Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Thoughts on large age gaps 18 and 40

29 replies

CornishGoblin · 18/07/2018 09:53

Sister 18 with a 40 year old, seems to have been some big secret relationship for a while at work. I feel uncomfortable, why does a 40 year old want to go out with a young acting 18 year old?

OP posts:

margotsdevil · 18/07/2018 09:58

I would normally say live and let live; I've been in a relationship with a bigger gap. The big difference is I was 30 and owned my own home, had a good job and was generally a "proper grown up". And we didn't eventually split because of the age gap but because he was a cheat - which I suspect could happen with any age gap. There's a big difference between 18 and 40 and say 30 and 52...

So I think you're right to question it I'm afraid. I'm not 40 yet but teach 17/18 year olds and I feel like I'm on a different planet sometimes!

WasFatNowThin · 18/07/2018 09:59

When I was 17 I got together with a 40 year old, didn't last long but I just got back with him for a quick fling 24 years later!
I married somebody 20 years my senior, it lasted 10 years but ended in divorce.

eyycarumba · 18/07/2018 10:01

Big secret relationship for a while? since before she was 18? There are obviously exceptions, but I would find it very creepy especially if she's immature. Is he paying for her a lot? I remember a friend at 18 who always went for 30+ men and they would shower her materialistically so she would stick around

NotTheFordType · 18/07/2018 10:02

Presumably he's married?

Lots of reasons:
Ego boost of a younger woman being interested in him - "I've still got it" etc
Likes to patronise "mentor" young women as their lack of experience makes him feel like a wise man
He's crap in bed so by sleeping with less experienced women he's less likely to get called out on it
Enjoys having a new audience for all the boring old stories his wife got fed up with years ago

PsychoPumpkin · 18/07/2018 10:03

I can’t see what they’d have in common and i’d Have similar concerns if it were my sister

Elliebobbins · 18/07/2018 10:04

My friend at 16 got together with a man in his late 30s. There were other issues in the relationship besides the age difference. He took drugs and eventually hit her at the end of the relationship. Whilst I am glad that I did warn her, I think the fact that I kept on going on about it and others did too just drove her closer to him and further from her everyone else.

It does always make me think there is some power thing going on when there is such a big she gap but my advice is to express your concerns to her and then respect her choice and just try to support her. That way you know that you did your best to warn her but you are still there to support her should anything go wrong.

Sarahjconnor · 18/07/2018 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 18/07/2018 10:12

I would question this as she's so young. When I see this all I think is he's bought her in some way - older man impressing young girl with money, gifts, trips away etc. All calculated to be very glamorous and sophisticated seeming to a young woman.

There are loads of older men out there prowling to snap up younger women and steal their youth. An ego boost + sex with a young women is a strong pull.

I hope you can advise your sister and that she listens to you

Cambshusband · 18/07/2018 10:15

Well, going the other way, when I was 19 I was with a 42 year old lass for about four months. We both knew it was just fun and games and would never be serious.

We had various differences as you’d expect, mostly friend and family related, but mostly it was about ego, confidence and sex. At 19 I thought I knew how to have sex, Jesus was I wrong. If you could get a PhD in sex she definitely had one and I defiantly came out of that time zone with a host of skills I didn’t have on the way in.

I wouldn’t say it harmed me at all, but it was just entertainment, and certainly there was never a lasting intent there for it to be a full on relationship.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 18/07/2018 10:15

This relationship can only go one of two ways. It will fail, or it will succeed.
If it fails, be there as a shoulder to cry on for your sister and let out a silent sigh of relief that the relationship ended.
If it succeeds, all well and good to them, be there to celebrate their marriage and hopefully their 25th wedding anniversary and let out a silent sigh of relief that it ended well.
If your sister is as immature as you say she is, I’ve no doubt the 40yo will bore of her soon anyway.

Original poster

CornishGoblin · 18/07/2018 10:16

Just something seems dodgy, they posted pictures last night on facebook about it 'going on a while' then there was a message about a fiance that was deleted.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 18/07/2018 10:19

I'm being a jerk but I cant help but think dirty old man.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 18/07/2018 10:26

Don't all 18 year olds have unsuitable relationships? I certainly did and I got engaged to two of them.
Disapproving will make her more determined to carry on with the relationship and she will stop telling you anything about it. Welcome him, be friendly to him and that way you will be able to keep an eye out for signs that she needs help.
If by some chance they turn out to be made for each other then you won't have ruined your relationship with your sister for nothing and if it all ends horribly then you will be in a position to support her.

Original poster

CornishGoblin · 18/07/2018 10:27

I feel like 20 years older and possibly attached to someone else is more than unsuitable though?

OP posts:

Storm4star · 18/07/2018 10:55

A 22 year age gap is big. I think at any stage but especially when one of them is 18. I think the novelty will wear off for her, if not for him, quite quickly and it will just burn itself out. Understandably hard to see when you're her sister and concerned about her but all you can do really is be there for her.

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 11:07

I would find it creepy, I'm 39 with an 18 year old daughter myself so it just seems weird.

Honflyr · 18/07/2018 11:10

I knew someone who started dating an almost 60 year old when they were 19. Now they are engaged and have a baby. They really seem to be totally commited and in love. Common interest is jazz music and fantasy, among others that I'm less aware of. Met through friends of friends of friends, at some music gathering.

Cherrygardenst · 18/07/2018 11:11

I had a 26 year old boyfriend when I was 17. I think I'd have gone up to 30 but no older! Not for me

Notquiteagandt · 18/07/2018 13:04

Does she have self esteme issues? This would be my main concern tbh.

Whilst I have always gone for older guys. In hindsight looking back I know this certainly played a part in some of my more questionable choices.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/07/2018 14:29

why does a 40 year old want to go out with a young acting 18 year old?
Because he's lechy a perv!?
I know I shouldn't think like that.
They are both adults, blah blah blah......
But, for me, it's totally icky!!

kidsneedfathers · 18/07/2018 14:30

David Willamd -from.Little Britain- married a young 18 years old when he was around 40...they got a baby together and when they divorced he claimed she was "immature " ...to laugh or to cry? ...Emmanuel Macron -the current French president- was not yet 16 when he started his romance with Brigitte the mother of his classmate -who was at the time close to her 40s, a teacher at his school and married with 3 kids. They are now married - happily married....
I personally know a happily married couple with 30 years gap age...
So it is difficult to say anything without knowing the personalities of the people involved....compatibility is an important factor in the success of any relationship-and i think it is the most important one when there is a big gap age...
So like all wise women advised before :
Tell her your concerns (maturity) but accept the relationship and keep an eye open...very nice of you to worry and protect your little sister...

SandyY2K · 18/07/2018 14:51

I have an 18 yo and would not be impressed to hear that she was with a 40 yo man. That's not far off her dad's age.

A 40 yo going after an 18 yo is creepy to me. He'd have way more life experience and the ability to manipulate easily.

Horsesforcourses23 · 18/07/2018 15:18

When I was 19 I went out with a 38 year old. I was very mature for my age though, and we lasted about 2 years. Ultimately we wanted separate things, but we actually got on amazingly well and I still think a lot of him. I think I was attracted to him because he was "grown up". We also had a lot in common with each other and liked the same things, same sense of humour etc ... I would be concerned if your sisters partner is controlling in anyway?

Horsesforcourses23 · 18/07/2018 15:19

Oh also just remembered when I was 22 I went out with a 42 year old... I ended that rapidly as that was definitely a case of controlling / jealous behaviour. He also just liked the thought of having a "young" girlfriend I think. So yeah the two relationships were really pole's apart...

SoapOnARoap · 18/07/2018 17:57

why does a 40 year old want to go out with a young acting 18 year old

I think the question should be the other way around.

Flip

1 2