One of my best friends is having an affair with her married boss,I’ve tried to tell her this is going to end in tears and mainly her tears, but she won’t listen

[LardLizard]

It’s got to the point now that we actually came to quite a big row about this yesterday
I don’t know what to do

I’ve told her he’s highly unlikely to leave his wife b kids, that she deserves more than a few sraps here and there

But she said she loves him like she’s never loved anyone in her life

Don’t know what to do, she’s just not listening to me
I’ve said to her well if he really wants to be with you he will leave
And she is all like, it’s going to take time
Where I can’t see how him leaving in six months time is going to be any easier then leaving now
Probably be even harder

Plus I’m guessing the fact he’s her boss, once things are over he will want her out

I understand you’re concerned for your friend but you’ve said what you think to her now so I would just accept her decision and listen to her from now.
If you are too forceful with your point of view then when it ends in tears she won’t want to tell you or accept support from you as she’ll feel that you’re just thinking I told you so.

She knows your thoughts on it now, I would just avoid any further conversations about it. If she starts to talk to you about it, just either try and change the subject or take the direct route and tell her outright you’d rather not discuss it again.

Her boss is having his cake and eating it whilst she is thinking of herself and not what her actions will do to a family.
He will be peddling all sorts of lies to her that he only stays because of the kids, they never sleep together etc and she has fell for it like a mug.
1: IF he leaves his wife is she prepared for the package that brings? Children who won't like her, a messy divorce that she will be brought into the middle of etc
2: IF he leaves she will always be the OW and if he's done it once what's the garentee that he wouldn't do it again.
3:she needs to examine her conscious

You can't make her end it but maybe highlight some realities she may not have considered......

Her life, her choice, her mistake. We have to learn our own lessons.

Believe me it won’t be mostly her tears it will be mostly those of his wife and children (if there are any)

We have actually rowed about this, I’ve said what you’ve just said to me that he will be telling her all sorts of lies
But she says on no he is always straight up with me
And that she KNOWS he’s genuine

He’s just recently been away on holiday with his family, and he’s been saying that his wife bagged him to go and that he couldn’t put it off any longer
I very much doubt things are that shit at home if he’s off on holiday with them all

Then when she’s not understanding that I’m getting fed up about all this she says oh I’m seeing so and so later all excited, expecting me to be excited for her
I simply reply
Don’t get too excited, she what his actions are first
(As in there will be no action, he won’t have left )
It’s like she expects me to say oh how exciting have a lovely time

Other than try to engage in conversations with her about him
I guess I just need to step back a bit

Try not to, I mean
As I don’t want to hear it as it’s going to cause rows

I cut my friend off for he consistently being the ow, it highlighted to me that our moral values were just too different . She was also one of them ones that was quite jealous , whenever I had anything happen , for example a pay rise, she would clearly be non congratulatory and sometimes even ignore the whole topic .

She was a selfish person when I look back and I’m really glad I cut ties when I did ,

This happened with a close family member. She wasted 3-4 years on her boss. Love was blind, she was besotted, impressed by his wealth, status etc. I'm not condoning her actions, but she was very immature and I don't think she comprehended how seriously shitty the whole situation was.

When she finally realised and started stepping back, he became very angry and controlling. She ended up having no choice but to leave her job.

As a family, we let her know what we thought and took a step back. We knew it would never work because he would never be able to deal with the reputation and financial fallout of a divorce.

She doesn't do confrontation well, so I slowly planted seeds when they arose in conversation. As twiglet said, mentioning the whole divorce package, child maintenance, the fact he's a lying cheating scumbag, made her slowly realise it wasn't going to be rosey.

I'd find it hard to listen to that level of idiocy. Sometimes people just don't want to hear the truth though. I remember once very kindly and gently trying to tell a friend that consistently pinning all her hopes and sense of self on whether some guy called or not was a recipe for unhappiness. We fell out badly.

I think now I would be less direct. Can you say to her that you hope it works out but you're uncomfortable hearing about it and would prefer she didn't mention him at all?

How old is she?

I would no longer want to be friends, and if I knew how to find her I would tell his wife!

It would really put me off being her friend tbh.

A friend of mine has a secret son to a bloke she had a affair with. She STILL keeps the identity secret (I know who it is) because he throws her a few scraps occasionally and I think she believes when his other kids are older he will leave

I’ve really started to dislike her as a person

Avoid your mate

TBH its her life and not yours. You are being judgemental and that's your call. You have said what you think but she really doesn't have to do what you say. Of course it is wrong and it will probably end badly.
You are being controlling. Why would you even be posting about this given that its nothing to do with you? Either go NC or accept this is what she's doing.

Similar situation weirdly but my friend doesn't know she's the OW. I've just found out she is. You can only say what you feel and it's horrible because they're so "in love" but when it comes crashing down turn you'll just have to be her friend and be there for her or if it goes as she sees it be prepared to smile on the wedding photos! It's horrible when you care about your friend but she won't listen. It's breaking my heart with her but mine won't be able to bury her head anymore now I've got proof x

If the company has a policy against this, it may be his tears that come first.

O.P some men do leave their families for the ow as my Father did my Mother. The tears were 100% ours (mine especially ) as I was nine so aware of what was happening.
I will never forget them telling me this. She was his work colleague he was her boss, we had been introduced to her as one of dads friends , we had been at her house and he left his brief case there I said dad don’t forget your casehe said don’t worry will explain later. He left that very night ! Pain and loss was awful, we barely saw him as he and ow moved 40 miles away- odd weekends here and there. I still to this day won’t trust a man, was let down horrendously I have someone in my lifetime and he’s lovely but always low level worry for me. In the end dad and ow split up, he developed alcoholism and sadly died about eight years later. I will never fully understand his alcoholism but I think guilt and regret to what he had done played a huge part. In the end there were no winners. Sad story really. Your friend is disgusting and so is the man

She won't listen to you. People having affairs never do because they are so caught up in it.

Tell her you don't want to hear about it anymore.

When he's exposed and she gets dumped...she'll realise what you were saying.

If he happens to leave his wife...she's got herself a cheater and can look forward to dealing with an angry Ex and his kids. Good luck to her.

Thanks for helping get this straight In my head
I’m not going to cut all ties with her
I am judging I suppose
We all do really as they how we find our way through life and make decsions
I would be extremely surprised hold he does leave his wife and kids

So all I can do really is think
Well I’ve told her how I feel
It’s going to end badly
But if she carries on, and starting talking about him, in that excited way expecting me to be excited and happy for her....
I’m just going to shut that conversation down
Not sure how but I just don’t want to hear about how she can’t wait to see him etc

She is a nice person but I think she must have very low sense of self esteem
Which is a shame as she has everything else going for her

A relationship should wait until both parties are single imo. There’s a power imbalance and depending on company policy and culture if it comes out either she will be pushed out or he will lose his job.

I wouldn’t be able to watch this car crash. I certainly couldn’t be excited for her. I think I would have to go with I love you but I don’t like what you’re doing and take a step back.

You don't know it won't work out but I would say it's largely irrelevant.

I would ask her why this relationship has become so important to her, as I expect she will say because it makes her feel x or y. Then the question to ask her is why she can't make herself feel like that. Self esteem?

The best gift she can give herself is not this man but her happiness on her terms, her financial independence and a career....she'd find that argument hard to push back on.

It's not like her focussing on herself and her goals would put him off and if it does then ........

She is a nice person

She really isn’t.

It's the old cliche affair with the boss.

He can't just get rid of her if it ends. In fact as her superior he could be the one in trouble here.

It's very easy to enjoy an affair, because it's all fun and not dealing with the reality of life in most cases.

The sneakimg off for lovers trysts can be exciting for a while. That is until she gets fed up off being a secret.

Just wish I could make her see sense, but I just cannot her through to her
just don’t want to see her getting hurt
Or think of the wife and children being hurt or even damaged for life

She is most certainly not a nice person ! She could potentially blow at least two other innocent people’s worlds apart !
If she walks away from him now at least she will have some sense of doing the right thing.

Ask her why she is doing this ? Does she not get much male attention ? Is she damaged or deeply insecure ? Was her own childhood disturbed?
Why, why a married man ?