Fiancé has ended it. Wedding next Thursday.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I take lots of the blame. I am insecure, arrogant and independent. I have wielded a pointy stick for so long. But I am now devastated. Our wedding was booked for next Thursday, which would have been my parents' 66th wedding anniversary (he died a couple of months ago).

I have never been married. DD who is nearly 21 (and it's always been just us; maybe part of the problem?) says that Margaret Hale wouldn't have needed to get married aside from her era; I had to google North and South.

My mother thinks I'm a bit useless because I always had a career and was a single mother.

Sorry, really disjointed.

Why has he ended it, OP? Is it fixable?

I didn't want to read and run, OP. I don't have any advice, really.

Do you have a friend you can call?

So sorry to hear of your father's death.

and

I am so sorry xxx

Ignore your mother.

Do you want him back / want to get married to him (as opposed to getting married because it's the 'done' thing)?

If so, you really need to talk to him.

Oh shit that’s dreadful

Can you say sorry? Do you want to sort it ?

Thank you. Said sorry. He doesn't know.

Ok, DD is out and still thinks I am strong, independent woman. This is very important for me. She thinks Margaret Hale was weak and I am strong. I feel lost.

Ok. We are both devastated. I'm nearly 49, never married, just DD and me. She'll be 21 in a few months. Maybe it was the enormity? It seemed like betrayal, stupid though that looks when written. We have been too close - I battled alcoholism , she is ultra protective, she is a high achiever who says things like "Mummy, I want to make your life easier ".

My DM, when I told her, said that her silver birch needed cutting.

I lost s couple of paragraphs. ThBk you.

Maybe fixable.

He says no one else.

I am nearly 49 but was really happy. DD has been nothing but a total joy. Seriously. I had two months of maternity leave and she's nearly 21. No desire to comment on the "my kid is insane" or the "smug mother" threads.

My commuppance?

But what do you want to do?

He doesn't know if he wants to sort it / if it's fixable, you mean?

That's a shit thing for him to do, OP. Who can you get to help you cancel things tomorrow? Can you afford to take time off and go away somewhere for a little while? Be very kind to yourself and accept all offers of help.

I'm so sorry OP, you sound shell-shocked

You sound terrific OP. He'll be the loser in the end if he lets you go.

This is a shitty, shitty thing to happen.

What do you want to happen next?

Time to rely on that independent, caring girl you've raised. This is where you let her swing into action. Stand back and admire. There is a lot to do - let her do it.

Please don’t get your DD to ‘swing into action’. It’s not her job to save you. Rely on your friends, but not your child.

If your fiancé has ended it, then it is his job to start cancelling stuff.

I’m so sorry. It must be a shock.

A little confused as to why so much about your DD. Is this the heart of your problem?

I’d be trying to fix it, right now. Don’t hang about. If you want thus man, go find out what the problems are, go away with him thus weekend. Talk, walk, eat and talk some more. Really listen to him. Make sure he listens back. If it’s still over, fine, but don’t give up yet this might be very rash.

I'm so sorry to hear this, @Lobsterquadrille2. Please don't blame yourself. You certainly never come across as 'arrogant' on your threads; being independent is not a bad thing; and if you are insecure - well, so are most of us.

Is there any possibility this has been brought about by last minute nerves on your fiance's part, and might be fixable?

Whatever happens, you have a brilliant DD. As pps have said, if your wedding does not go ahead, he will be the loser - not you.

I am insecure, arrogant and independent. I have wielded a pointy stick for so long

^^^^
Would you marry someone you thought this about?

I'm just thinking what would be said if he told people those things about his fiancee. They'd likely say to run for the hills.

Your fiance calling things off at such short notice sounds terrible. But, you write much more about your daughter than you do your ex fiance. This tells me she is your most important relationship.

It reads to me like your daughter's main concern is your happiness and welfare. Why don't you take that on board and do what it takes to make yourself happy?

You say that maybe your daughter is part of the problem. You say that the two of you may have been "too close".

Did your fiance feel that there would be three people in the marriage?

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and so is our daughter. I know what she’s trying to do. She trying to protect you and bring a sense of normality. Because that’s what adult children or alcoholics do. We’ve been through shit. We only know chaos. We want to protect our alcoholic parent and make everything as normal as possible.

She’s not your parent. Let her go. Give her freedom. She’s only 21. Don’t hang onto her. Support her but don’t let her support you or help you. Give her a chance to find herself. You sort your own shit out.

*your

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But in the long run, if he was that unsure it's better that this happened before you married him.

Try to concentrate on the positive things in your life, it sounds as if there's quite a few! Give him time to think things through, but don't sit around waiting for him to change his mind.

Oh, and congratulations on conquering your alcoholism. At this time of such stress for you, please don't be afraid to reach out for extra support if you need it. And as much as you love your daughter's caring for you, please don't lean on her too much right now.

OP "My mother thinks I'm a bit useless because I always had a career and was a single mother."

I wonder if that made you feel you ought to get married. She's not sounding like a good influence.