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Original poster

Am I overreacting at husbands words

28 replies

allure81 · 19/07/2018 17:43

My husband and I are pregnant with baby number 3. I still have a few months to go but I thought I'd start looking at our finances and put aside a little extra for when money is tight. Our wages go into our separate accounts and then we pay a percentage into our joint account based on our earnings. He earns almost 3x more than me so puts in more as I'm part time. Not sure if it's relevant but I could potentially match his salary in my job if I went full time and applied for a promotion but this would mean I'd be away for days at a time so not really ideal yet till dc are older. I suggested we just put our whole wages in as I'm always having to ask him to top up the joint account mid month and tbh I feel it's pointless I know what he earns and I see what he puts in ect he's not mean with money by any means. This suggestion wasn't a deal breaker for me more out of convenience but he turned around and said I will leave you before I do that I'm not living that way where I don't have a penny to my own name. This comment has really upset me not that he won't do it but what he said. I'm not sure whether pregnancy hormones are making this out to be worse though but I'm finding it hard to be around someone who can say something like that so easily.

OP posts:
mooncuplanding · 19/07/2018 17:46

Yeah, he’s not really embracing the spirit of marriage there

heartsease68 · 19/07/2018 17:48

no you're not. That's shocking.

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/07/2018 17:48

That's quite an extreme reaction from him.

I mean, I accept the sentiment, I wouldn't agree if DH suggested we each do away with our personal accounts but I wouldn't be talking about divorce in my rejection of the suggestion.

Is there back story?

ElspethFlashman · 19/07/2018 17:48

I would have bluntly shot down your suggestion too OP, as my salary getting paid into my own account is psychologically important to me. I transfer whatever is needed, like you.

However, his choice of words was OTT and it is not unreasonable to say "You never talk about leaving this marriage unless you're consulting a solicitor - it's not on"

mimibunz · 19/07/2018 17:48

Not your hormones! That’s a dick thing to say. It would make me wary of trusting him.

NotTheFordType · 19/07/2018 17:50

But if it's a joint account then he would have a penny to "his name" anyway?

I think I would want to talk to him about this and find out his reasons for reacting so strongly.

Joysmum · 19/07/2018 17:54

Shit choice of words and I’d be livid too.

However I would NEVER have a fully joint account with my DH. Our finances are calculated so each has equal disposable income in our personal accounts. This means neither of us needs to ask the other we we can... no arguments, need for anything other than periodic reassessments and money has never been an issue for either of us.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 17:55

Does he put you down in other ways as well e.g verbally?.

I think he is using his extra wage power here to financially abuse you leaving you in the lurch like this. His actions here are about power and control and he wants absolute over you here by doing this. You having to ask him for more money each month as a top up is also demeaning to you.

He really does not want to share with you and is making that crystal clear both by actions and words. I would also think he will go onto actively sabotage any attempt made by you to go back to work full time. I would also now seriously consider the future of your relationship because such men do not change.

Original poster
allure81 · 19/07/2018 17:56

I really don't care about the separate account/joint account argument. It was more a suggestion and I would have accepted a simple I'd prefer to keep it the way it is. Backstory stems from his family's background, his dad wasn't great with money so his mum used to take everything and give his dad a set amount otherwise there'd be no money for food/bills ect.

OP posts:
LunaMay · 19/07/2018 17:57

Would he have access to the joint account like he does his normal for everyday bits and pieces? Do you normally control it as you ask him to top up? Maybe just recalculate if not enough is going in and you don't want the bother of getting him to top it up midway through

twiglet · 19/07/2018 17:58

Ouch!
It's a pretty awful thing to say!

I have the same set up that our individual accounts go into the joint and I top up if required. I would still want to keep some of my wages but more for things like buying presents, clothes etc. I would happily put 90% into the joint though!

Maybe explain that his words hurt but also discuss him putting more in if your constantly having to ask.

Maelstrop · 19/07/2018 17:59

What the hell? Obviously he needs to put in more to pay for HIS children! I’m not saying the whole lot, but if you’re having to ask, he sounds controlling.

Original poster
allure81 · 19/07/2018 18:00

He has his own card to it yes and so do I. I might go through the statements and question a transaction and he'll say oh that's x and il be like that's grand and the same way he might do the same with me. We'd never question stuff like a coffee or lunch.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 19/07/2018 18:01

Wow, that’s pretty brusque. I’d be upset too. All he had to do was say “ how about I put in an extra £xxx”

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 18:03

I still maintain his whole attitude here is controlling and designed to keep you in the hole he has dug for you. He is using money and access to it to control you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 18:05

What does he do with the remaining cash in his sole named account?.

Original poster
allure81 · 19/07/2018 18:06

This was said a few night ago and we haven't moved past it and he's slept in the spare room. We attempted to talk yesterday and I told him what he said hurt and he showed no remorse and maintained that he how he feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
allure81 · 19/07/2018 18:10

He has a loan payment that comes out for a personal loan he took out and then that leaves with maybe 100/200 for himself. I would have about the same each month.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 18:14

I wondered about his parents attitudes to money and this is likely learnt from his mother. She controlled and still controls the purse strings in that household.

He really does see his salary as his and his alone, its not for sharing in his mind and he does not want to share any more of it with you. This whole business is also troubling because I think on some level he resents how "little" you put into the joint account and not caring about or realising that by doing the childcare and maintaining the house you facilitate his life. You're the little woman with no voice as far as he is concerned.

How is he with the children, I guess with them he is all sweetness and light and that also sends them mixed messages. He really does not treat you as his wife with the kindness, respect and love you deserve.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2018 18:15

How long ago was the personal loan taken out and for what purpose?.

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/07/2018 18:19

OK that back story makes sense. He has taken your request as an accusation that he's like his loser dad and you need to manage his money for him.

Given his family history I'd say you were deeply insensitive to even suggest him giving all his money to the joint account. In this situation I'd apologise for being so insensitive and say the history didn't cross your mind because you know he is good with money and is nothing like his dad.

SomeKnobend · 19/07/2018 18:21

That's not a back story, that's his mum keeping a roof over their heads and food in his belly.

I'd be massively wary of his commitment to the marriage. He obviously doesn't consider all the money to be "joint" money, he doesn't appreciate that you earn less because you sacrifice some of your earning potential in order to look after his children - in his mind, that's just tough for you and lucky him, he gets more, you get less and that's fine. It's also really worrying that while you're thinking of yourselves as a team and planning the future together, he's flying off and crying divorce the second he hears you say something he doesn't like. Why is his mind going straight there?

Has his behaviour or attitude changed recently, or has he always been an arse?

Huskylover1 · 19/07/2018 18:25

He either has £100 left or £200. They are very different amounts. I think the crux here, is whether you both have the same amount left over to play with. Your earning power has been severely diminished, because you are the person who has taken part time work, to free up time to do childcare. You should not be penalised for this.

Aria2015 · 19/07/2018 18:27

Odd reaction, surely when you're married and have kids what's his is yours and visa versa! Besides sounds like your the one with no money to your name so how is it that fair?

LeaWings · 19/07/2018 18:29

I personally wouldn’t want to have a joint account with DH, but your husband doesn’t seem committed to the marriage to say something like that over an issue he had that you could’ve easily talked over. For him to show no remorse for a comment that hurt you isnt acceptable

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