Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Ex blocked me after I wrote to him - was it that bad?!

66 replies

MontgomeryMoose · 18/07/2018 20:36

Long time lurker, but this is my first post so please be gentle!

My boyfriend ended things with me about a month ago. The other day I found a DVD which I'd bought him before we split, and as I didn't have the receipt to return it, I decided to sent it to him along with a letter.

The letter was brief and I talked about whilst I was sad things had ended, that I accepted his decision and that I thought he was a great guy and I was glad that I was able to date him for a short while as he had made me really happy. I mentioned that I was hurt by the method of ending things (via text ), the fact that he didn't give me a proper reason for splitting up, and that I'd felt we'd had potential for a great future based on how well we'd got along.

He messaged me on WhatsApp today to say that whilst he'd like to thank me for the DVD he felt the letter showed two things - that I think he has poor judgement and that I think he's a liar. He's now blocked me on all forms of messaging.

Whilst I've clearly dodged a bullet, I'm struggling to get my head round how someone can react in that way. He has a background of bad anxiety and some mental health problems but I don't see how anything I said to him couldn't have triggered such a bad reaction. Nothing I put in the letter was a criticism of his judgement and at no point did I accuse him of being a liar.

For context, we have mutual friends and I know there's nobody else involved.

I've got no intention on contacting him again (I can't anyway!), but I'd be interested to know if any of you have experience something similar as it's really thrown me and I'm wondering if I ever knew him at all!

OP posts:

Mousefunky · 19/07/2018 10:56

I broke up with an abusive ex via text years ago and he sent me a 4 page rambling letter a while after about how he wishes things had been different and so on. I just found it creepy. Obviously there was a lot more to our relationship to block him over than just that letter but I would have found a letter along those lines weird from any ex tbh...

You should have called him at the time to ask why he was breaking up with you then left it there. The DVD is basically like when desperate exes say “I found one of your socks, do you want me to bring it over?”. Desperate and needy.

LunchBoxPolice · 19/07/2018 11:01

How do you know that he's blocked you on all forms of messaging not just WhatsApp?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 11:08

If a man had done this to me I would think he was someone who didn’t understand no for an answer and would ignore my feelings in a relationship. It would come across as someone who couldn’t accept not having the last word or that they didn’t get to do the dumping.

FWIW- and I realise I’m in a minority here, but I’m more than happy to be dumped by text far easier to process that without someone sitting looking at you waiting for your response.

HellenaHandbasket · 19/07/2018 11:12

The key point here is length of relationship
2 yrs...he's a bit of a cock. 2 months...the op is ott.

FuckPants · 19/07/2018 11:57

He did the right thing.

adaline · 19/07/2018 12:25

So everyone on this thread would just accept it without question and move on if they got dumped, even if they didn’t feel the same?

Well, I certainly wouldn't want to pester someone if they didn't want to be with me! He broke up with her and they've not been in touch for a month - why then get back in touch and stir up old problems for no reason?

Of course being dumped is horrible especially if you don't want the relationship to end, but you can't force someone to give you an explanation, nor can you force them to want to talk to you afterwards.

In my experience the easiest way to get over a break-up is to just stop contact. Unless you have children or property together there's no need to stay in touch when you break up. Just sort out anything that needs sorting and go your separate ways.

sonjadog · 19/07/2018 12:54

One lesson I have learnt in life is that letters sent to people with emotional outpourings aimed at them are seldom a good idea and never het you what you want. If you need to talk over feelings with someone, do it face to face.

P00ka · 19/07/2018 13:28

20 years ago nearly i did call out a man who dumped me with a ludicrous character assassination. He was not able to see that he was the bad guy, tearing thru the female friends of his uni friend (my flatmate).
It was v damaging at the time. Mutual friends. Im sure he just wrote me off as crazy but even so he may have thought twice about yet another fling with a friend of a friend. He scarred me and i did not accept it with a shrug.
Sadly the next relationship was abusive because he made me feel so worthless. He would take no responsibilty of course but he was a contributing factor to my ending up in abusive relarionship.

Im torn tho because now i collude with the letting them away with it protocol. I know it can validate them to let them know they hurt you.

JayoftheRed · 19/07/2018 13:36

Just wanted to say, I love your username, OP! I am a fellow Get Along Gang fan x

Zipper Cat all the way!

OP, I get why you did what you did. If you hadn't come across the DVD maybe you wouldn't have done anything at all, but it gave you a chance to say your piece.

When I was 18, my boyfriend went away to uni. I wrote him a long rambling letter telling him how much I loved him and that I would always be there for him, but that I understood that he was in a different world to me now and that I could never match up to all these girls he would meet and that I totally understood that he would want to do stuff with them - or words to that effect.

I cringe thinking about it. I remember saying that he could be anyone's Joe, but would always be my Joey (not his real name, but you get the idea!).

We hadn't even split up! I was just maudlin.

So you're not alone. You've said your piece, maybe given him something to think about, and now you can move on.

Johnnyfinland · 19/07/2018 15:26

Even if the genders were reversed I’d say the guy has a right to make his feelings clear if he didn’t want the relationship to end. If he continued pestering after being told no again then it would tip into harassment but one heartfelt letter to me just says “emotionally hurt person making a last ditch attempt to save the relationship”.

No, the person who doesn’t want the relationship to continue has no obligation to respond or talk to the person they dumped and shouldn’t feel forced to, but the dumpee is still entitled to make their feelings clear if they feel that strongly enough

Katgurl · 19/07/2018 16:17

OP I feel for you as you're clearly low already and now getting a kicking.

The reality is though - it's transparent to us that the DVD was an excuse to send the letter and it would have been to him too. Also, what you wrote sounds passive aggressive. He didn't want to be with you and I'm sure he had his reasons.

I've had guys send letters or angrily make accusations at me when I've finished with them. It's unfair. I always had my reasons and I was entitled to end things based on them. It's not always the right thing to say why. Personally for me I would not want to tell a man that he got on my nerves or I didn't enjoy sex with him because he was doing nothing wrong and the next girl could love him for exactly the reasons I didn't.

Yes he was blunt in how he finished with you. Yes he was blunt in his reaction to your letter. That's the type of person he is.

In terms of looking after yourself, don't put yourself in a position like this again. You've now had double rejection. And actually there was no logical reason to risk feeling like this. The letter was not going to change his mind about his decision. If he wanted to discuss how things ended or pursue you again then he would have contacted you. Everyone does what they want at the end of the day. Nobody is going to want to be with you out of a sense of guilt.

Next time write the letter but don't send. Why give him the opportunity to mock you?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 16:37

If he continued pestering after being told no again

Why does he need to say no twice? Surely the ending of a relationship ship is them very clearly telling you they are done and don’t want to br involved with you. Why do you think anyone has a right to question their decision and try and make them assert themselves again?

MadMags · 19/07/2018 18:54

Why should he have to say no more than once??? I can’t believe what I’m reading here!!!

IamXXHearMeRoar · 19/07/2018 18:58

For future note these rules of self respect, if a guy dumps you leaving behind gifts you bought him, they are yours. If a guy dumps you by text/post it/any other cowardly medium he no longer exists in your universe and any further mention of him should be responded to with "who?".

You deserve better OP, be sure to remind yourself.

Gretagumbo · 19/07/2018 20:56

Some awful replies on here, so none of you have let your dignity slip, ever? Great to be so ice cool.

Women just love to batter other women...let’s just stop.

Op we’ve all done it - the misguided drunken text/phone call/whatever. I also been on the receiving end & i’ve treated that person with kindness.

I can see that if you were in rescue mode you might have thought his anxiety was taking over.....

Best thing is live & learn. You misjudged don’t beat yourself up & don’t let the twats on here make you feel like a stalker - everyone of them has had a dignity slip or two in their history.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 19/07/2018 21:35

I talked about whilst I was sad things had ended, that I accepted his decision and that I thought he was a great guy and I was glad that I was able to date him for a short while as he had made me really happy. I mentioned that I was hurt by the method of ending things (via text ), the fact that he didn't give me a proper reason for splitting up, and that I'd felt we'd had potential for a great future based on how well we'd got along.

a) this does not sound like a brief letter.
b) I cannot tell you how unwelcome ANY of that would be to me from someone I had dumped. Pretty much all the bolded would reinforce to me that I had made the right choice.

I would have found it difficult not to tell you to fuck off and leave me alone. Not because you're horrible but because I would be so fucked off at what looks like recrimination and emotional pressure from someone I DID NOT WANT TO BE WITH.

Let it go, FFS.

Flip

1 2 3