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Original poster

How do I forgive her

57 replies

Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 12:14

My wife and I had an argument July 4th and she decided she didn't want to be around me. She didn't go with me and the kids to watch fireworks. She says she went to her parents apartment who were out of town to drink. She ingored me and didn't return home until 3:30am. I feel like she was with another man. She has admitted to meeting a man at the apartment playground for our daughter and his daughters to play and after reviewing phone records for the last 3 months I see they have texted each other over 300 times and she has called him about 12 times speaking no longer than 8 minutes. She says there was no affair. I am 98% sure there was. How can I forgive her?

OP posts:
intheairthatnightfernando · 20/07/2018 12:15

You can't forgive anyone for something they haven't admitted to or expressed sincere regret about.

Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 12:17

She has meet him at the playground multiple times and I think it's been going on for a year or more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 12:19

If I can't forgive, can we stay together. Between our 2 children they have had 12 heart surgeries, we have been through so much, I feel like I can't leave.

OP posts:
pinkskys · 20/07/2018 12:29

300 texts over 3 months works out around 3 messages per day on average. I wouldn't call that an affair really

StormTreader · 20/07/2018 12:34

You have no evidence of anything, everything is "I think, I feel, I suspect".
Have you always been this suspicious of her? Was this what the argument was about, that you were accusing her of being with other men on no evidence?

Singlenotsingle · 20/07/2018 12:42

There's certainly something a bit odd going on here. It sounds like you know who the man is. Can't you get to know him, talk to him, not in an accusatory way but just "I hear our daughters are friends" way, and you'd like to take him for a drink? He might think twice about it, if indeed he is having a fling with D's, and if not, you've got a new mate

Singlenotsingle · 20/07/2018 12:43

DW not DS

Fivelittleduckies · 20/07/2018 12:47

It’s hard to talk about forgiveness when she hasn’t confessed to any wrongdoing - how is there something to forgive in that instance?
Do you have proof of an affair? Does she want to work on your marriage and to stay together? I must admit I’m a little confused by this post

Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 12:51

No, I have never meet him. I just found out about him since the 4th. The argument was about something trivial she asked me to do that didn't make sense to me so I didn't do it. I have had suspiciousions about her going to her parents apartment every time they go out of town(once a month) for over a year and I have made accusations during this time.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 20/07/2018 12:55

It does sound dodgy to me but you can't forgive her without finding out for sure and her actually being sorry about it. You need to do some investigating I think before you start forgiving anyone

StormTreader · 20/07/2018 12:57

So you don't do even trivial things that she asks you to do, and every time shes out of the house you accuse her of cheating on you? I wonder why she wants time away from that... Hmm

Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 12:59

She has also had a alcohol abuse problem during this time and has not stopped drinking hard liquor. Practically everytime I try and talk to her about the communication between them she says she is overwhelmed and will probably need to drink. I feel like I will end up getting no more answers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 13:01

I meant to say she has stopped drinking hard liquor.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 20/07/2018 13:03

Sounds more like you are pushing her away than trying to save your relationship.

Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 13:03

So, stormtreader u do everything someone ever asks them too. And if u don't u think they want time away from u?

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 13:05

You to

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 13:07

How am I pushing?

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Trinity66 · 20/07/2018 13:39

If you had been a woman posting about your husband you would have gotten alot more sympathy I think which is shitty

Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 13:47

I was kinda thinking the same thing. I tried to give as much information as I could in a way I have never done before. I am not perfect and neither is our relationship. In part I am trying to see if I can put these suspiciousions behind me without feeling like I need to forgive her. Perhaps she didn't have sex with this person, but she has meet him, texted him in my opinion very much and talked on the phone with him, things I would not do, because of how they could look.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 20/07/2018 13:50

Yeah If I were in your situation and my DH was texting another woman that much and disappearing until the early hours of the morning I would think something was going on too

cakecakecheese · 20/07/2018 13:54

I'm not sure you can put suspicions behind you if you don't have proof one way or the other. It's a bad situation to be in as the trust has gone.

callywags · 20/07/2018 13:55

So many people would be telling a female OP to trust their instincts and to get ducks in a row, so I will say this to you, trust your instincts and have a think about if you want to continue in this marriage.
Can you work through these issues with someone who won't even be honest with you?

You sound like you guys have had a lot on your plate as it is with the surgeries for your DC.
Wishing you all the best

fannycraddock72 · 20/07/2018 14:03

Come on ladies, if this was a woman saying her husband was spending time with another woman and sending all this messages we’d all be saying LTB.

Op trust your gut, you already said she’s seems to have over reacted to a trivial argument, there’s definitely more to it that just this minor disagreement.

I certainly don’t text people of the opposite sex that many times, if at all..I may contact one of the parents of my kids to arrange school stuff and friends over to play with my kids.

If it’s not a physical affair then it sounds like some sort of emotional affair. Again trust your gut...whether you forgive her or not is your choice. If she is having an affair you deserve better.

Bouledeneige · 20/07/2018 14:11

I sympathise OP. Trust your gut - I think if I were in your shoes I would suspect an affair. I was very reluctant to realise this when it happened to me but when you're looking at hows she behaving it is the most obvious explanation.

What I'm not clear about is whether you have asked directly and she has denied it; whether she went to her parents overnight or just for some of the day and whether you are implying its now over.

Its hard really to go on if she denies it but it continues to linger as uncertainty and distrust - i think you do need to get to the bottom of it. And then consider some counselling together to work out if you do and can stay together.

Original poster
Totallyconfused3 · 20/07/2018 14:15

I very much want to get past this, and maybe it never got physical. We made up for a little bit but then I looked at the phone records and it felt a bit like confirmation of my subscription and I'm wanting to see if there is a thought process I can use to help me past this if she is not going to confess. I feel like I can let it go, but it is proving very difficult at present time.

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