Husband broke my car keys - very low point

[Haemanthus]

Namechanged but am a regular poster. DH and I are arguing all the time and I don’t know what to do about it. I am definitely a large part of the problem but I don’t feel I’m the instigator - maybe I’m wrong though.

Background: I’ve recently returned to a demanding uni course after DC2, working part time alongside that. DH works full time, stressful shift-work. We have also got other issues going on - both of our families of origin are tricky and take a lot of emotional resources, DC1 is being investigated for ASD, money is very very tight currently due to me studying (though when I finish I am guaranteed a relatively well-paid job, so we know it’s temporary), DH recently missed a promotion he was encouraged to apply for and is upset about that, we both have some ongoing health issues.

Today- we had to rush to get some food before DH started work (an appointment had overrun) so I suggested getting a drive-through. There are several quite close together, I can only have food from one due to allergies. However, I wasn’t bothered as I thought there were leftovers in the fridge at home, so asked where he wanted us to go. He said he’d go to the place I can eat at, but I said I wasn’t bothered, and we went to his preferred place. I drove so he could eat as soon as we got food.

On way home DC2 started crying as he was overtired and hates being in the car. I find the sound of him crying in the car very stressful as I can’t do anything about it and I feel trapped (I suspect, and GP agrees, that I also have ASD, and a big issue is that while I previously coped/ masked well as I’ve become increasingly stressed over the last couple of years I’ve found it more difficult). While he was crying, I mentioned the leftovers and Dh reminded me they’d been used up, so I said ‘oh for goodness sake, I was really hungry!’ quite forcefully as I was very stressed with the crying.

DH immediately started having a go saying I was making him feel guilty - I apologised and said I was just stressed with the crying, hadn’t meant him to feel guilty, it was my idea to get ‘his’ drive-through as I thought there was food at home etc but he wouldn’t drop it. I asked him to please stop having a go as I couldn’t cope with the baby wailing and him shouting at me - one or the other is bearable but both makes me feel like my head is going to explode - and when he wouldn’t stop I yelled at him. He then started saying I wasn’t safe to drive like that and started shouting at me to pull over. I refused as we were two minutes from home and the main problem was him shouting at me. Also (as he has since admitted) my driving was absolutely fine. As we approached a junction he went to grab the handbrake and I asked him what the hell he was doing and shoved his hand off. Drove the rest of the way home with him yelling in my ear that I had to pull over and how dare I keep driving and I was being ridiculous.

When we pulled up at home he jumped out the car and went to storm off. I said something snarky along the lines of ‘well clearly my driving isn’t actually that bad if you’re happy to leave DC in the car with me.’ He then said ‘you’re right, get out’ and tried to yank my keys out of the ignition, which broke them.

I don’t know what to do. He thinks I overreact to everything. I think he is just incapable of ever admitting he’s in the wrong/ backing down - hence continuing to yell the whole way home even though he knew he was making everything worse. He tried to tell me I was swerving all over the road - when I pointed out that that had been before we were arguing, when I had deliberately wiggled the steering wheel on an empty stretch of road, and said as a semi-joke, ‘maybe this will get DC off to sleep’, he admitted that that was true and I hadn’t been driving badly. But still says he thinks that when he demanded I pull over I should have done.

We’ve spoken since he went to work - he has apologised and so have I- but I’m so fed up with these ridiculous minor things turning into huge arguments. He can be lovely, sometimes, but I’m always worried he’s going to turn into a shouty twat over nothing (with me - he’s very patient with the DC). He is apparently always worried I’m
going to take things the wrong way. So I suppose I’m starting to think maybe we’re just crap for each other. Each time we argue (at the moment at least once a week) I feel like I care less about him. He says I’m cold, and tbh I do feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I love him properly any more. Sometimes I’m sure I do and some days I just feel so disappointed in our relationship and in him and in myself that I want to be shot of the whole thing. I hate that DC are seeing this, albeit today was a rarity - mostly we keep arguments out of their earshot/ after bedtime, and they’re very little. But as they get older they’re bound to pick up on it, if we don’t either resolve it or split up.

I don’t really know why I’m posting - I suppose I want some external perspective on whether this is life stresses being dealt with very poorly by both of us, and consistent work/ counselling could fix it. Or whether just to throw in the towel.

There is also a big big part of me that thinks I should never have married or have had DC. That I want/ need time alone too much and am now constantly stressed to breaking point because I live in a small flat with three other humans who constantly want attention and interaction. The DC can’t help it- they need me, and I adore them, and it’s not their fault I wildly over-estimated my ability to cope with having a family. But with DH I mostly want him to leave me alone. And that is definitely not what he signed up for and is very unfair of me.

It’s all just such a bloody mess.

What your husband did was dangerous and uncalled for.

Can I ask where are you in your course and what is your ultimate plan in terms of what you want to do after F1/F2. I’m a dr and chose a specialty which ends up with very good hours and pay with lots of private work but is extremely competitive to get a “run-through” so I wouldn’t recommend it for you as you would need to put a lot of extra time, effort and work to get in and there are just too many drs who want it with stress free lives giving them opportunities which would put them over you.

There are many drs with children so I would suggest not feeling like you can’t make it. YOU CAN. But some way you will need to get some extra help with the children and some ME time and I also think a good shot of counselling will help... perhaps as a student (especially a medical student) this might be free through uni or BMA?

It’s a very long time since I graduated and I’ve worked through the system and know how unpredictable hours can be so you will need a lot of childcare arrangements and a better functioning family unit hence why I suggest the support networks need improvement if you can. As a dr however your number one priority will be your patients. They come first at work and so this is why what you need to be thinking of carefully is the specialty you want to do as you already have a lot of factors in your life that will make or break your training.

You are both under enormous stress, both in your everyday lives and in this particular scenario, as you were under pressure to grab food on the go for a quick turnaround.

I tend to feel that this was very much an argument between two people that escalated quickly due to stressors, rather than abuse as some pp have suggested.

He wanted to go to your choice of restaurant but you persuaded him otherwise, then got cross when he later reminded you that there weren't any leftovers at home.

Having lived with someone who used to make everything my fault, I can well understand how that would feel to him.

After that, you mention the baby crying as adding to your stress levels, but it would've added to his as well.

It sounds like you then got very agitated, yes because he was yelling, but agitated none the less. You say you felt like your head was going to explode, like you couldn't cope. Why not pull over then, to calm down, to both calm down?

Grabbing the handbrake as you rolled up to a junction, so presumably at a near stop? I've done that. I've done that to a person when I was genuinely frightened.

So you say - it would've been fine if he'd stopped yelling. And he says - it would've been fine if she'd stopped driving.

And breaking the keys. He didn't intentionally break them, they broke as he snatched them from the ignition.

You both have dc so I tend to think you should do everything you can to stay together. As you say, things will get better when you qualify. Fewer hours, more money for childcare, counselling, time together and potentially a move to a larger property. It can be resolved, if you both want it to be.

Rainy
I agreed with all you said but definitely not with fewer hours when she qualifies or even time together!

Hours will get worse for sure with actual responsibility for patients lives... that’s my concern about this situation hence why I advised to think carefully about what she will do with life after being a junior dr.

There is so much more than just turning up to work and clocking off at 5pm (never happens btw!) that is expected of you including post graduate exams (difficult and expensive often requiring multiple attempts), writing publications, attending expensive courses and conferences, presentations the list goes on... there are some specialities (usually surgical) that require this more than others if you want to get on to them but it takes alot of time out of you and then you have length of training.

Don’t get me wrong on my program there are many women with kids but they all seem to be married to men who are already well paid consultants.

But @Seriousquestion09 OP said she will be working 60% not full time once she qualifies which will help.

And the stress relief of qualifying and earning a good wage will also help.

Hang in there OP - no wonder you're both stressed with everything you've got on your plate at the moment.

Sorry missed that point- but my colleagues that do this often find they are catching up with work at home... medicine hours just are not like regular work but hang in there OP you can do it.

You've both got so much on. If you have a guaranteed income, can you take out a loan to hire some help?

OP, You really handled this in the wrong way.

No matter what you think of your driving, when a passenger asks you to pull over, then that is what you do. You do not keep someone in a moving car against their will. The passenger has no control, so if they are actually scared enough to ask you to stop then that is what you do. Doesn’t matter if it’s a husband, friend or child. If they say that you need to clam down then you stop the car... even if you don’t agree. It would only be for a minute to give you both a breather and calm down.

He had no control and was worried, you kept driving whilst fighting and he got more and more stressed... so he kept shouting. In that situation, because of the moving car, I side with him. You should have stopped. You do not ever put your family in danger to make a point, and he felt in danger... even if it was nonsense, it is how he felt.

I’m sure your fights are usually started evenly by one of the other, but this was you. It was your mistake, after you convinced him he could eat somewhere you couldn’t. Then you shouted at him. You should have stopped the car and calmed down.

Work on dealing with your stress. Ask him to work on dealing with his. You are both feeling stress and anxiety, and when that happens and neither of you can back down for even a minute (you refused a simple request to stop the car for a minute, he wouldn’t stop shouting).... that’s a recipe for disaster. And your child was in the car....that’s very bad OP.

I wonder if it’s worth asking your sister, even if it’s not something you’d normally do. Tough times require exploring options.

I really feel for you. I haven’t been quite where you are, but I recognise that thing of feeling you’re dealing with things alone and partner is part of the problem. My gut feeling is that you both feel you’re having a hard time, and that’s not being acknowledged by respective partner.

I think I would want to agree with partner that neither of us want an argument like that again. Can you acknowledge to each other that you are in an unreasonable situation and sometimes that means it’s difficult to be reasonable? I think you could do with some kindness to each other for where you’re at. The kindness may help shift the resentment. Acknowledging to each other that you’re finding the situation hard and are feeling like your needs aren’t being met could be a start. If you can move closer to feeling like a team o think it would make things more bearable.

The above approach is assuming he’s a reasonable human being at the end of his tether (as are you) rather than abusive. You’ll prob know better than anyone reading a short post. It sounds to me more like a low point of an argument as you say. It’s worth investigating ways to make this better if so. If you can’t change your stressors, you need to change how you as a couple handle them. He needs to be willing to do this too

If you split you'd get regular time away from the kids which you might benefit from. There's no shame in finding parenting difficult and needing time alone, we just don't accept it in mothers so much but that's sexist bullshit.

Sorry I haven't been replying much - I've been reading though and thinking a lot.

Things are a bit better - when I posted I felt so miserable about our relationship. Now after a day or so of calm I feel much more positive. But I just worry about when it will start again over something stupid.

Fizzy I definitely don't think that about people who need time alone, or have ASD, in general. Just me specifically. But I think that's more to do with feeling I'm an inadequate parent generally.

I agree with everyone suggesting that it's more both of us behaving badly than him. I was angry when I wrote the OP and probably made it sound more his fault than it actually is. Rocinante I know it's bad. I suppose I felt at the time like him telling me to stop the car was more about portraying me as unreasonable/ hysterical than it was about him actually being worried about my driving. He has admitted as much since, too. But I take your point that it is frightening being a passenger and not in control.

Serious I've just gone back into final year, after a year's maternity leave - our uni has an odd run-through from 4th to 5th year, so our finals are actually at Christmas with elective and transition placements afterwards before the start of FY1. At the moment, I think ultimately I want to do paeds, but not sure if I will manage it, realistically. My plan for foundation years is to try to get the closest hospitals to home possible, and do as much less than full time as the foundation school will allow. Then hopefully once the DC are both a little bit older I can step things up a bit, and DH might be able to do more flexible hours in a couple of years which would help us all a lot too.

In terms of the fight the other day, we've agreed we don't ever want to do that again, particularly not in a moving car or in front of the DC. So we will both try hard. He's looking in to couples' counselling through his work.

Something I should have mentioned but genuinely forgot is I'm in the process of coming off antidepressants. I had bad PND after having DS1 and have been on them ever since, as was tapering off when I found out I was pregnant with DS2 and agreed it would be better just to stay on them through pregnancy and afterwards to keep things stable. But DS2 is 1 now and I am really done with them. I definitely don't think I'm depressed any more - stressed, definitely, and with long-term 'issues', but not depressed. However coming off them is making my moods go crazy. Which probably means I'm being more of a dick to DH than I think I am. Am hoping it stabilises soonish as has only been about a week.