the male gaze

[buttonmoom]

I know we all like to look at attractive people, myself included but I would maybe glance once and be discreet. I certainly wouldn't look back again as I see that as flirting.
Guy I am seeing kind of sneaks a sideways look and will do so more than once which kind of annoys me. We were out recently and there was a girl with her bf and she was wearing a short summer dress, nice legs etc. So, he was distracted by her and she caught him and kind of smiled awkwardly. He smiled back :( I just gave him a look like wtf?
The thing is I know he really fancies me and I know that I get a fair bit of attention which I ignore. Why can't he?

It bothers me. Should I raise it and tell him how it makes me feel or accept this is who he is and move on?

OP - what you can do is to start pointing out really attractive men around you. And smile at them.
See how he likes it.
And when he looks at another woman say - nice legs, dress, etc.

I find in this situations - being sensitive to it only makes it worse. What makes the best reaction is a show of confidence.

yeah. that sounds good. I don't really want to raise it and sound all insecure but i do want him to stop it (or at least rein it in bit).

This is an issue I’ve struggled endlessly with my DP. We have been together 2.5 years and I first noticed it about 3/4 months into the relationship. It’s not something I’ve ever noticed with other men in the past so I really didn’t know how to handle it and flew off the handle with him, asked him how he would like it if I did the same and he agreed he wouldn’t so would stop. He has never stopped, still to this day and I’ve had it out with him many times. He doesn’t stare in a sleazy way, I doubt women have ever caught him doing it. It’s just a quick glance (usually at legs or arse) but he will then glance again and again and that’s what hurts me personally. I find it hugely disrespectful when I am standing right beside him and I know it’s massively egotistical and selfish but I do want to be the only woman he has eyes for so to speak.

He actually tells me he has no idea that he’s doing it most of the time, it’s like a subconscious thing and he only realises when I get peed off. I have googled and apparently this could be true, it’s something biologically engrained in men so I’ve realised I may just have to live with it sadly. He has very few other negative qualities, this is the main one and I realise is minuscule compared to others.

One of the things I really appreciate about DH is that he doesn't do this, I'm not convinced it's 'ingrained', I think it's really disrespectful both to their partners and to the poor woman being letched at.

It's disrespectful, end of. Noticing people is fine, turning your gaze is not ok. The usual reaction is 'you're jealous/insecure/arrogant' or 'it doesn't mean anything/everyone does it'.

If he denies it he could be lying to save his own neck or it could be a subconscious habit. Either way it's not ok.

You need to set boundaries and stick with them. Here's a good article on how to deal - lisamerlobooth.com/when-your-partner-flirts-or-ogles-in-front-of-you/

Oh btw, it's not biologically ingrained in men - the idea that they are more visual than women has been disproved. Anyway, we are all in control of what we do. It's a choice.

That was a great article.

We do all have subconscious habits that may grate on others. I’ve chalked this habit as one DP just has, as wrong as I may be about that. He isn’t disrespectful in other ways so I’ve sort of learnt to live with it and ignore it as best as I can.

this would make me furious.. fine, a look, a single appreciative look, but repeated staring, looking, appraising?? comparing?? That's too rude if you are with someone and tbh too much for the subject as well.

I like shoes. When I go out with my partner he points out nice shoes to me. I didn't suss for years ...... he's an evil genius.

Men are attracted visually which is why they prefer the light on and women have a tendency to dress up for men to attract them. If he hadn't always done this and then started to then I'd be worried. If he's always dine it then u knew what u were getting. If this the worse thing he does I'd let it go but thats just my opinion. They will doubtless be others ready to shoot this down.

I tried dating a lecherous man in my early 20 s. He was really immature, and “ couldn’t help
It”. He didn’t last.
Since then I’ve only dated gentlemen, it’s been lovely!

That old 'i can't help it/don't know I'm doing it' crap is just another excuse to avoid accountability.

I sometimes notice guys staring at me too, and when they're with a woman I always think badly of them.

What I do notice and think is the perfect response is, say, when I'm walking along the street and a guy notices me but then he immediately and deliberately looks away or directly at his gf/wife as they walk past. Completely ignoring me.

I think that's what I'd like too. Sends a message to all concerned.

Op I'm with you 100% on this. My partner stared at women like he'd never seen one before all the time at the beginning.

I talked to him about it. I told him I often get stared and so believe me the woman knows whether she makes eye contact or not. I always felt enraged on behalf of he woman he was with and here my DP was (and he is dear) making me be that woman!

He was baffled at first, argued he was hardly getting their numbers, do i not notice attractive people etc. I pointed out that noticing was different to sitting and staring with no regard for me.

It was a serious none of contention and used make me very upset to the point that I considered leaving him.

One day I said "is it more important to you to get to stare at her than my feelings are?" And I have no idea why but it worked. He stopped right there and never did it again.

Also - just a word of caution. Some women don't mind. I think my DP's ex didn't. So don't assume he's aware he's being out of order. I would recommend as it's early days just making a lighthearted remark the next time it happens like "ok I'm going to the bathroom. Perhaps you could have finished ogling her by the time I'm back please?"

I wouldn't like that. If the person he's staring at even notices aswell as you that's embarrassing. He needs to rein it in. It's very disrespectful.

Men are attracted visually which is why they prefer the light on and women have a tendency to dress up for men to attract them.

1. What a pile of shit. Men stare at women because they're entitled and believe women are easy game for leching over.

1. No. I dress up because I like dressing up for myself. It's not for the benefit of men or to attract anyone.

They find it hard because they were brought up in a patriarchal society where they have a sense of entitlement, that boys will be boys crap and a lot of women believe in all this as well. If you're ok with it, that's great. But it is a choice they make.

I do believe that men often are not aware of how hurtful or disrespectful this is. But once they have been told there is no excuse to act like a pig.

It’s a load of bullshit that men do this without realising

I stare at cute dogs. I sure as heck know I’m staring! If I’m on my own and notice a good looking guy I’ll naturally have a quick glance but I KNOW that I’m looking, I’m aware of it. So of course men are fully aware of what they’re doing - they’re just being sleazebags and pretending they don’t mean to

It’s disrespectful. Of course everybody notices attractive people and there’s nothing wrong with that, but to keep glancing over to the point where 1) your partner is aware, or 2) the innocent woman is aware is just creepy!

Tell him OP! Tell him it’s not about jealousy it’s about respect and you don’t want to be with somebody who other women think is a creep. I’ve has men stare when their with their partners, it isn’t flattering, the only thing I think is “urgh his poor wife”. And I would HATE to be that wife

Right @Chippyway

It's got nothing to do with the patriarchy making them do it. I stare at attractive women in the street because they look nice. Otherwise, it's like walking through a museum full of beautiful paintings and trying not to look at them.

I couldn't give a crap about a man I'm with doing it. And often, I will point a woman out to the man I'm with if he hasn't noticed her yet.

I think it's a bit silly to say that the person you are with can't even look around them when it's only natural.

It’s disrespectful. I’d dump him as it’s just embarrassing. xx

I think it's a bit silly to say that the person you are with can't even look around them when it's only natural

Nobody has said that

My boyfriend can look at attractive people. I do as well. But what ISNT okay is to keep glancing over making it obvious and being an absolute sleaze. It’s creepy. Sure, notice somebody good looking but there is no need to look another 10 times making your partner or the other person uncomfortable

Well done you on being the cool girlfriend and pointing out good looking women for your partner but perhaps you should think about the other women? Maybe they don’t want to be pointed out and stared at simply for walking down the street??

If it's to the extent that the person being looked at notices then it's too much, but I can't say I care much otherwise, and I don't care about being stared at either. In fact I quite like it - so sue me.

I think my favourite is the blokes who stare you straight in the eyes too long and too hard with a slightly panicked fixed 'I'm not looking at your boobs even if they're right there!' expression.