there any way that you can find out if he has a track record of this.

Do you have a partner so she sees the difference in a normal healthy relationship to sneaking around?

I doubt she wants to be a step mum. This must be a massive self esteem boost that the boss wants her.

Is he much wealthier than her?

Ilady · 03/08/2018 21:31

You have told your friend the truth. The man she is with is having his cake and eating it and she is getting nothing but the crumbs. She is waiting for him to leave his wife which won't happen. He knows that if he leaves home he will still have to pay a mortgage, for the kids ect. He will also have to deal with an ex wife, ex in laws and his child/children hating him.
Why would he give up his comfortable life for your friend?
You friend may not realise that some of her co worker s know what's going on between him and her. I would not be surprised if this man has form for doing this.
You told her how you feel. At this stage I would consider if you want her friendship. I am sure her other friends have said the same to her as most women would not get involved with a married man or a married boss.
Do you stay around to hear about their stolen moments, that his wife is horrible ect
Do you want to be available when he tells her to get lost, when his wife finds out or when her situation in work becomes difficult?
In your situation I would not be as available friendship wise for her. I have seen people get good advice from friends and continue to go down the wrong path. Then they wonder why their lives are in such a mess and their friends are nowhere to be seen.

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