Does anyone elses DH mock their music tastes?

[ShirazShirley]

Because mine does, and I’ve only just realised how much it annoys the hell out of me.

Dh is very into rock/metal bands. Shortly after we moved in together he proclaimed he couldn’t listen to ‘shite’ music and will pull faces, moan and strop about if I put anything on he deems as below his musical tastes.

I’m not sure if it was the whole blinded by love thing, or the fact that he helped me leave from a previously abusive relationship when we were just friends, but I’ve just sort of sucked it up before.

I’ve just realised today that I’ve essentially stopped listening to any music that I personally like over the years. I’ve always been happy to listen to ‘his’ music constantly, even if I didn’t like it that much, because to be honest I wouldn’t ever moan about someone’s music choice, and it made him happy.

And I’ve just realised it today because for the first time, rather than hiding on a different floor of the house or putting in headphones to listen to ‘my’ music, I’d started a trial of apple’s music (where you can try different genres and find any song you want for a monthly fee)

I wanted to try it because we were considering getting an apple homepod smart speaker.

I decided to mess around with it and found that I actually quite like some Spanish, country and pop music, as well as some classic rock. So I made a playlist to exercise to and shower with this morning.

Dear lord.

You’d think I’d just shot dh’s Puppy. The looks, the disdainful sniffs.

He’s announced that in fact he would HATE to get a HomePod speaker, and we will not be getting one, because he can’t stand listening to any music that he doesn’t explicitly like and approve of.

I should throw him out shouldn’t I?

Well hold on, it's not like he is listening to kazan or mozart or something. Have you ever informed him that to more musically educated people his music is also shite music? I could accept this from someone with very refined musical tastes (being forced to listen to really bad music is unpleasant even for me, I can imagine that this could drive someone with very good taste mad) but if his taste is just as bad as yours (just a different kind of of unsophisticated music) then he's being a bit of hypocrite.

My XDP was like this about my musical preferences (she liked R'n'B/D&B/Rap and I'm more into latin/rock/jazz) - until I told her that a tune is only three minutes or so out of her life now and then, and I'd cheerfully put on and listen to her preferences in the car or at home in about equal amounts. I actually got to like Eminem and Usher a little and she learned to enjoy (or at least put up with) Leonard Cohen.

She'd still pull the odd face now and then, but FFS it's only music and it's not 24/7 is it? This played no factor in our eventual split, which was for quite different reasons.

However, is it really symptomatic anything deeper. Really? That, I suppose, is a question only you can examine. I do think that telling him that his putting you down like that is incredibly childish and selfish is completely warranted but is this something to actually fall out about?

It could be a bit like the "toothpaste tube" thing where it is symptomatic of a deeper issue, and you and he might benefit rom talking about that?

BTW Apple Music/HomePod are fantastic and I've "discovered" so many new artists through that.

OP - can you see a pattern emerging? Key word is ‘ex’.

yup, and like you OP, I've realised that I've spent years listening to music through headphones.

Quite early on, he developed this habit that whenever I'd put 'my' music on, he'd switch it off and put his on. He'd then decide on a 'music evening' that involved him playing his music so loudly that we couldn't speak and I couldn't watch TV or anything. I'd be stuck listening to his all consuming music. So effectively, me putting music on was inviting a shit evening.

So yeah, headphones.

My ex also did this. He'd change it to his music because he couldn't bear listening to mine and say it was terrible. He then started criticising what I wore and would cringe and look away at certain outfits. Over time this really knocked my sense of identity and like you I used to laugh and sing and dance round the house on a saturday morning with our daughter but he was the king of mood kill.
Eventually I left by I wish I had walked at the start!!

Of course, mine was far more subtle than just turning it off, or saying he didn't like it. Oh no, it would be more like "well, if you like this awful stuff, that's all that matters", or "I don't mind if you want to listen to your music" - and then have a face like a wet weekend, or be smirking.

So, giving me his 'permission' so no one could accuse him of being mean and selfish, but sucking any enjoyment out of it anyway.

Eugh, so draining. Drip drip drip.

Having music and joy in my house is so lovely now.

I was just like your boyfriend, unfortunately.

I was also about 18 at the time.

It's not an adult way to behave. My current girlfriend has really opened my eyes (well, ears) to genres I didn't appreciate before.

I like rock/metal, dh likes dancy techno?!

We both think each others taste is shite and wouldnt really play it while the others home except in the bath/shower but really wouldnt whinge at the other about it.

My dh is coming to a gig with me next month, but im 99% sure i wouldnt go to one of his.

My ex always had control of the music we listened to in the house and the car, luckily I have quite broad and similar tatses to him but he disliked some of the music I listened too.

HE bought me a CD once for Christmas a couple of years ago, he knew I liked it. I listened to it on Christmas day while cooking and wanted to listen to it again and he told me to turn my crap off.

I only realised after I left how much I enjoy being able to listen to what I want (which includes a lot of what we used to listen to together). he also used to maon at me if I watched xfactor etc on occasion.

It was always like his tastes trumped mine.

He is 42 and I’m 31, so he definitely should have grown past the stage of ‘Eugh, my music is so much better than yours’

OP, have you been on the Freedom Programme?

i HATE this, my hideously abusive controlling EX P was just like this. since he's gone i sing and dance again, to my music .....

I think ask this comes back to the age old question of what is "bad" music. To a certain extent I think all art is subjective and really you can't say it's "bad" unless it's out of time or poorly produced. Even super manufactured stuff that's double tracked and processed beyond an inch of its life can't really be said to be "bad", as it's produced to a very high standard. Everything else is subjective, even the concept of taste.

Anyway, I think he's a joy sucking, bullying twat OP. If you're not dancing and singing anymore, I think you do need to think about if you'd be happier without him.

To maintain the theme, I had a vile ex like this. My DH & I shamelessly rip the piss out of each others taste in music (how can he deny The Smiths were the best band ever? And how can he bear dirgy Radiohead?) but there is a difference between having a laugh and genuinely thinking the music you like makes you better than your partner. I assume this is not fun for you, or you wouldn't be posting - I am quite happy to own that most of the music I like is a bit shit (except The Smiths, best band evva)

He targeted you and this is another abusive relationship.
Get rid... things won't get any better. Likely to get worse. Can you go the rest of your life without the music you like, no more being happy and dancing in your own home ?

Another whose ex did this. It may seem minor, but it's miserable to live with and indicates he feels superior to you, IMO. My teen DC now tries but I won't tolerate it - I call it music fascism and agree with poster upthread that it's immature.

Me and dh have v similar taste in music but we'd never belittle the other if one of us didn't like something the other was playing

DH and I cheerfully take the Mick out of each other’s musical taste, but it is totally good humoured and we both have music we like on a lot round the house and in the car in pretty much equal amounts and will each happily listen to music chosen by the other in the car etc without making a fuss. (We both have musical taste that many people would count as shite but we are happy with it).

This does not sound like our situation - your situation would drive me round the bend. It’s just so rude and seems like a symptom of a bigger deeper issue tbh.

Surely part of being in a relationship is tolerating some of their preferences which are not your cup of tea, you seem to have been doing all the compromising here.

Just wanted to say...Apple HomePod is on its way, same day delivery, from Argos.

Guess who’s dancing tonight?

Yes...my ex would listen to radio 4 or classical whereas I listened to kiss fm. Also bigger the tv watching his stuff or playing games so I hadn't watched any TV for years...
Not only mocked music tastes but then it started to extend into other areas...my cleaning efforts...allowing the kids to play on devices too much. Hey.....your kids too right??? You live here and can tidy unless you think it's only down to me who also holds a full time job, sorts everything's to do with house/kids/cooking dinner etc??
So he's out and I am soo much happier. Life is too short to live it unhappily. Kids benefit from a happier mum, not seeing her being disrespected and hopefully one day will see her loved!!! xx

Woohoo!! Well done OP! enjoy dancing happily round the house as much as you like!

Glad you bought the home pod op!

I have to say I'm quite into rock music and I find lots of men that do this. Although now I've typed that I've realised I know very little jazz fans or classical music fans etc so maybe it's a certain type of man that does this rather than just rockers!

Anyway from my experience they nearly always do it to women and never men. So if heavy metal dave, who usually likes slayer, says he likes the new Beyonce song, then Beyonce must've finally made a good track. If heavy metal Sue decides Beyoncé's alright, then that's proof that sue has shit taste in music, she probs only said she liked slayer to impress Dave.

Fuck em. Life's short and music that you love is one of its true pleasures.

Good for you OP ... you enjoy listening and dancing and if he doesn’t like it he can fuck off. You’ve listened to enough of his music without complaint !
If he threatens you in any way or shouts at you call the police (999)