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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

5 amazing dates and now red flags

40 replies

Carouselfish · 18/07/2018 11:45

Long one, sorry.
I know I have to dump him. Don't I?

Bloody OLD. Met lovely man, handsome, talks lot, sensible job aged 40, and the first few dates we've had have been 6-12 hours long talking and laughing and clicking like nobodies business. And kissing, very amazing. Thought I'd finally met the mythical (for me) man who it worked with physically and mentally. We were both so keen to see each other as soon as we left each other. He told his friends and colleagues who have tried to set him up the last four years that he'd met someone great etc
On the almost daily calls we'd have in-between he was a little different. A few misunderstandings, I'd be annoyed he'd say it was a joke, he'd misunderstand me and get all offended. He said he hated being misjudged, it made him angry. I used to have a temper too so this isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me.
Cut to night of finally sleeping together. We'd had a disagreement the night before over my good friendship with my dds dad and I was feeling a bit sensitive that we'd be calling it a day over this.
Went round and he was quite casual, lacking in interest to talk or kiss. Brushed off any attempts to talk. I asked tongue in cheek if he'd reassigned me to potential casual shag rather than romantic interest now? Wanting reassurance really. And understatement, he took it really badly. Said it was an attack on his character, he'd never do that and he couldn't possibly touch (or frankly look at me) for the rest of the night. It was like an Amish shun. Lay in bed together, his body clearly up for it but mentally he was just switched off!!
I drove home after some disappointing morning fumbles initiated by me and just thought, fuck this! I can't walk on eggshells waiting for him to sulk or shun me for a misunderstood innocent word. Can I?
And I got home to a totally normal, casual text from him and started to doubt my decision.
But, it's not me, is it?!

OP posts:
Cambshusband · 18/07/2018 11:48

Yeah, he’s a nut job. That’s not normal, literally couldn’t be less normal if he tried.

Doingreat · 18/07/2018 11:48

You're not suited to each other. There's no need for blame. Just let it go and move on.

GladAllOver · 18/07/2018 11:49

No. Good to know you realised it before you got too involved.

Orlandointhewilderness · 18/07/2018 11:50

Nope! it REALLY shouldn't be this hard so early in! He sounds like hard work.

Kittykat93 · 18/07/2018 11:50

Nah he's a nutter. Wish I'd realised my ex was like this earlier! You'll find someone else op.

HollowTalk · 18/07/2018 11:50

He's awful. Those phone calls should have rung loud alarm bells. Now he's really showing his true colours.

Don't make the mistake of falling for him crying and wailing and saying he's been an idiot and has been misunderstood etc.

Ohyesiam · 18/07/2018 11:55

Soon everything will be your fault. He has a big chip on his shoulder, and he’s going to make you pay.
This is very familiar to me, I’ve been through it.
He can’t face that he is less than perfect so everything will be a slight, and his anger is so close to the surface that it will pop up all the time.
Sorry op, you are with a lot more than this.

JackietheBackie · 18/07/2018 11:59

That's a whole lot of drama for 5 dates in. I'd knock it on the head.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 18/07/2018 12:00

You’d be right to dump him. He sounds a right misery.

ChateauneufDuTwat · 18/07/2018 12:01

More red flags than Karl Marx's stag do.

Finish it, pronto.

bethy15 · 18/07/2018 12:01

No, he's awful. Surprised you made it to bed with him considering he was giving you the silent treatment for no reason at all.

At least it's only early days though, no real commitments to each other. You wouldn't want that with this man, it would be quite dangerous.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/07/2018 12:03

It's not you OP.

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2018 12:04

You should have gone home when he “brushed off any attempt to talk”

Bollocks to that.

hornbeam · 18/07/2018 12:10

Yeah, he's a nut job

^ this

Carouselfish · 18/07/2018 12:21

Thanks all. Yeah, I do feel like there's maybe anger right there. Its not a behaviour type I've ever come across before. Cant understand how his last two relationships were long term and how all the women at his work and next door think he's amazing! Or how amazing it's been up to this crap. Tbh if I wasn't a mum I'd probably not have the strength to decide yet. I stayed the night because I was incredulous and tired.

OP posts:
Carouselfish · 18/07/2018 12:33

He wasn't giving me silent treatment per se just only talking about TV. I know it's only early days but it was so intense and right feeling, ha ha, it felt longer! Am gutted really, as haven't liked anyone for a few years.

OP posts:
TwoBoysTooMany76 · 18/07/2018 12:33

Carouselfish I don't post much but I think you are very brave to acknowledge the red flags and dump now. I stupidly got into a relationship fresh out of my breakup with an alcoholic (I don't drink much at all!) and I can look back now and think how stupid I was to let it continue. I should have dumped him at 6 months, instead it dragged on to an 18-month relationship and I still feel scarred by that experience though it was a good 3 years ago. It has made me very reluctant to date so good on you!

Slanetylor · 18/07/2018 12:36

If a man shows you what he’s like, believe him.

You don’t need this drama in you or your daughters life.

yetmorecrap · 18/07/2018 12:48

Very Good date, crap partner material. Plenty of guys out there like that , depends what you are looking for

MariePoppins1 · 18/07/2018 13:51

Woah back away from this one OP. If he's this bad Now, imagine what he would be like once the honeymoon period was over? Thank goodness you can escape.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/07/2018 13:59

Honestly, people who sulk are the absolute worst. Aren’t you supposed to grow out if that by age 5?

Cricrichan · 18/07/2018 14:01

Well done for realising so early on. There were a few warnings with mine that I dismissed

BunnyCarr · 18/07/2018 14:17

Don't be gutted. Be glad you ditched this loser.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/07/2018 14:25

But you say he had LTR previously and that ALL the women at work think he's amazing.
Yet in your OP you say He told his friends and colleagues who have tried to set him up the last four years
And.. they have been unsuccessful.
I wonder why that is?.... NOT!!!!
He's an absolute bell-end.
You haven't even shagged yet and he's messing with your head.
You know what to do.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2tired2iron · 18/07/2018 14:41

If you’re seeing these things as red flags already after only 5 dates suggests that you’re not entirely comfortable with his behavior.
Don’t doubt your feelings.
You have choices, continue to see him but be aware of how his behavior makes you feel... you should feel happy, excited and want to be around him rather than anxious and irritated.
Or, knock him on the head now.

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