Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Ex blocked me after I wrote to him - was it that bad?!

66 replies

MontgomeryMoose · 18/07/2018 20:36

Long time lurker, but this is my first post so please be gentle!

My boyfriend ended things with me about a month ago. The other day I found a DVD which I'd bought him before we split, and as I didn't have the receipt to return it, I decided to sent it to him along with a letter.

The letter was brief and I talked about whilst I was sad things had ended, that I accepted his decision and that I thought he was a great guy and I was glad that I was able to date him for a short while as he had made me really happy. I mentioned that I was hurt by the method of ending things (via text ), the fact that he didn't give me a proper reason for splitting up, and that I'd felt we'd had potential for a great future based on how well we'd got along.

He messaged me on WhatsApp today to say that whilst he'd like to thank me for the DVD he felt the letter showed two things - that I think he has poor judgement and that I think he's a liar. He's now blocked me on all forms of messaging.

Whilst I've clearly dodged a bullet, I'm struggling to get my head round how someone can react in that way. He has a background of bad anxiety and some mental health problems but I don't see how anything I said to him couldn't have triggered such a bad reaction. Nothing I put in the letter was a criticism of his judgement and at no point did I accuse him of being a liar.

For context, we have mutual friends and I know there's nobody else involved.

I've got no intention on contacting him again (I can't anyway!), but I'd be interested to know if any of you have experience something similar as it's really thrown me and I'm wondering if I ever knew him at all!

OP posts:

Guavaf1sh · 19/07/2018 00:52

The letter was badly judged but sometimes we all do these things without thinking them through properly

Smallhorse · 19/07/2018 00:59

I think if the sexes were reversed and a woman came on here saying she had received a dvd and a letter from the ex she chucked last month , most people here would advise her to do just what your ex did and block.

SoapOnARoap · 19/07/2018 01:01

It was a very weird thing to do. I’d have done exactly what he did.

MadMags · 19/07/2018 01:18

He was right.

What the hell were you doing, writing to him a month later listing all the things you decided he was wrong about?! I'd have blocked you, too.

And I guarantee if you'd posted that your ex had written you a letter like that everyone would be telling you how you had dodged a bullet, that he was controlling, probably would have been abusive etc. etc.

Cricrichan · 19/07/2018 01:34

The man ended things with you via text - That should tell you enough

Poppyinagreenfield · 19/07/2018 01:48

On the other hand you could send him another letter stating that your previous letter was not meant to be interpreted in any way intrusive and pointing out that you wrote it in good faith and were expecting your sentiments to be reciprocated as you had a good future together.

Tell him you’ve found some more of his stuff.

Block his reply.

You sound alright.

SoapOnARoap · 19/07/2018 02:00

Don’t whatever you do, send him any more letters. You’ll remain blocked, it’d be binned & he’d think you were a cock

melonscoffer · 19/07/2018 02:21

Do you want us to tell you you are right.
Just forget it all
You should have binned the disc. If he wanted it he'd let you know.
Just forget about it all.
You have your final answer from him.

You can't take no for an answer or respect his decision.

BedtimeTea · 19/07/2018 03:12

Two women I know sent similar letters (before internet), one sent a chocolate bouquet type of thing on Valentines Day, one sent a small wall decoration she made. Both were returned, without any note. They were both surprised, but got the message.

NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball · 19/07/2018 03:13

You’ve had some harsh replies OP.

Writing a letter like that is exactly the sort of thing that I’ve done in the past. You’re after closure but unfortunately you rarely get it, especially from the sort of bloke who dumps via text.

Your actions weren’t weird or stalkerish (as long as you leave things here). You just have a different emotional style from him, and the biggest thing it says is that you wouldn’t have been a good match in the long run. At least, that is how I’ve interpreted it when that sort of thing has happened to me.

So don’t give yourself a hard time. He acted like a knob and his actions hurt you. You have every right to feel upset, but there’s nothing you can really do except chalk it up to experience.

Some counselling could be a good idea so that you can reach your own closure, and maybe learn about your approach to relationships so that things go better next time xxx

Ddssdd · 19/07/2018 06:50

You’ve had some harsh replies OP.

Harsh, or just truthful?

Funicorn · 19/07/2018 07:10

OP I have to agree - there ARE some harsh replies on here . Obviously some people are so cool and together with life they just move on in the blink of an eye and they think THEIR way is THE RIGHT WAY . In addition they just love telling people that - FFS . Most people do something daft like this at some point in their lives . The guy is a dick - text , really ? Maybe an unwise move on your part but most of us humans have been there - hey move on ...you have dodged a bullet. Don't look back !

adaline · 19/07/2018 07:23

I think writing a letter and sending on a DVD after a month is a bit odd tbh. Of course you're allowed to feel hurt, but if an ex got back in touch with me after a month and told me I should have been given him another chance, I would probably block him too!

DownTownAbbey · 19/07/2018 07:26

I'm sorry but I was cringing reading your OP. You should have binned the DVD.

What reason would you have liked him to give you? How would it help to know he didn't like your laugh/friends/obsession with basket weaving?

NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball · 19/07/2018 07:45

What Funicorn said.

cakecakecheese · 19/07/2018 08:16

To be fair to you he ended the relationship by text, a politely (I'm assuming) worded letter is a lot calmer than a lot of people's responses would have been!

dirtybadger · 19/07/2018 08:30

I would have blocked in the same situation. I imagine you both want to move on. He might have got the impression you havent or wont. I wouldnt have bothered responding like him though. Too much drama. I think the letter was poor judgment but his response doesnt really make sense, sounds a bit paranoid. Onwards and upwards though.

sonjadog · 19/07/2018 08:39

I would have reacted the same as him, tbh. He didn’t want a gift and an outpouring of emotion from someone he dated a short while a month after he’d broken up. I would also be annoyed by the suggestion that my reasons for breaking up weren’t good enough.

AgentJohnson · 19/07/2018 09:11

What did you want to achieve by sending the letter? I get the desire to want to say your peace and now you have you should let it go, any more angst over someone who clearly doesn’t want anymore contact is just futile. He did the right thing by blocking you because hopefully it makes it very clear that he’s moved on, hopefully you will do the same.

Anonymoususer1938 · 19/07/2018 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bombardier25966 · 19/07/2018 09:44

It's the kind of thing I would have done when I was young and naive (sending the letter). Then I'd have cringed afterwards when I realised it was a little passive aggressive and I should have left well alone.

I don't see anything wrong in his reply. It's best for both of you to leave it now and move on.

DastardlyDoris · 19/07/2018 09:59

OP, being dumped by text is shit. The letter wasn't probably your best ever idea because it's given someone who had so little respect for you that he ended your relationship by text message the opportunity to hurt you again. It is hard to accept when someone sends you a text telling you it's over and gives you no reason. No they are not obliged to give you a reason or even have one above it not being what they want, but it's still hard to be on the receiving end of it. It's understandable to want to have your say even if it isn't very wise. I hope you can move on from this now. He isn't worth further time or energy.

Ddssdd · 19/07/2018 10:05

When a person gets dumped without a reason in that manner it is a head fuck so why wouldn’t they want some closure?

Okay, So I get being dumped by text is horrendous but why didn't the OP ask outright. Why wait a whole month?

In my opinion, it seemed a bit calculated and desperate.

And, yes, I've done plenty of silly things: namely putting an ad in the paper asking dumper to get in touch (pre-internet). I, too, must have sounded creepy but I'll own it

So, I may have sounded harsh, OP, but I do believe your actions came across as creepy. Especially the bit about how you two could have been good together. Yes, in your opinion but clearly not his

Johnnyfinland · 19/07/2018 10:15

So everyone on this thread would just accept it without question and move on if they got dumped, even if they didn’t feel the same?

I probably would have done what you did, OP. If you had feelings for him and thought it was worth reaching out to test the water I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I wouldn’t necessarily be creeped out if an ex did that to me either, it would depend on the person and the circumstances in which we broke up. I wouldn’t just automatically block them unless there were other behaviours that merited that! I would probably be touched by the gesture tbh.

Dumping by text is a twatty thing to do, I think the dumper always owes the dumpee a face to face explanation and honesty if it’s been more than a couple of months.

But equally he is entitled not to feel the same, no one should stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in just because the other person doesn’t want to break up. Just sounds like he went about the dumping in a pretty callous way

MadMags · 19/07/2018 10:45

So everyone on this thread would just accept it without question and move on if they got dumped, even if they didn’t feel the same?

I certainly wouldn't wait a month then send him some random DVD with a passive aggressive letter about what a mistake he'd made.

The text wasn't the best way to do it, but he is perfectly entitled to end a relationship whenever he wants, for whatever reason he wants. Again, reverse the genders and think about what advice you'd give to a woman in his situation.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread