I am sorry if this is the wrong place to post. I read this board a lot and people on here say things that make me think someone might be able to advise me even though it's not about a relationship.
If I need to put it somewhere else, please tell me, I have been scouring the topics but can't figure out which would be best.
I don't know where to turn, I need to change myself but I have no idea how to go about it.
I am a pretty intelligent person, I run my own business and I am a mother. On the surface, it looks like I am doing fine, but underneath, is complete chaos and I feel paralysed. People think a lot of my faults are things I can change if I try, but I have been trying for as long as I can remember and it never works.
- I've somehow become reliant on speed. I take a small capsule full most days, I feel like it keeps me on track, but I am worried about the damage it is doing. Nobody knows about this.
- I know a lot of people struggle with organisation, but mine gets me into a lot of trouble. I try to improve it and I just can't. People don't believe that I can't. I honestly don't know how to change it. I lose everything, I waste hours of time looking for things, I forget so much. I find trying to coordinate my daughter's school-life the most stressful thing. Food shopping and organising meals completely overwhelms me. I am so stupid.
- I am late ALL the time. I embarrass myself,
- My life is a mess, my house, my car - everyone says that but people are disgusted by mine. I just find everything too hard to keep on top of. But nobody else does? I start it but get distracted and then kick myself.
- I can have a to do list as long as my arm but not know how to get started so waste hours doing nothing. I find it so hard to concentrate.
- But then sometimes I get into a zone on something, I become obsessed and work around the clock, completely unable to think of anything else. The rest of life is crashing down around me but I can't stop. And then when I've finished that project, I'm exhausted for days.
- I'm starting to feel more anxious in social settings. This feeling of failure is weighing me down and it's hard to ignore it when people are talking to me.
- I feel frightened about a few things and I need to sort them out but it's just fear. I'm late filing self assessment and I keep picking up speeding tickets which are going to the wrong address. I keep paying to fix my car and then having bumps because I just don't concentrate and I forget to tell myself to concentrate. How ridiculous does that sound?
I am failing my poor daughter. My lovely partner is so supportive but even he doesn't know the full extent of the shitstorm I cause.
I can't keep living like this, and I can't keep trying to sort it out but ending up in the same pathetic cycle. It's dawning on my that I can't change on my own and I need professional help.
Where do I start? What kind of a person do I look for?
Is CBT a good idea?
Please don't tell me to just grow up and snap out of it. People in RL have told me that. For some reason, it's not working by myself. I',m sorry, this must sound like the most pathetic self obsorbed post. Such first world problems. I'm 36. I know, right?
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