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Original poster

Whiny lazy husband

30 replies

Peonylass · 17/07/2018 22:21

I have been with my 2nd husband for 16 years. His idea of fun involves long 3 hour baths, napping, lie ins and tv/internet marathons.

He has no sense of humour, he's untidy, he eats all the time, noisily, and he whines, he actually whines at the kids and at me, like a tired 4 year old.

He also doesn't do bills or plans so I have to do everything. I work longer hours than he does and have been the main earner for years. He had depression and downsized his job after being out of work for quite a while.

The kids are both autistic (they are adopted after my sister died, so no relation to my DH

We tried date night but I had to do everything, book the restaurant, sort babysitter, pay the bill and it just seemed to be the same old same old

We are staying together for the kids and I can't afford a divorce. Only another 10 years to go. Can I survive?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 17/07/2018 22:26

Survive with your sanity and sense of self? Unlikely.

So the only thing he is contributing to the household is money? (and less than you) Is he contributing any childcare, school pick ups etc?

madcatladyforever · 17/07/2018 22:26

10 years before what - you murder him? Do it now and shut him up!!!

Doingreat · 17/07/2018 22:44

How can you bear to go on date nights? Do you actually still fancy him? Because he sounds utterly gross.

Even if you can't divorce just yet can you try to build a life away from him? Hobbies... friends etc. You could even date other people. Yes i know it sounds shocking but come on this marriage is dead.

Would you like to date others? Would he? It's worth having a conversation about. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness

Original poster
Peonylass · 17/07/2018 22:51

I have an au pair who deals with school pick ups etc. I do drop offs with her as it tends to be a 2 person job getting them up in the mornings.

He will do things here and there. He cooked when he was off work but now he's back working he's poor me too tired. He will do his own ironing ( but leaves piles of rumpled shirts everywhere) He will also be the doting Dad and do school fete, scout camp etc as long as it's all organised for him and I cover any costs.

Because he dislikes getting out of the house under his own steam and hates conversation when he's tired ( and I would like to chat), I have had the perfect excuse to try new hobbies and go out on my own , but he does struggle with the kids so there's a trade off there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 17/07/2018 22:58

Do I actually still fancy him? I did for a long time but he's not interested and doesn't want me touching him. I tried all sorts, but Ultimately he's too tired and doesn't fancy me.

He may genuinely have something wrong with him but isn't really interested in going to the gp

The lying down all day also isn't anything new, it's just worse because. as the kids get older and their asd behaviours come out more, he is unable to step up to the plate

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 17/07/2018 23:03

Good god, woman! Leave and life your life on your terms. It's too, too short to waste on something like this.

HollowTalk · 17/07/2018 23:09

OK think about what you'd do if he left you. What would your life be like? Would you get any financial benefits to help you look after the children? He sounds like a drain on the whole household - now's the time to think of a life without him.

Bananalanacake · 17/07/2018 23:12

I hope you have another bathroom in the house. Re the 3hr baths

myusernameisnotmyusername · 17/07/2018 23:19

Is it only me who thinks he sounds very depressed.

LizzieSiddal · 18/07/2018 06:58

Yes he does sound very depressed but it may well be his personality. However unless he’s willing to go and get help, nothing will change. The OP shouldn’t have to put up with this.
My sister has a very similar H. He has always been a moaner, lazy and one of those people who sucks the joy out of everything. I’m sure he has underlying depression issues but he will not go and seek help. They’ve been together 25 years and have just separated. (She found out he did have the energy to be texting other women up to 60 times a day. Hmm) and she is so much happier.

ConfusedWife1234 · 18/07/2018 13:46

How did your dh act when you just met him? Was he always like that?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2018 13:49

Surely if you can afford an au pair you can afford a divorce? I'm not saying that to be snarky but just think Jesus Christ he sounds awful!!!! Get this poor woman away from him! Flowers

cpayne351 · 18/07/2018 14:19

Leave him, it is not your job to be someones crutch in life. He is miserable you are miserable, he doesn't sound like he would be too missed by the kids? Its cheesy but you only get 1 life and you should not spend it like this! Perhaps sit down and give him an ultimatum and have all your ducks in a row (things like who leaves and where do they live and how much money will he or the government give you to support you as a single parent family) ready for this chat.

pennycarbonara · 18/07/2018 14:25

Surely if you can afford an au pair you can afford a divorce?

A divorce wouldn't mean she didn't need the au pair! And au pairs are already a significantly cheaper option than nannies for in-home childcare, which she evidently needs.

averythinline · 18/07/2018 14:38

why are organising stuff for him/cooking for him.. anything really ....why is it easier for the kids to see this lack of love, care and interest in them?
what would happen if you did go out..... would they be safe? if so then just go out... it is very easy to become a martyr when your h is crap
one of my bf is like this and it has taken years for he rto see her inability to leave their ASD dc with the crap h has meant he hasnt had to step up .....she now does .. not a lot but is slowly getting herself back too
if your au pair can manage them why cant he?

Why 10 years? are the DC going to self sufficient then- they will still have Autism.... did he not want to adopt them and is punishing you?

either way your life would probably be better without him there dragging you down unless he;s going to contribute to the family

Wolfiefan · 18/07/2018 14:45

How is staying with him making the lives of your kids better? He struggles with the kids and whines at them.

Original poster
Peonylass · 18/07/2018 23:26

An au pair to look after both kids costs less than after school club for one of them.

He contributes just enough to help keep things ticking over, but conversely he has run up big cc bills which I pay.

I can't afford to buy him out the house and his lack of motivation means I do get free babysitting if I go out , even if there are usually some arguments to diffuse when I return.

He wasn't as bad when we met. Certainly not as grumpy but the seeds were there.

He can be very chirpy and chatty in company so I don't think people realise what he's like when he's at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 18/07/2018 23:27

In 10 years my

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 18/07/2018 23:31

In10 years my youngest will be 21.

They are both high functioning and I absolutely will have got them working in something that suits them - prob maths or design related for the eldest and animals for my youngest, unless they show an even greater interest in something else. I see it as a main aim to allow the kids to develop into functioning adults.

H wanted to adopt whereas I was wary because I wasn't sure how I'd cope. However they were my sister' skids and I couldn't have not taken them when she died.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peonylass · 21/07/2018 18:07

Just dropped the au pair off at the airport. She's gone home, starting a new job on Monday. The search for the next one has started.

When we first built the new downstairs bedroom H would spend a lot of time in there napping.

As soon as we were home from the airport, H disappeared. Yes, he's in her bed. He looks like he'll be there for the rest of the evening.

I don't think it's the slightest bit sexual but it's just ... urgh.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 21/07/2018 19:21

You sound so resigned to your life OP. You sound ground down and defeated.

It doesn't have to be this way. You deserve love and romance and support from a kind partner who will be your equal. At the very least you deserve a life that is free of him. He is a drain on you and your finances wrt to the cc debt.

Is it possible to see a life coach who can maybe go through options to see how divorce might be made possible? There must be life coaches who help people navigate difficult life decisions. Even if you go for one session it might help you see options you hadn't considered otherwise.

Can you imagine feeling excited about life again? Not this daily grind?

Hugs xx

Original poster
Peonylass · 23/07/2018 22:49

I have seen a life coach lol. Got new qualifications, a promotion, lost a little weight

We have had couples counselling which basically wound up with a load of rules for me. Leave him alone when he's relaxing being the long and short of it. Don't converse and apparently no hovering either.

I then had counselling for myself after I developed a crush on someone. I got over the crush (it was stupid illogical and totally not reciprocated) and basically the counsellor was steering me to the idea that we ought to stay together.

However the whininess is just so oppressive. The man's favourite word is don't.

OP posts:
annandale · 23/07/2018 22:55

So when you went to the counselling, it sounds as if something might have sounded like it was worth saving. Has anything changed since then? Or is it that nothing has changed, that he was told 'carry on' and you were told 'here's your list of jobs'? Is that his perspective as well?

TBH I would just get on with life, as much as you can. Find people to chat to, on the phone if you have to. Do a broken record about going to the GP, because his health doesn't sound normal. I would say bide your time for a bit. If there was something there when you had counselling, maybe it might reappear?

bastardkitty · 23/07/2018 22:57

Then the counsellor was an asshole because this is not a marriage you should stay in.

KeiTeNgeNge · 24/07/2018 00:10

Separate your lives so that you can leave when your youngest does. He sounds grim.

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