How do I forgive her

[Totallyconfused3]

My wife and I had an argument July 4th and she decided she didn't want to be around me. She didn't go with me and the kids to watch fireworks. She says she went to her parents apartment who were out of town to drink. She ingored me and didn't return home until 3:30am. I feel like she was with another man. She has admitted to meeting a man at the apartment playground for our daughter and his daughters to play and after reviewing phone records for the last 3 months I see they have texted each other over 300 times and she has called him about 12 times speaking no longer than 8 minutes. She says there was no affair. I am 98% sure there was. How can I forgive her?

We have had 1 counseling appointment so far, but then the counselor was on vacation for a week. We have another scheduled this coming week. She has on as many as 12 occasions gone to her parents apartment and basically ignored my attempts to contact for around 30 minutes. She left that night right after we left to go watch fireworks, about 8:00pm. She texted me after about 15 minutes of being gone that she was going leave to go eat. She went straight to the apartment and ignored me attempts to reacher until about 2:45 am. She said she was drinking alone in the apartment.

I even went there found her car parked in a different area and knocked on the door. She didn't seem to be in there, but may she was just ignoring me.

I don't know what you want from us here....can we tell you if she is having an affair? No we can't.
Sounds like you've a huge communication problem that can only be solved by talking to each other.

Just wondering how it might appear to a outside neutral party and if my suspiciousions are as clear as the seem to me. I have appreciated what's been said so far. I guess I have to figure out how to
settle my emotions and try and except that it may not be how it looks to me. I don't know if I'm looking for anything in particular, just anything really. Some outside perspective maybe.

It's hard to think outside of my own perspective right now.

If it were me then I'd think an affair is most likely too. That volume of texts suggests much more than a few play dates.

I feel like I am reaching a point where it doesn't feel like I need for her to own up to it, but it is still very hard to get past thoughts like, if she did do this and doesn't own up to it, will it just continue. So I guess I may be looking for advice on how to help with those thoughts, are they natural and can they be conquered any particular way? IDK really, but talking seems to feel better than sitting and trying to process all this with just myself.

The thing is, it may not be sms they’re using for the majority of their communication. If they’re meeting up as frequently as you think then it doesn’t need more than a few texts to arrange. Alternatively they might be using WhatsApp or a similar app.

Can you ask her to look through her phone? I appreciate that this isn’t very trusting of you, but there’s enough “hmm” stuff going on here that I think it’s reasonable to want reassurance.

Ultimately you have to decide what you can or can’t forgive. The affair (if there was one) or the lying (if she is) or both? If she can’t reassure you and/or won’t show you the phone you can’t keep bringing it up. Make a decision to split or stay and then try and put this behind you.

When I try to question her she says it's overwhelming and basically threats that she will need to drink liquor, and she will not allow me to see the her phone. I want to stay and continue but am wondering if that is really possible.

Double standards as usual. If you were female responses would indeed be different.

Do you suspect the affair is still going on? Could you hire a P.I to get solid proof?

Cheaters tend not to confess unless with irrefutable evidence.

Of course you shouldn't do anything she tells you to. A ridiculous suggestion from a pp. You aren't a puppet.

I somewhat feel that whatever she did do has stopped, but I would feel that more confidently if she could admit to it being anything other than nothing. I feel like there was other apps that she had additional contact with him from and there is a fair part of me that feels like she may continue that communication that way. Very hard to know what to do with all these mixed up thoughts. She knows how hard it would be for me to leave our children with what all they have been through, and I feel like she is using that to her advantage.

Some of you posting on here with your shitty responses should be ashamed of yourselves, if this was a woman or even yourself posting you’d be expecting a whole other response to be given, with cries of LTB and it’s an affair and ooooh what a bastard.

Ignore them all OP, the evidence shows that at the very least she’s had contact with another man without your knowledge, that in itself raises questions of why hadn’t she told you, if it was innocent you there would be no reason to hide it.

Thank everyone who has taken the time to give a response so far. Like I said, just speaking about it and seeing others thoughts on the situation may end up helping me work though some of my issues.

You need to go to counseling to figure out if you're just paranoid or she cheated. Either way there's a good chance your relationship won't survive.

Do you love your wife op? Are you showing her affection and support?

What kind of husband are you?

You seem very good at seeing things from your orb perspective. A woman that disappears and drinks heavily is a very unhappy person. Your posts come across as hard hearted and removed. She is a human being and the man texting her may be offering her emotional support and friendship because it is completely absent from her marriage.
At no point have you expressed any feelings for your wife, no emotion she may leave you. It is striking by its absence.

Orb - own

She is a human being and the man texting her may be offering her emotional support and friendship because it is completely absent from her marriage.

Wow. Can't believe how skewed people think. There's not a chance the same would be said if a man disappeared like this and was texting another woman.

She won't confess anything unless you have proof. That's the norm with cheaters.

Is this other man married?

You will need to go into detective mode to find answers.

Another site with members who can give you tips without pointing the finger at you because you're a man is

www.survivinginfifelity.com

Post in JFK Just found out and I'm sure you'll receive good pointers.

nfjz - u are a very observant person. We have been with each other on and off 30 yrs. She has been married to 2 others in that time. We have been together this last time for 15 yrs. Our relationship was indeed already in trouble in part from me being cold and withdrawn. You are wise for seeing that. There are 2 reasons I can see myself getting past this, 1 to continue to be a constant support to my children, as 1 of their medical strugles is no where near over and 2 because I can relate to how/why this has happened. I just would like to feel that we have both owned up to our mistakes, so we can move forward in a truly productive way. Perhaps I am the only one at fault, but it doesn't feel that way. She says all those texts were just about his and hers relationship issues, just seems to be far to many for that, to me.

Thank u Sandy. I will look there also.

She has told me he is getting or just got divorced, I found a name, but she gave me one different from what I found.

I found a name, but she gave me one different from what I found.

People who have nothing to hide don't lie.

I wouldn't believe he's getting divorced either. That's a typical line from a cheater.

She says all those texts were just about his and hers relationship issues

So she'd be fine with you texting another woman about your relationship issues then? And meeting up with her the way she does with this man then?

Ask and see what she says.

Maybe you would benefit from relationship counselling.

Apart from this what's your relationship like?

Do you talk to each other apart from the day to day stuff?

Intimacy? Affection?

It had been rough enough to where I can't totally blame her if it did happen, I just feel like I need total honesty at this point to feel like we can make it any further. I am afraid I won't be able to let go of what I feel is the truth and it will cause things to be even worse than they are now. I don't want things to be any worse, even if it means splitting up. I left for 1 night and she basically feel apart and begged me to come back home and has let me know that she does not want to be apart. I am torn because I just want us to stop hurting each other, and I thought being apart would allow that.

She is a human being and the man texting her may be offering her emotional support and friendship because it is completely absent from her marriage.

Jesus fucking Christ!

It was certainly no where near completely absent, but it was definitely lacking.

I think you have every reason to think what you are thinking!
As you are a man I believe a lot of people on here are been really unfair to be honest!
It is wether you can TRUST her not so much forgive her, but in all honesty I think you are going to struggle.
Maybe time apart will help