I am desperate to get help but don't know how

[DontSmackThePony]

I am sorry if this is the wrong place to post. I read this board a lot and people on here say things that make me think someone might be able to advise me even though it's not about a relationship.

If I need to put it somewhere else, please tell me, I have been scouring the topics but can't figure out which would be best.

I don't know where to turn, I need to change myself but I have no idea how to go about it.

I am a pretty intelligent person, I run my own business and I am a mother. On the surface, it looks like I am doing fine, but underneath, is complete chaos and I feel paralysed. People think a lot of my faults are things I can change if I try, but I have been trying for as long as I can remember and it never works.

• I've somehow become reliant on speed. I take a small capsule full most days, I feel like it keeps me on track, but I am worried about the damage it is doing. Nobody knows about this.

• I know a lot of people struggle with organisation, but mine gets me into a lot of trouble. I try to improve it and I just can't. People don't believe that I can't. I honestly don't know how to change it. I lose everything, I waste hours of time looking for things, I forget so much. I find trying to coordinate my daughter's school-life the most stressful thing. Food shopping and organising meals completely overwhelms me. I am so stupid.

• I am late ALL the time. I embarrass myself,

• My life is a mess, my house, my car - everyone says that but people are disgusted by mine. I just find everything too hard to keep on top of. But nobody else does? I start it but get distracted and then kick myself.

• I can have a to do list as long as my arm but not know how to get started so waste hours doing nothing. I find it so hard to concentrate.

• But then sometimes I get into a zone on something, I become obsessed and work around the clock, completely unable to think of anything else. The rest of life is crashing down around me but I can't stop. And then when I've finished that project, I'm exhausted for days.

• I'm starting to feel more anxious in social settings. This feeling of failure is weighing me down and it's hard to ignore it when people are talking to me.

• I feel frightened about a few things and I need to sort them out but it's just fear. I'm late filing self assessment and I keep picking up speeding tickets which are going to the wrong address. I keep paying to fix my car and then having bumps because I just don't concentrate and I forget to tell myself to concentrate. How ridiculous does that sound?

I am failing my poor daughter. My lovely partner is so supportive but even he doesn't know the full extent of the shitstorm I cause.

I can't keep living like this, and I can't keep trying to sort it out but ending up in the same pathetic cycle. It's dawning on my that I can't change on my own and I need professional help.

Where do I start? What kind of a person do I look for?
Is CBT a good idea?

Please don't tell me to just grow up and snap out of it. People in RL have told me that. For some reason, it's not working by myself. I',m sorry, this must sound like the most pathetic self obsorbed post. Such first world problems. I'm 36. I know, right?
.

What came first, the speed or the other issues?

the issues. they've always been there, but the more responsibility that comes, the more ridiculous I get.

Might your GP be a good place to start? Do you think it's the speed causing the problems, or were you like this before you started that?

Cross post, GP then for you as a starting place.

How long have you been experiencing these issues? Have you always been like this? Or could it be connected to a trauma?
You need to stop the speed. It may be causing or exacerbating your problems.

You may need antidepressants or anti anxiety meds to calm you down so that you can tackle things. Get to the GP ASAP.

I know I shouldn't have got in this position with it. My younger sister gave me some a few years ago. I was late on a deadline and working through the night. It helped. I find it stops me procrastinating as much and actually gets me started. If I am going on something I am super focused on, it helps me go for longer.

How can I go to a GP? To say what? Doctor, I'm a dick?

I'm no expert but it sounds a lot like adhd. Maybe look into that? Good luck it sounds very difficult.

No, to explain that you are really struggling to cope with normal activities and are unhappy. Your behaviour is outside of ‘normal’ and you need help. I mean this kindly btw - lots of people get into a pickle. There’s no shame.

I was thinking ADHD or similar too.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it so much.

Haverill Always have really. I've always been the daft one that people laugh at, but as I've got older and life gets more serious, I've got better at covering up the chaos. Putting out a fire that I cause and making an excuse or keeping it secret.

It's been a tough few years, divorce, mum with cancer, but I don't think that's caused me to be any worse. Except for maybe my self esteem

I took an online test for ADHD a while ago and pretty much got full marks. But then I read about how the medical profession doesn't believe it's real anymore and it's a way to get drugs? And then, I am hooked on speed aren't I, so that would fit and they would have no reason to believe me.

I imagine it might be hard to go to the GP - and they seldom have the time or knowledge to help in these complex MH/addiction situations. If you search 'drug abuse advice' and your location you'll find specialist organisations who are likely to be better able to help. Some of them also have live chat online options; many run group sessions and often the staff are former clients so there's a real lived understanding of where you are at, and no judgement. Good luck.

The thing that jumps out at me is how hard you are on yourself. You’ve called yourself a dick, stupid, and pathetic and said that you kick yourself, and much more. I feel sad for you that you’re having such a war with yourself. I agree GP to see if there’s a diagnosable issue, but I think some kind of counselling or therapy might help too because you’re obviously finding it very hard to be kind to yourself, and, you know what, people who are being abused and shouted at tend not to do well, and it’s exactly the same if the abuse is self-abuse. I can see how you might have got into this spiral. A good therapist can help you out. You deserve to feel better about yourself and you deserve to have some support because you’re obviously struggling massively. Hugs and

Definitely sounds like adhd! Go to the doctors - meds really help and you shouldn't have to suffer like this

Not an expert but see what you can get to help with adhd. Find some help with the speed thing. Hire some help - cleaner and PA (can be a remote pa). Do you live with your OH? If so, make sure that he shares the load. If not, maybe look into getting an au pair? Focus on what you're good at and get help for what you're struggling with.

You're not a dick. You have undiagnosed mental health issues and have been self-medicating in a desperate struggle to keep going. It may be due to your positive quality - intelligence, resilience etc - that you've managed to mask it and look like you're coping (just!) for so long. It may be ADHD, it may be something else - whatever it is, it's definitely in need of professional intervention. See the GP first and get help on two fronts - for the drug addiction and for the lifelong underlying issues. You may end up paying to get specialist help/therapy but it'll be a much better use of money than the speed which could cause much worse problems longer term than the initial issue. Well done for deciding to address this. Now please do follow that through and don't dismiss this or your very real needs. I can't tell if you're minimising because of extreme self deprecation (of course the doctor won't think you're a dick!) or because of fear. It will be scary having to change but that's totally what you need right now. Good luck!

Thank you, you are all so kind.
I am worried if I mention the speed thing to my GP if anything will happen with my daughter.

Her dad would definitely try to take her away I think

I too found it unbearable how you talk about yourself - you treat yourself like a piece of shit. It's so hard to watch!

Surely these days GPs are much more up on ADHD. It's so obvious you have some kind of disorder - speed aside. You say you've tried your very best - what more can you do? You've been busting a gut. Give yourself a break.

And, please, be kind to your dear self

I think you may have high functioning autism. Your symptoms are all very common with an ASD diagnosis. ADHD is a co-morbid condition. I could be wrong but I'm aspie and have read a massive amount about it recently. It's definitely worth investigating x

I think I would have put this thread in Mental Health but it doesn’t really matter, you’ve already got some good advice here.

I think there are several different things going on here. One thing that jumps out at me is depression. You’ve been through some emotionally difficult experiences, you’re feeling unhappy, there is a lot of negative self-talk in your posts (and I guess in your head too), you feel overwhelmed and unmotivated, you have turned to drugs to help you try and cope.

I don’t know anything about ADHD but if you’ve looked into it and you think it fits, that sounds very likely.

I agree with PPs who suggest going to see your GP, if I were you I would tell them about the drug use and the suspected ADHD and depression. Hopefully they can point you in the right direction for support with all three.

CBT might be helpful to you and it is available on the NHS - you can self refer in many areas (Google IAPT in your area). There will be a waiting list and it’s definitely worth getting onto it but I think you should look into other support too. Could you afford to pay for private counselling/therapy?

I also think mindfulness could be helpful to you. Google MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) and MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction). There are good books on it and they’re also an app called Headspace.

How much have you discussed with your partner? How supportive is he?

I am really overwhelmed by the support - thank you so much.

I was toying with the idea of mental health, but then I didn't want to offend people with 'actual' mental health problems with my moan about myself. I read this board a lot, it helped me through my divorce and I comment under another name. A lot of people talk about ADD and AS and recently I've been thinking there may actually be something wrong with me. But I'm sort of afraid if I say it, people (mainly people in RL) will think I am just trying to make an excuse for the fact I'm not really functioning like an adult.

My partner is so supportive of me. I think he would really hurt if he found out about the speed and the extent of my driving issues etc. But I think he would always help me. He knows about my quirks and stuff.

It's only really my mum that I call myself names to. She tells me to stop. It's a hard habit though. Recently, I've been talking to school about my daughter. She is 6 and has been saying she is rubbish at things. I've realised she is learning negative self talk from me, so I am working very hard to make sure she never hears anymore and to make sure she knows she is wonderful. Through her, I can see if you don't think you can do something, you don't even try

I also thought ADHD reading your post, and it's distressing to hear you sound so down on yourself.

Do you feel you're physically addicted to the speed or is it more of an emotional reliance to cope with day to day life?

OP, see your GP - or a doctor at the practice.

I felt similar to you when I was heading toward the end of a relationship, for months I couldn't focus. Everything was so on top of me, I even zoned out in a supermarket and just had to leave because I couldn't cope.

My GP was wonderful. He saw me, talked through everything with me, and called me regularly. My opening gambit was "I think I've lost the plot". I was referred for counselling (telephone CBT initially but face to face following a review) and I've gone from there. I feel much better and more with it now.

Hugs for you x

I'm not sure, I think not physically addicted because of the amount. Also, I stopped taking it for a month or so earlier on in the year as I was worried about what I was doing. I had tiredness for a couple of days but that was it.

I started taking it again because I was starting to get a lot of work coming in, I had another 'right, let's sort your life out' episode. Cleaned the house, car, bought a shit load of planners and organisers. And some speed.

I don't know if it is an emotional thing or a physical reaction, but I genuinely feel more able to pick one job off the list.

I work in a creative field and I actually enjoy when I get periods of complete focus. The speed helps that too but actually, I can do that without it