Husband broke my car keys - very low point

[Haemanthus]

Namechanged but am a regular poster. DH and I are arguing all the time and I don’t know what to do about it. I am definitely a large part of the problem but I don’t feel I’m the instigator - maybe I’m wrong though.

Background: I’ve recently returned to a demanding uni course after DC2, working part time alongside that. DH works full time, stressful shift-work. We have also got other issues going on - both of our families of origin are tricky and take a lot of emotional resources, DC1 is being investigated for ASD, money is very very tight currently due to me studying (though when I finish I am guaranteed a relatively well-paid job, so we know it’s temporary), DH recently missed a promotion he was encouraged to apply for and is upset about that, we both have some ongoing health issues.

Today- we had to rush to get some food before DH started work (an appointment had overrun) so I suggested getting a drive-through. There are several quite close together, I can only have food from one due to allergies. However, I wasn’t bothered as I thought there were leftovers in the fridge at home, so asked where he wanted us to go. He said he’d go to the place I can eat at, but I said I wasn’t bothered, and we went to his preferred place. I drove so he could eat as soon as we got food.

On way home DC2 started crying as he was overtired and hates being in the car. I find the sound of him crying in the car very stressful as I can’t do anything about it and I feel trapped (I suspect, and GP agrees, that I also have ASD, and a big issue is that while I previously coped/ masked well as I’ve become increasingly stressed over the last couple of years I’ve found it more difficult). While he was crying, I mentioned the leftovers and Dh reminded me they’d been used up, so I said ‘oh for goodness sake, I was really hungry!’ quite forcefully as I was very stressed with the crying.

DH immediately started having a go saying I was making him feel guilty - I apologised and said I was just stressed with the crying, hadn’t meant him to feel guilty, it was my idea to get ‘his’ drive-through as I thought there was food at home etc but he wouldn’t drop it. I asked him to please stop having a go as I couldn’t cope with the baby wailing and him shouting at me - one or the other is bearable but both makes me feel like my head is going to explode - and when he wouldn’t stop I yelled at him. He then started saying I wasn’t safe to drive like that and started shouting at me to pull over. I refused as we were two minutes from home and the main problem was him shouting at me. Also (as he has since admitted) my driving was absolutely fine. As we approached a junction he went to grab the handbrake and I asked him what the hell he was doing and shoved his hand off. Drove the rest of the way home with him yelling in my ear that I had to pull over and how dare I keep driving and I was being ridiculous.

When we pulled up at home he jumped out the car and went to storm off. I said something snarky along the lines of ‘well clearly my driving isn’t actually that bad if you’re happy to leave DC in the car with me.’ He then said ‘you’re right, get out’ and tried to yank my keys out of the ignition, which broke them.

I don’t know what to do. He thinks I overreact to everything. I think he is just incapable of ever admitting he’s in the wrong/ backing down - hence continuing to yell the whole way home even though he knew he was making everything worse. He tried to tell me I was swerving all over the road - when I pointed out that that had been before we were arguing, when I had deliberately wiggled the steering wheel on an empty stretch of road, and said as a semi-joke, ‘maybe this will get DC off to sleep’, he admitted that that was true and I hadn’t been driving badly. But still says he thinks that when he demanded I pull over I should have done.

We’ve spoken since he went to work - he has apologised and so have I- but I’m so fed up with these ridiculous minor things turning into huge arguments. He can be lovely, sometimes, but I’m always worried he’s going to turn into a shouty twat over nothing (with me - he’s very patient with the DC). He is apparently always worried I’m
going to take things the wrong way. So I suppose I’m starting to think maybe we’re just crap for each other. Each time we argue (at the moment at least once a week) I feel like I care less about him. He says I’m cold, and tbh I do feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I love him properly any more. Sometimes I’m sure I do and some days I just feel so disappointed in our relationship and in him and in myself that I want to be shot of the whole thing. I hate that DC are seeing this, albeit today was a rarity - mostly we keep arguments out of their earshot/ after bedtime, and they’re very little. But as they get older they’re bound to pick up on it, if we don’t either resolve it or split up.

I don’t really know why I’m posting - I suppose I want some external perspective on whether this is life stresses being dealt with very poorly by both of us, and consistent work/ counselling could fix it. Or whether just to throw in the towel.

There is also a big big part of me that thinks I should never have married or have had DC. That I want/ need time alone too much and am now constantly stressed to breaking point because I live in a small flat with three other humans who constantly want attention and interaction. The DC can’t help it- they need me, and I adore them, and it’s not their fault I wildly over-estimated my ability to cope with having a family. But with DH I mostly want him to leave me alone. And that is definitely not what he signed up for and is very unfair of me.

It’s all just such a bloody mess.

Lots of unreasonableness all round here. Wouldn't it have been easier to check if there were leftovers still around by speaking to each other about it before setting of for food rather than assuming something? Maybe a learning point.

I know. This is what I mean. It’s ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous.

I just can’t see if the problem is that we’re both just up to our eyeballs at the moment, and need to chill out and talk to each other and remember that we love each other and why.

Or whether it’s better just to admit I’m shit at having a relationship and we should just split up. DC1 would be devestated though. And so would both of us be, actually, not to be with the DC all the time.

And I do/ did take my marriage vows seriously. I never thought I’d contemplate getting divorced except over something major and awful like cheating, but I cannot cope with these constant arguments!

It sounds to me like you are both under stress and that's why things are so bad, it is really difficult when life is hard all round and neither of you can step back. Can you talk about it when you're both a bit calmer? Sometimes it helps if one of you can find it in yourself to remind the other that you're only arguing because you're stressed/tired/whatever. Can you get an evening out together? Sometimes we really needed that to remember that we did actually like each other. Hope things look up for you soon.

You’re massively stressed. Can you defer your uni course for one year?

The thing that stands out to me is how much you are all up against. You’ve got a hell of a lot on your plate.
When it’s like this it can get very much ‘every man for himself’ and I can see how you’ve got to this.
It’s a communication thing from here on in. Can you agree you’re on the same team and find a way to have each other’s backs a bit more? It’s so hard when you have so much else to contend with, but you both sound like you need more support - and in the first instance, from each other.
Get wider family on board too, if you can.
You don’t have to fight for yourselves. It’s what happens, but it just makes everything worse.

There is also a big big part of me that thinks I should never have married or have had DC. That I want/ need time alone too much and am now constantly stressed to breaking point because I live in a small flat with three other humans who constantly want attention and interaction. The DC can’t help it- they need me, and I adore them, and it’s not their fault I wildly over-estimated my ability to cope with having a family. But with DH I mostly want him to leave me alone

OP, I really hear you when you say this, and I think this is the crux of your issue; you need more alone time and that's OK.

Is there a way you can negotiate this and make your needs known? Did your partner know you needed alone time before you made such a commitment to each other? Having children can make you feel so 'touched out' as I call it - completely draining. You need a bit of 'fitting your own oxygen mask before helping others'....

Lady, I think you’re right. We might need to to sort a day to have some time together - for various (stressful!) reasons we can’t really leave the dc with any family so would have to pay for extra childcare. Still, probably cheaper than a divorce. There is a possibility FIL could sit babysit when they’re asleep but we’re both zombies by the evening, so not sure how much of a chat we’d manage. Will suggest it though.

And May I can’t no. It’s my final year of medical school. I have to finish and start work as at the moment we are constantly in our overdraft and putting childcare on credit cards. Tbh uni is fine- it’s demanding but actually it gives me a break from thinking about other stuff, like crap with my parents. I wasn’t very good at being on maternity leave either time. I’ve reduced my part-time work (at DH suggestion) but feel very guilty about that too as it increases the financial strain on him.

I dont think you should defer your course.
I dont want to jump the gun but the relief i felt at separating from my exH and the mental space it gave me was instant and amazing.
I am also ASD, so is my son. Do not however confuse you having asd and needing quiet space, with believing having a someone screaming in your ear while you were in charge of a powerful piece of machinery, making you feel worried and making out the problem is you, is ok.
It is not ok. Breaking your things is not ok.
Neither of those are because of your uni course or asd.
The man is abusive. Think how your children will pick up on that and ask yourself if you would want them in a partnership like that. A good father respects the mother of his children, PARTICULARLY IN FRONT OF his child.

Just something to consider. This is not an argument normal couples have. It really isnt.

The way he behaved in the car coukd have killed you all.

It sounds like a massive amount of stress completely blowing out of all proportion to me. What's going on with your parents?

Is there any way you could be less financially stretched? Are there outgoings on loan repayments or anything like that that could be rescheduled for when you're working?

You aren't the only person in the world who finds the sound of a child crying very stressful, ASD or no ASD. My DS (10) does a certain voice that I find close to unbearable when I'm tired or stressed (dealing with a bereavement at the moment after cancer so it's been tough). I had to leave the room several times the other day because he was just giving me the rage... And he wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary childish carry on. It was me. System overload.

So that's what is going on with you and your DH. System overload.

What ages are DC? I realise from your post one must be toddler type age... Have you got any friends that could take DC to the park or anything like that at the weekend? Do they go to childminder or nursery or anything? Could they go an extra day?

You just need to do something to relieve a bit of stress. Are you getting any time on your own? Walk in the evening when DC are in bed?

Obviously if that level of anger continues it's not healthy and could be dangerous to stay in the relationship, as others have pointed out.

apart from everything else, going to grab the handbrake is really fucking stupid and he shouldn't be in the car if he's liable to do that (there was a thread about this a while ago)

My parents: messy divorce a decade ago. My dad has been weird ever since and randomly stoppped talking to me at Christmas this year because I haven’t supported him and his new wife enough (the OW he went off with). And I got him a book he’d already read for Christmas. Trying to convince myself it’s not great loss really but still a bit cut up about it. My mum is incredibly depressed and physically quite unwell but won’t get help for either. Complains constantly that I don’t see her enough (we see her at least once a week) or call enough (at least every couple of days), doesn’t believe we should be getting DS1 assessed for ASD as there’s ‘clearly nothing wrong with him’, complains about my sister to me all the time. Wants constantly to go over stuff that happened with my dad a decade ago. Complains that I never ask her to look after dc and then when I have very occasionally asked her to look after them for a couple of hours complains about how exhausting she finds it and how I shouldn’t have asked her. Nothing major but lots of minor, misery-inducing crap.

Dc are almost 4 and 1. They were both going to nursery but it failed an ofsted inspection and closed suddenly a fortnight ago. DC2 had just settled, DC1 loved it there and loved the routine. We’ve had to find an emergency childminder for the next few weeks but she can only have them on days DH is working, so there’s no routine. She’s been great with them but it’s been a bit of a shock all round. I’m off for three weeks soon, then DH has leave booked to cover the rest of the summer, but they were both meant to be doing some days at nursery in that time so we could get on top of stuff a bit. Now that’s no longer the case. DC1 is starting school in September and I’m worried he’s going to find it really tough. We’ve had to find new childcare for DC2 and that doesn’t start til September.

I’ve started running to try to get a bit of headspace but now that feels like an extra task and I feel shit when I don’t run ‘well’. Plus it’s diffixult as a lot of evenings DH isn’t here. And both of them are crap sleepers. They both went to bed at 7 tonight but DS2 is teething and has woken three times and DS1 managed to hurl himself out of bed ten minutes ago so I’m currently sitting in with him as he wanted a cuddle to go back to sleep. The flat is a shit tip, I have uni work coming out my ears, other work work that is several days over-due, the cat is ill and I’m just going round and round in circles trying to work out what the hell to do with my life.

The handbrake thing was horrible. He’s never done that before but it shook me a lot. It was so bloody stupid.

Oh OP, I think this argument is nothing to do with food or driving or anything. It's that you both have two little ones and ALOT going on. It's not just your school or his shift work, it's everything combined. I unfortunately have no advice, other than to tell you this is just a season. It will be over, you'll graduate and be working which will ease the financial burden. Hopefully your DS gets support (that's another fight and stress though). Hang in there. Make at least 15-20 min of quality time with your DH and when finances are better make sure you're getting out for date nights. Learn to talk to each other without becoming emotional. Look into counseling if possible.

Correct me if Im wrong, I dont know any junior drs personally, but will your stress not get worse after finishing your medical degree rather than better...?

Havent got anything to add to what others have said really. Does sound like you need some time alone to reconnect, or some couples counselling but if youre strapped for cash that may be difficult...

The two of you are at the end of your respective tethers. Does your sister live anywhere near? You need help more than anything else.

Dirty i think the stress is more financial, although F1 hours can be intense. Chilcare predictability is important also.

dirty you’re right of course but User is too. I’m sure it will be stressful but the financial stress will ease a lot, and I can do less than full time training once I start work. At the moment I’m doing a full time course an hour and a half’s commute away, so am out 7-7 4 days a week and trying to do online lectures while looking after small children on the 5th day (which obviously doesn’t actually work, hence my backlog of work 🙄), and if DH is off at the weekends or on my day off I do part-time work or study, so we get literally no time together. 60% of even a junior doctor’s hours seems good in comparison.

ballyhoo she isn’t close, no. She lives over an hour away and keeps her distance so she doesn't have to deal with mum much. We get on fine and I love her very much but she’s not really someone I could ask for emotional or practical support.

FIL lives very locally and helps us as much as he can, but finds it very difficult to cope with both DC together. So eg he will happily drop them both to childminder so I can get an earlier train, or take DS1 to the park for an hour, and that’s a huge help of course, but he’s 76 and we don’t want to put upon him. Also we’ve both noticed in the last couple of months he’s getting very forgetful and seems not to be managing as well - so that’s another thing I think DH in particular is very worried about. He’s psyching himself up to raise it with him and see if fil thinks he should go to his GP but that’s going to go down like a lead balloon.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. It’s been very helpful to write it all down.
We will look into counselling. I think possibly DH can access some through his work.

Can I also add that you need to avoid falling into the trap of thinking that people who need alone time should not be parents. Or people who may have ASD. It is likely to make you a better parent to your older child, it is likely to mean you don't try to live through your children which is pretty awful for them, and don't underestimate how many women there are up and down the country who crave a bit of space. Families are bloody chaotic. Worth it, but chaotic. And it sounds like you are over blaming yourself because you snapped at him when you were hungry and baby was screeching. AND HE GRABBED THE HANDBRAKE??? Not on. If you had crashed he could well have been prosecuted for that.

Shouting in your ear when you were driving instead of remaining calm and trying to distract/comfort your crying child is unacceptable. The hand brake and car key things are over the top.

I might forgive if he showed extreme remorse. Otherwise I would be done.

I am talking about extreme remorse and regularly proving that he was taking steps to find ways to blow off steam that do not involved shouting or stressing you out.

His behaviour in the car was completely unacceptable and dangerous and he needs to apologise.

However you sound massively stressed and I don't think it's going to go away when you finish your degree. The financial burden might ease but junior doctors work exceedingly long hours - unpredictable ones at that. A hospital job isn't one you can just clock off from at 5pm because you have a child to collect - your patients come first.

Both my parents worked in medicine and while my dad was senior enough when I was born to have relatively sensible/normal hours, my mum was often out of the house 14-15 hours a day, or came home for dinner and ended up back at the hospital until midnight afterwards. Whenever my dad was on call he had to give up about eight hours of his weekend and he couldn't go out anywhere far in case he was needed at work.

They didn't have financial worries and could pay for childcare that enabled them to have couples time but they were both massively stressed with work the hours it took from them.

My children are the same age and my partner and I have a similar hot-temper/sensitive combination as you and yours. I can absolutely imagine us having this fight, me not saying about the food at home etc etc. We are both tired all the time too, even with family help. I think you and your partner need to find little bits of time to have nice moments together that keep your relationship alive! His behaviour wasn't ok, but at the same time your lives sound incredibly stressful and I wonder if things could improve in different circumstances.

I think you need to talk and say that you both need to find ways to deal with things without shouting and arguing, and if that can’t happen, then it’s time to think about splitting up.

He sounds very competitive, like he doesn’t want to back down and let you “win”. This isn’t good. I find when I’m getting wound up that it’s good to take a deep breath and just stop and think before I react. Maybe try somethings by like that. But you can only change your own behavior, he needs to change his own behavior too and manage his anger better