Sibling inequality - what did you do?

[668neighbour]

Interested in others' stories (particularly positive ones) of how they successfully handled sibling inequality.

I am not sure what I want, have been on the "wrong" end of ineqality forever, can't really get the self-possession to want to go NC but spend too much time fuming about it all. My older sister is the golden child of my mother, beautiful, talented, spoiled and massively codependent with my parents. At times I was our father's golden child but it always resulted in him turning on me when I didn't fulfil whatever it was he wanted to live out vicariously.

These days I live in another country, with DH and DS. We are happy. I speak to parents once a week, email a few times a week, and generally do the "grey rock" act where I tell them very little so as to give them nothing to be negative about.

Every now and then I let something slip this week I sent an email saying I was exhausted, it's very cold here, our heating is broken, and we have to do 100,000 pounds' worth of unexpected house repairs. As is typical, no response from parents. Then two days later a "what have you been doing with your week? We've been to golf, had some pictures framed, been to a concert, had ducted aircon installed, been to the beach." They do this every time. They never offer sympathy, empathy or help - basically never have since I was a child. I have always been told I am "independent" and "strong willed" whether or not I actually ever need any help.

If my sister had said something like what I said, my parents would be round her house fixing everything while she & family live at my parents', my mum cooks them big nourishing meals, babysits the kids, etc. Parents don't even blink at paying sister's bills, food expenses, clothes shopping, private school fees, new cars, house deposits, overseas holidays, concert subscriptions. $50,000 wedding? No probs. Thousands of hours of childcare? Sure. Extracurricular music for grandkids at 50 quid a lesson? Totally.

Needless to say we paid for our own (small) wedding, (inexpensive) house, (old secondhand) car and will pay for our own house repairs, DS' schooling, etc. We live within our means, completely. We ask for nothing because we know nothing is on offer.

Obviously it's unfair, but should I do anything? No idea...

Have you spoken to your parents about this? They absolutely have noticed what they're doing, they can't fail to have.

One possibility is that in their eyes, your sister isn't their Golden Child. She's their Fuck Up. She's the one who isn't able to do a damn thing for herself, and needs constant hand holding for everything. Whereas you're the one who has "never been a moment's worry"? My friend and her sister are like this. The sister "owes" the parents huge amounts, which she will never pay back. Grandparents have paid for the fancy schools, the cars, they're always off on holiday. My friend looks after herself. It used to annoy the shit out of her, particularly when they were all younger, but she now feels, on balance, that she'd rather be her than her sister! Her sister really is a fuck up, in a shit marriage, with awful children. My friend, by going her own way, has a very nice life, with a husband who adores her, and her adult kids have both done very well.

In some ways this is a correct assessment, but I definitely don't think this is how my parents see it. For example their Christmas letters to people are inevitably three pages of photos and entertaining anecdotes about them and my sister and her family. DH, DS and I are usually left off, but are lucky if we get the one sentence at the end "DD2 still lives in [country] where her husband works at a university."

By choice you have disconnected from your parents.
You are not part of their daily lives.
Now your complaining about being not treated the same as your sister and her family who are present in the flesh...
Cake and eat it comes to mind.

It doesn't always work like that, mummmy2017. I'm in a similar situation with my parents - the golden child / scapegoat thing, childcare offered, etc, etc. Except, I didn't move away. I asked for help, repeatedly. Nothing. My mother was always too busy - with my sister & her DCs, and church. Too busy for us. DH has failed his degree, because he couldn't care for DD as well as look after me when I'm not well (I'm disabled). We're not sure how to tell my family, we'll get the "should have asked for help" line. We did... for years... it was not forthcoming. They were too busy.

We are very low contact, & don't initiate anything now.

These situations can stem from their own childhood, or in the past ime rather than be about you. EG did DM have a golden sibling? Was she the older one and saw her DSis as the spoiled younger one, so is making sure it doesn't happen to her own DCs(!!in her eyes). Did older sis have an accident/illness that means she must be 'cared for' and you didn't.
If this is the case it is less hurtful for the unpopular one.

Same here. Only I can only say my life improved when I went fully NC.

The only regret I have is actively telling them why I cut off all communication as they still tell people ' for reasons unbeknownst to us our daughter won't speak to us'

You may not find your peace until you take a drastic step to remove the negative people from your life and spend it only with people who actively care about you.

In a similar situation except I have 3 golden siblings! As said previously, look at what happened in your parents families. History repeats itself. In DMs family one sibling was scapegoated and cut off. In DFs family one sibling was scapegoated and seen as a joke. My parents were the golden children. So even though they had the chance to learn and grow to see this wasnt right, they allowed history to repeat itself. You sound very balanced and the only way families will progress is by people like you who have set a better example for the next generation. I hope that is a positive point for you.

You gain nothing by having such people in your life so would go no contact with them all. Doing the grey rock technique can help but can be exhausting. Would further lessen all forms of communication with them over time to zero. Its not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them this way, their own families of origin did that.

Do read the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers and read "Children of the self absorbed".

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here in your family of origin is scapegoat for all their inherent ills. This will not change and your parents will never listen to you nor accept you fully. People like your parents as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

What you write is not atypical at all of what happens in narcissistic family structures and both your parents here are narcissists.

I deal with it by expecting nothing. Thus I am never disappointed. It's crap, and it took a lot of years to get to this point, but it's easier now.

FWIW, I wasn't the perfect child. Far from it. But I'm definitely the stronger adult, my mother has even said as much, despite my disability. My sister seems to need (demand) constant support, despite being perfectly healthy.

I think some people are just not great at being parents. I hope I will be better.

In your shoes I think I would write setting out exactly how you feel, and end the letter by saying Goodbye, do not contact me or my family again.

Then go NC with your parents and sister.

I think you have to just stay/go LC and be proud that you are funding your own life. What happens when your parents die, or need care? Your DSis is likely to spend any inheritance keeping up the lifestyle they are giving her now, and won't be able to do that forever (unless your parents have millions!)

I had a similar scenario with my parents, but it was all kept secret. DB has never worked and I found out a few years ago that mum was giving him money monthly, plus had given him a huge lump sum as a deposit on a house (Mortgage was provided by his wife's employers. She is foreign though, so sends most of earnings home). Mum just said "But you never asked for any money", no, as I am an adult who doesn't need to ask, but you could have mentioned it!!!

I guess what a pp said was true, he was seen as a their Fuck Up. Whereas I had been uni, got a job, bought a house, eventually married someone similar, also with own house, thus "never been a moment's worry".

I couldn't go NC when mum was alive, but since she died (we got a moderate inheritance), I have been v LC with DB. Until a few months ago when he suffered a major tragedy. As part of supporting him and his wife, I found out that he needs to use his inheritance to live day to day, in place of mums allowance, and he has burned through a large part of it. It will eventually run out, what then? He wouldn't dare to ask me for help.

DH and I have worked for 35 years and thus are in a very good position now, with no mortgage and significant savings. We should be able to retire at 60 plus help our young adult DC in the future (equally I might add). I would rather know that everything we have, excepting the modest inheritance, was from our own hard work than handed to us on a plate.

@mummmy2017 I moved away aged 25 because of the inequality.

Those who have said it may have its origins in my parents' lives are probably right. Both parents were the children who lived close to elderly parents -- and received vast amounts of help from them. Their siblings got zero help and were constantly criticized for everything by my parents. So I guess I have just become another of those objects of triangulation. Neither of my parents can really do friendship that isn't about getting someone on side so they can gossip about someone else. Mother used to constantly try to play me and DSis off against each other when we were children. Dsis responded, I found the duplicity unpleasant from early primary school on, which I guess is when help stopped being forthcoming.

You've gone low contact and live in a different country. You can't really expect to have the same relationship as the child who is very much present in their everyday lives. It works both ways. They're now low contact with you too. You get out what you put in.

I bet your sister cooks for them, would be round there like a shot if they needed help with anything, makes them feel cared for.

Mummy2017 and RainySeptember,
That’s an interesting position to hold, if I’m reading this right:
OP is in low contact because her sibling is the golden child.
Not sibling is the golden child because OP is low contact.

My only advice is to try not resenting your sibling for accepting what’s on offer.

In all fairness if my mother had bothered to offer me anything she’s offered my sibling I likely would have said yes too (it’s easy to say when it’ll never happen, but I’d like to think I would’ve shared)

I used my parents favouritism to decide I’d treat my own kids fairly

Also it’s not because you are living in a different country that you have chosen To go low contact with them.
I’ve lived on the other side of the world from my parents for two decades. It hasn’t stopped us from being close.

Yes I suppose my post does read quite harshly. It probably comes from a position of now being of an age where I am more likely to hear this story from the parent's point of view in rl. I apologise if I've been unfair op, it's based on the experiences of friends and colleagues, and I know very little of your life. Certainly the financial support your parents offer your sibling is shockingly one sided and, I would hope, be reflected in their estate planning.

I bet your sister cooks for them, would be round there like a shot if they needed help with anything, makes them feel cared for

Rainy - usually the point in these situations is that the golden child is pretty useless and dependent (and unappreciative), thanks to over invested DPs.

That's not my experience George but realise that that might be the case here

Well, my sister certainly makes them feel needed.

However when my parents came home early from a foreign holiday where one of them was ill and i had done all the hospital running, translating with doctors, changing hotel bookings etc and seen them onto a plane with handover to plane staff, my sister's response was "well I've got a yoga class on Mondays, I'm not picking them up from the airport". And that's pretty typical of her relationship with them.

It sounds like your parents play an integral role in your sister's life and feel part of it, are validated by the role they play, and feel like 'parents' to your sisters children. However, there is no way of knowing how this affects them. They may feel worn out by constantly stepping in to sort her out. They might be really fed up about it, but worry about the kids (who they now feel responsible for because they are so involved). The payback for them may be the lovely times they have with the children and they are damned well going to make the most of it.

I say this with a twinge of guilt because my mum helped me out quite a lot when my kids were small and I was struggling with splitting from their dad. She worried about me and my kids a lot and I wouldn't have kept my home without the help they gave. They were very fair with money, though, and if me or my brother got any cash (he got help as well when he needed it) the other would get the same. But when my sibling had children my mum was that much older and couldn't help out as much with them and this caused a lot of resentment.

Have your parents been to visit you recently? Could you maybe offer this to see what happens?

Or ask your sister to come and stay. That might open her eyes a bit.

X-posted.

Oh dear - a yoga class!

My brother was the golden child and was equally useless when my mum needed help.

Op i just want to say how sorry I am for you. It must have been awfully hard as a youngster growing up like this and I'm impressed you sound so balanced now!! Well done you for rising above it. I think i would be an emotional mess! God knows what your parents are thinking, their behaviour is shocking! Anyway you sound great, Im glad life has worked out well for you.

It's far easier to go non contact in my opinion, I'm waiting to speak to my dad when he returns from holiday with step mum to explain that I'd rather he didn't bother coming round anymore. I went no contact with stepmum at Xmas and gave him the opportunity to see my son. He's been 3 times In 7 months and spends all his time bitching about my stepbrother who they do everything for and how he's teaching my step brothers son how to read, all whilst totally ignoring my son in the next room.
He slags me off to my sister who he barely sees and he's just a negative person in general who has done nothing to support me.

I feel shit having contact so I don't see y I should facilitate it anymore, he's not having a relationship with my son as he's not making an effort there either.

Sometimes you've just got to bite the bullet and do what's best for your own family unit and yourself

Hah, my db is the golden child and is the most monsterously self-centred individual ever. Parasites dont help their hosts.

In short OP your parents are fuck ups, theyve fucked up your sister and you have thankfully escaped. Be very, very glad your weren't and aren't the recipient of their poisoned love (but yes its ok to be sad they couldnt provide normal parental warmth and affection to their children). Grey rock is a great strategy - maybe consider some counselling for yourself as you still seem to want something from them that they will never give?