Cheated on after four decades of marriage.

[Laylajaney]

I discovered my husband was having an affair that lasted at least six months ,after four decades of marriage.
He reconnected with a woman via Facebook that he had briefly gone out with when twentyone years of age .
I felt and still do -totally betrayed by him . I wonder if I really ever knew him !
After much consideration I decided to get a legal separation.
We still live in the same house because we comitted ourselves to childcare concerning our Grandson . We dont want to move away from family .Its an upheaval at our age .
Unfortunately Ive discovered another side to him now . Whenever I try to talkto him about any of this he turns any discussion into a row . He 'talks me out' so I cant ask questions . I still have many questions for example I would like to know if they shared the same politics or if they ate out much . Just the odd thing that pops into my head. He makes me very frustrated and I feel very aggressive towards him when he behaves like this . He puts my blood pressure up too.
Recently he said that living together isnt working. I agree -and he now goes to stay at my sisters cottage for a few days most weeks .She lives in USA so comes back to her cottage for holidays etc -it isnt a permanent solution .

We sometimes meet up for lunch -which is nice . We find it difficult to live together . I still think his response to my asking questions shows a selfish side to his character . He should put up with questions as part of repairing our relationship . No matter he gently I start off with a question he manages to somhow turn around it so we row and this way he shuts me up . I sometimes feel Im in court he trys to trip me up with words .
Hes a very clever man .
Has anyone experienced anything similar?

My story starts similarly but we don't live together.

I think you are destined for frustration and disappointment if you are expecting answers. That might have been the case if he was begging for forgiveness in order to repair the marriage, but he isn't - you're legally separated and living separate lives.

For your own sanity I should stop asking and start making plans to live apart. You can still provide childcare for your gc.

I wont be able to provide childcare . The house if we sold it wouldnt cover the cost of two in this expensive area. This is partly why we've ended up living in same house . We have so many connections here because we are older.
If we sold we would have to move to different area and we need to be close so one of us can take grandson to school and pick up sometimes .
My daughter and son in law totally rely on us as the other grandparents moved away and childcare is so pricey. They have just managed to get afoot on the housing ladder !
I take your point though maybe my ex could pay my sister to stay at her cottage . At the moment its just on a prentence he needs to use it to right his book -which he is writing anyway . He leaves money for expenses etc.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. You say you committed yourself to providing childcare for your grandchildren. Things have changed since then and maybe it's time to put yourself and your happiness first and end this relationship for good? Your husband isn't interested in putting in the hard work that is required to repair your marriage. You may end up resentful that lufe the has passed you by.

Im still doing things I enjoy , I make a lot of art and sell and exhibit it . Im illustrating my ex 's book .
My grandson gave me a huge bear hug yesterday -I cantmove away from those things .
We do need to live separately ,though .
Maybe weve hit on an okay solution .
Its so sad after so may years of trust .

This will start to really effect you I think and your mental health. Could you or ex move in with your son / daughter . It sounds like your children put quite a few demands on you and I know you want to help them out but you also need to consider yourself.

Your ex doesn’t sound like a pleasant man and I don’t think you’ll get much joy from continuing to live with each other .

Could your son or daughter approach their work place and ask for a flexible working arrangement that allows them to be able to pick up their child from school? Maybe do some days as working from home arrangement ? As your children have dependents their request would need to be taken into consideration.

I’m sorry you’re going through this , it’s time to prioritise you ! Talk to your children and tell them how much hurt you are experiencing right now , it’s their turn to support you xxx

Mine was similar except that my ex was having an affair with another man. Have had to start over after 30 years of marriage but I understand how you feel and wonder if you ever really knew your husband.

fuckit is right you do need to start prioritising yourself now.

If he is clever & has already discussed leaving (in fact, has left), he might be putting his ducks in a row.

He might not prioritise childcare as much as you, particularly if he wants to move on & maybe shack up with ow.

I think you need to talk to your children.

I'm a bit confused, you're going for a legal separation but He should put up with questions as part of repairing our relationship

You're broken up? How can it be repaired?

Also I'd put a stop to him using your sisters cottage, he could well be bringing other women there.

I mean repair the friendship .
I just would like some honesty as you would expect in a friendship .
You couldnt ask him questions even before the separation .
This aspect to his personality has surprised me . He is ashamed and cant face how he has behaved-I think.
I cant do anything if he still chooses to have a relationship with the OW.
All the trust has gone anyway . We have split the money and his generous pension. I feel deep down I cant trust him even with that !That's what happens when you are betrayed at any age .
We cant live together permanently thats for sure -lifes too short -and Im at the end of mine . I was 68 when I discovered the affair . The other is a year older than me !

I missed the bit where you're asking questions about his affair. That's none of your business, he's had his leg over, the politics are not important.

Stop focussing on minutiae, see the big picture. He is moving on, get yourself prepared.

He's not your friend anymore.

I only wish he would move on . If he moved out completely and sorted out somewhere we could .
Im not cruel enough to deprive the Grandkids of his company -they do ask after him when hes not around .
People do ask questions about everything when they have been cheated on .
Life isnt that black and white in reality . We have a lot of history together .

I missed the bit where you're asking questions about his affair. That's none of your business, he's had his leg over, the politics are not important.

^What a load of nonsense. It is completely her business. I think knowing the in and outs of the affair will help OP will the healing process.

Of course it's her business. The OP is no doubt trying to understand why her husband strayed. Was it just sex or was it deeper than that? What made him get in touch with an old girlfriend from many years ago?

I don't think you'll get the answers you're looking for, though, OP.

And I think that's my point, asking is only leading to rows. She said he's clever, op is worrying about whys & what he sees in her but he's maybe not even thinking, just doing...my point is that he might not have the same priorities & she may end up homeless, etc. It's the same advice, whatever age, get a solicitor.

Grieve for what is lost by all means but he's not the one to grieve with, if you see what I mean.

Ah, there can't be a friendship here OP. I wouldn't be waiting around for him to move out. He probably won't of his own volition if the current situation suits him. Home comforts and a free, handy shag pad.

You should go ahead and divorce him. Can you buy him out of the house? Is the mortgage already paid?

You need to sort out the financial separation, sell the property and live separately.

Your wellbeing is more important than grandparenting. You could grandparent separately when you’ve both sorted out your living situation.

It’s unreasonable, when you’ve decided to end the relationship, to seek to discuss the affair.

It’s not “cruel” to grandchildren to see them separately: lots of DC have separated grandparents, and parents! his relationship with them is for him to manage.

I’ve been in a kind of similar situation.

In my view you need to accept that the relationship is beyond repair and over. Stop meeting him for lunch or trying to engage him in conversation.

Try to work out a solution which means you do not have to live together. Yes, it might be difficult, a change and inconvenient.

But wouldn’t it be so much more relaxing to have your own place? Look on it as an opportunity to do what you want, and not have to listen for him coming in, or wonder where he’s been.

I appreciate you’ve agreed to help with childcare, but your circumstances have changed. You need to look after yourself tomorrow be fit and well enough to look after them.

Bite the bullet and get rid properly! It’s a horrible time, but you will never feel better if you simply leave things as they are and be tossed around by fate or his whim. He may well leave anyway to be with her and force a sale.

If we divorced I would be poorer if he died because i wouldnt recieve his pension as adivorced person .
He says he hates the ow now because of how he was flattered and sucked in . In short he is narsisistic .
The only time he thought of ending the affair before I actually found out about it, was when he found out she was possibly having another affair with someone else whilst with him . My feelings it seems were never considered -it was all about him .
I feel i can let go of him easily but dont want to suffer in anyway myself or the rest of my family . I dont want to give up my nice home and move away from my lovely kids and Grandkids -I feel that it would possibly punish me more than him. He isnt a people person like me .
He should really have moved out to start with .
I feel he was stupid and thought I wouldnt find out .
the reason he got away with it was because we had afamily crisis at the time . My daughter had a breakdown and ended up in a secure mental hospital for a while . When it came time to discuss things, as I said he plays games with words and rather than show true humilty is more interested in winning an arguement .Which as I said makes me feel extremely angry towards him . We definitely need seperate dwelling places now . Even if he lived in a hut in the garden ! I tolerate him outside the home because we go back sooo far . He tries to kiss me and get round me -which I find tiresome now. He was stupid and flatteredby another woman that showed interest . She was an old hand at it -the flattery -she played him . It takes two to tango though!
When youve spent so long and a lifetime together you cant ignore one another -its unrealistic . You set out different rules . Freindship or aquaintanceship to a degree is okay as you can support each other in practicle ways .
I would never ever trust him again . When younger If my trust was betrayed even in a small way -I would just walk away .
Not so easy now .

Arrangements are usually made for pension sharing in divorce. You should take legal,advice.

And decide what your priorities are and how much you are prepared to put up with for a lifestyle.

It sounds as though you are reluctant to break with him finally. Which is understandable and your choice. But I can’t see how you can ever be happy in the situation you’re in just now.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. 💐

Get some legal advice.

If you’re serious that the relationship is over, which is totally understandable, best crack on with properly separation, and managing the consequences.

Is there any way your home might be converted into two separate dwellings?

This may seem like an odd solution but is your house large enough to separate, even partially, into two flats? It was something my ex and I contemplated (he turned out to be gay), but in the end we didn’t have the space as we needed bedrooms for the kids. Otherwise it would have been perfect as we still got along well as friends.