Stopping childs contact with toxic father

[Offtopic]

I am going to try and keep this brief. I am currently going through child access problems with an abusive ex.

Its for the stupid reason that I wouldn’t give up my share of weekends for him to see her - we both have one weekend every fortnight, but he wants all the weekends, because he's got a job and he thinks I should just have her weeknights.

I've got a job too. I've had one for years and I don't want to give up my precious full days with her so I said no, one weekend each a fortnight and he can have overnight access once a week. He said I was stopping contact. Obviously I wasn't, he was still seeing her, he just didn't want to see her on weeknights.

I got mouthfuls of abuse, texts, emails, to my face - I was stopping him seeing his little girl, I was emotionally abusing her etc. I'm used to it, he can be horrific when he gets into a rage and I can usually ignore it because I don't care about him or what he thinks.

Until the day when he dropped her off (from a weekend with him) and knelt down and said to her 'You will have to ask mummy why she is child abusing you and stopping you see daddy'. Then after he said it twice more to her (and me) on a video call later that week and after a load more vicious abusive texts and a sleepless night thinking about it, I decided that actually, I would stop contact because I don't want my little girl to hear that filth about me from her dad.

Our little girl is 4. She is the loveliest funniest little sweetheart. I should add that she loves daddy, and always has fun with him and his constant stream of girlfriends (eye roll) but as long as she is treated well, its all been OK with me. Well this is NOT alright. I am surprised how much hate I can take towards myself but the second she is involved, that's enough.

I did it fairly - I organised mediation for us, I saw a solicitor, I drew up a parenting plan. I knew the repercussions would be bad from him and I was right. He will not sign anything, he will not be told what to do, I am scum, he will not attend mediation, how dare I think he will attend court. In short, he will do nothing but send me abuse. And its getting worse. And we are at a stalemate because if he won't sign anything or join in or discuss any of it, then what can I do but continue to withhold contact? He is dealing with this by being MORE abusive which doesn't endear me to contact with him, as he seems unable to control his impulses, his rage or his mouth.

I blocked him on my phone, he sent me whatsapps, I blocked him there he sent me emails. He is still sending me emails. He says that I am a child abuser. He compares me to my granddad (who died when I was little, but who apparently abused a member of my family), he says that I am a paedophile child abuser and that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've been called a child snatcher, a jealous rat, a vile wretch, a disgusting cunt, a shameful whore. You name it, I've been called it. I've got the police coming round again later as the tone has started to get a bit threatening - he is going to visit me, he is going to visit my family.

I am struggling though, with my little girl. She misses him. She doesn't see this side to him. At least I hope not, I don't think so. I do not know the best thing to say to her about the lack of contact, I do not want her thinking she’s done something wrong and I don’t want to badmouth him to her the way he has been doing to me.

It needs to be understandable for a 4 year old. I have absolutely no idea how to approach it or where to find someone who could help me. I did tell her he was on holiday but as he’d already told her via a video call that I was stopping her seeing him ('mummy won't let you see daddy anymore', so no more video calls either), she doesn’t believe me. I don’t want to lie to her either. He says that one day she will find out that I severed contact between them and that she will hate me, as he hates me.

If anyone can help, I would really appreciate it. I am struggling with the weight of this. I can't eat or sleep. And every day, her sad little face telling me she misses him. Sometimes the sad face is slightly dramatic. :) But I know she does miss him. I think I'm doing the right thing in my heart. But am I?

not so brief after all. Sorry. x

This sounds very similar to my situation except i have 2 children of very similar ages. What did your solicitor say? Because in the eyes of the law you are equal parents and its very hard to stop contact unless there are defernet safeguarding concerns. My stbxh has said some dreadful things to the children about me, police involvement, him trying to re enter the house, had to block him on whats app and on my phone , hes also been threatened with a restrainer order twice.
If your dont believe he treats her badly except in front of you then arrange contact where you are not involved. The courts dont really appear to consider how the father treats the mother in their decision to allow the father to see their child (From my experience) Is she at school or pre school? he could possible collect from there?

My solicitor said send an email proposing a parenting plan, which includes an agreement not to badmouth me / each other to her or to me. Or arrange mediation. He says whilst the abuse continues and he hasn’t signed, stop contact but make sure it’s offered via above, which I did.

He told me to stick it up my arse and compared me to a child rapist! He won’t even go to court. He won’t do anything but email me.

I had a similar situation with my ex and my two kids. Do NOT give in now that you have made a stand. My big issue was that I never had breakfast with my kids because of work, and if I gave up my weekends, then I never would. Silly, maybe, but important to them and me. I fought him. Hard. He pushed me as hard as he could but I was right to make a stand. You need to stick to your guns. I'm 5 years down the line and things are much improved but still horrible. But your kids know that you're a committed and loving mum in the end, although it may be a bumpy road. Good luck OP

Oh well done. I know, that’s what I think. I can’t give in now, when i’ve Finally made a stand and the abuse is worse than ever.

I honestly thought he’d be happy to go to mediation, get our days / holiday splits written down and set out. More fool me!

O i see, thats good. Hes been given options but is basically being a dick!
My stbxh was the same but kind of opposite, he would insist he did what he wanted regarding contact, eg seeing them some days and not other days, refusing to collect them and return them as per the court order, its frankly a bloody nightmare!
I think some men carnt handle not having the control once a relationship ends, maybe send him a blank parenting plan and ask him to fill it out, maybe just maybe you could meet in the middle??? be prepared for a long and difficult ride!
But like the other poster said dont give in, now you have made a stand it will be really detrimental to your position to give in! he will think he can win by behaving so so bad!!
Always remain focused on whats in the best interest of your child, as you are. I have gone "grey rock" with my stbxh (look it up it may help). He continues to either be vial or playing mind games, but i just ignore it i only only every respond regarding the children.
Keep all correspondence and start making a diary listing his behaviour, this may well help if you have to go to court, it helped me no end.

please screen shot his texts/whats apps and talk to womans aid - i would think you should be able to get a non molestation order ...you do not need to take his abuse....

Also be careful he appears the type that would contact ss and make a complaint about you! Contact your health visitor and discuss things with her, get as many professionals involved as possible then you will be seen as being transparent and if he does make an aligation you have already covered all bases. If she goes to nursery have a meeting with the nursery staff. I have been very transparent with the nursery, school, health visitor i am confident that if an aligation was made against me that these professionals that know my children and me would have not cause for concern.
Also get yourself a dicta phone, record phone calls and any face to fact contact that you may have. You really need to start being a detective. My stbxh has taken me to court 5 times in the last year regarding child contact, he is a habitual lier and tells his solicitor a pack of lies, i have it all evidenced in texts and emails. I screen shot them and emailed them all to my solicitors. Try and get an agreement that is sustainable and workable for when she starts school, you could cut down the contact between you if he collects from school, this has been my saving grace!

Well the mediation people emailed him to remind him to book an appointment and this was his reply (because he copied me in, natch)

Do not contact me again I am already being harassed daily by XX after she has already stopped contact that has been regular my daughters whole life
This action is ABUSE my little girl loves me and her extended family she has seen every fortnight for her whole life now she hasn't seen any of us for over a month I will have no part in assisting in the abuse of my child or the corrupt system surrounding family law or the damage that it causes children on a daily basis if XX wants to continue abusing OUR child emotionally by severing her relationship with me and her extended family and friends then on her head be it

I mean, seriously? I don't contact him, he contacts me (multiple emails a day telling me what a c* I am. I'm not hurting our daughter by asking him not to tell her I'm abusing her. And its clear isn't it, he's not going to partake in anything, not even mediation or to sign a parenting plan. I can't really do anything else can I? He definitely has some kind of narcissistic disorder and it says a lot that he would rather not join in any kind of discussion rather than see her. I am so broken for her. And I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but I have lived the last 4 years of my life trying to avoid his daily wrath, anger and rage and I just can't cope with it anymore.

What a truly dreadful human being. I stopped contact between my ex and his DS many years ago now. Similar although not as toxic as yours. My ex rage and anger was always directed at me, even at pick up he would have to create a scene or make out I was difficult in some way. This was a man who wouldn’t take his DS on a Friday as ‘why should I be able to go out’. Had to give him money if he was picking his DS from nursery as he didn’t have enough and if I didn’t give him any I couldn’t do my shift at work. He lost the plot when I met someone else, called me over 30x in a hour, screaming about my new partner being a rapist, turned up at my door and tried to break in and police were called. Even after that I still tried to get him to maintain contact with his DS but after yet another attempt it was clear his primary focus was to get at me so I stopped contact. He went to court and got NC and no PR. The situation was abusive and affecting my DS. Your OH will be doing the same to your DD and if he was already saying to a 4 yr old that your the abuser I wouldn’t trust him. Your ex is unhinged and I would take that email and all the other texts and messages and speak to a police officer as there is a threat in there.

I'm really sorry to hear that Morag. Can I ask how you told your DS? How was he with it all?

Keep copies of everything. Go back and see another solicitor. He was unreasonable demanding every weekend.

Look at parental alienation. Your solicitor should be able to take it to court to have contact stopped. Parental alienation is illegal now. Mediation won’t work as he is abusive. Straight to court. Go see a different solicitor who knows about custody and alienation

He is exactly the same as my stbxh except mine is obsessed with seeing them , but will drop them as soon as he has something better to so!
Every thing I know my x is ? He says i am. It's a projection and typical of people of this character.
Iv yet to have a new partner but I do worry that he will get worse esp if they moved in and the new partner was living with myself and the children.
You have to ignore what he says about you? He will use the things that he knows hurts you to get to you.
Has your solicitor warned him about his behaviour? As you could get a restraining order put on him this would prevent him texting? Calling etc.
It's so so hard as in a way I would like contact to stop as he's so abusive and I know he's playing with my children's heads but not seeing their father is also difficult for them. I know he doesn't put them first

I agree with pp I think u need to go for a non molestation order. It is extremely toxic for your child the way he is behaving he needs to be stopped, offer contact in a mediation centre, only communicate via a solicitor so its all above board.
Dont put up with his abuse, You are entitled to eow with your child.
I would also look at decent solicitors they really do vary alot. I am surprised your solicitor hasnt offered a non molestation order already, A decent solicitor would look for ways of helping you like this.

My ex isn't quite this bad but was pushing for every weekend and kept threatening to keep my kids if I didn't comply (despite him not being able to do school runs etc). Eventually I took him to court. Cafcass told me categorically they would never back every weekend. I offered him every other weekend,half the holidays and a weekday. He went into court wanting all weekends and all holidays saying he couldn't do weekdays. He came away with every other weekday and half the holidays. They are also now resident with me so his threats don't work. Take him to court

OP keep it simple. You can’t see daddy at the moment as we need to work out some things. When it went through court it was a talk about the judge saying he couldn’t see daddy and I would send daddy pictures. I kept an open discussion about his dad and left it up to him to make a choice whether to see him when he was older. My DS knows for a court to say NC things weren’t good and I didn’t need to go into details as that would be wrong. Your OH has become threatening and to be honest that takes away any opportunity for discussion. You speak with the police as he shouldn’t be contacting you at all and they will likely place you on there risk register and arrange to visit your ex.

Every other weekend even

He sounds unhinged and deluded. Its sort of good that he is being so outspoken about it because any onlooker can see what he is like. Lots of men manage to hide it well. I cant give any advice really besides just being organised about keeping all the evidence of his threats, etc.

Well the police came over earlier (yet more emails overnight and threats to 'visit' my family), took the emails away and are visiting him tomorrow morning re harassment, i.e. warning him.

In the meanwhile they are asking the national domestic violence people to contact me re non molestation order. They said there is enough there, in writing, to take arrest him and have him taken to court. I'm not sure about that bit yet - if he just stops with this I'd be fine. It was comforting to speak to the police about it, they were very kind, they can see I'm trying to make contact possible and they agreed, don't let him see her until he can be civil or take part in some kind of mediation. It made me feel better that they said I'm not crazy (because honestly, this has been going on for so long that I am ashamed to say I don't know what is normal or not anymore), he is breaking the law, with both the volume and content of the messages I am receiving.

They will also suggest that from now on he doesn't contact me at all or my family and that only his mum or a 3rd party can speak to me about my girl.

I've decided to contact our local centre for abuse, as they have a family person there and maybe they can help me decide what to say re her dad. I just want her to know that none of this is her doing. :(

You really need to find yourself a decent solictor op so they can help you.
My solictor was amazing I went in there a mess she looked at me and wa so kind she knew what needed to be done and literally said ok so we need a non molestation order and a residence order, I came out feeling so much better.
I didnt have to speak in the court they spoke for me you shouldnt have to.
You should really get it in place, you have to take some control back as he is getting completely out of hand.

Offtopic sadly this situation can become your norm and when it does you almost accept. Having the police involved and them getting the national domestic violence unit involved means it is serious. Don't minimise his behaviour and his threatening behaviour. I would go with the non molestation and get this nightmare out of your life. His primary focus is you and only you. Your DD will be fine with mummy and I am not sure any court would give him contact given his extreme behaviour and threats.

Offtopic you are 100% correct i didnt recognise it either, its my solicitor who told me that its domestic abuse and i work in that profession!! I didnt get the none molestation order out in the end as i just couldn't get my hear around it, looking on i wish i had now.

Try to look in on the situation as if it was a neighbour or a friend, what would you be telling them? forget the times hes nice (this is part of the cycle) you have to make a stand for your self and your child.

I just can’t reconcike what he’s being like now, with how he is when he is with her. He’s always been so good with her, I don’t get it. I feel terribly terribly guilty, i’m drowning in it. Why did he have to start saying that? He’s ruined everything.

When my parents separated my Dad was so angry at my Mum. He couldn’t call her names to her face so would say awful things about her to me, and would get angry at her and shout at me. We ended up being virtually NC for five years, then we resumed contact under the condition that he didn’t mention my Mum. By then I was old enough to just walk out if he acted up. I only had to leave a few times before he got the message that he had to behave if he wanted contact. But I had to enforce his good behaviour myself.

OP it sounds like your ex is doing similar, abusing you to your DD because he can’t get at you directly. It’s sad that she misses him but better in the long run as it is damaging and upsetting for a child to hear constant abuse about their parent.

Oh damson i’m so sorry to hear that. :(

I don’t think he’s been like that with her, not up until now.

The police have obviously visited him as he’s sent me an email telling me that ‘So now you’ve put the police af my door? anyone would think you are still in love with me’.

He’s fucking deranged