Stopping childs contact with toxic father

[Offtopic]

I am going to try and keep this brief. I am currently going through child access problems with an abusive ex.

Its for the stupid reason that I wouldn’t give up my share of weekends for him to see her - we both have one weekend every fortnight, but he wants all the weekends, because he's got a job and he thinks I should just have her weeknights.

I've got a job too. I've had one for years and I don't want to give up my precious full days with her so I said no, one weekend each a fortnight and he can have overnight access once a week. He said I was stopping contact. Obviously I wasn't, he was still seeing her, he just didn't want to see her on weeknights.

I got mouthfuls of abuse, texts, emails, to my face - I was stopping him seeing his little girl, I was emotionally abusing her etc. I'm used to it, he can be horrific when he gets into a rage and I can usually ignore it because I don't care about him or what he thinks.

Until the day when he dropped her off (from a weekend with him) and knelt down and said to her 'You will have to ask mummy why she is child abusing you and stopping you see daddy'. Then after he said it twice more to her (and me) on a video call later that week and after a load more vicious abusive texts and a sleepless night thinking about it, I decided that actually, I would stop contact because I don't want my little girl to hear that filth about me from her dad.

Our little girl is 4. She is the loveliest funniest little sweetheart. I should add that she loves daddy, and always has fun with him and his constant stream of girlfriends (eye roll) but as long as she is treated well, its all been OK with me. Well this is NOT alright. I am surprised how much hate I can take towards myself but the second she is involved, that's enough.

I did it fairly - I organised mediation for us, I saw a solicitor, I drew up a parenting plan. I knew the repercussions would be bad from him and I was right. He will not sign anything, he will not be told what to do, I am scum, he will not attend mediation, how dare I think he will attend court. In short, he will do nothing but send me abuse. And its getting worse. And we are at a stalemate because if he won't sign anything or join in or discuss any of it, then what can I do but continue to withhold contact? He is dealing with this by being MORE abusive which doesn't endear me to contact with him, as he seems unable to control his impulses, his rage or his mouth.

I blocked him on my phone, he sent me whatsapps, I blocked him there he sent me emails. He is still sending me emails. He says that I am a child abuser. He compares me to my granddad (who died when I was little, but who apparently abused a member of my family), he says that I am a paedophile child abuser and that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I've been called a child snatcher, a jealous rat, a vile wretch, a disgusting cunt, a shameful whore. You name it, I've been called it. I've got the police coming round again later as the tone has started to get a bit threatening - he is going to visit me, he is going to visit my family.

I am struggling though, with my little girl. She misses him. She doesn't see this side to him. At least I hope not, I don't think so. I do not know the best thing to say to her about the lack of contact, I do not want her thinking she’s done something wrong and I don’t want to badmouth him to her the way he has been doing to me.

It needs to be understandable for a 4 year old. I have absolutely no idea how to approach it or where to find someone who could help me. I did tell her he was on holiday but as he’d already told her via a video call that I was stopping her seeing him ('mummy won't let you see daddy anymore', so no more video calls either), she doesn’t believe me. I don’t want to lie to her either. He says that one day she will find out that I severed contact between them and that she will hate me, as he hates me.

If anyone can help, I would really appreciate it. I am struggling with the weight of this. I can't eat or sleep. And every day, her sad little face telling me she misses him. Sometimes the sad face is slightly dramatic. :) But I know she does miss him. I think I'm doing the right thing in my heart. But am I?

not so brief after all. Sorry. x

So even with the police involvement he is still emailing you. Time to block his emails.

He’s ruined everything.

Your own words. This situation is 100% of his own making. He has to face the consequences of his actions and his choices. Do follow through with the non-mol. The police do not encourage pursuing this unless they feel there are solid grounds, and they are the experts - listen to them.

Do not feel guilty about your ExH's bad decisions.

Reading all this reminds me of my ex. When it finally went to court the judge asked why he had taken me to court he was astonished. These men are dangerous and seriously deranged. Same here I worked full time but should only have o e Saturday a month. My ex is a coward and the threat of a non molestation order was enough. His family still keep banging on that I bad mouth him. I really do have better things to do with me time. When he gets riled I get all the emotional abuse stuff from him. It is scary how manipulative these men are. He thinks he is co trolling me by not paying for his son and doesn't understand that ultimately it is only his son that losses out. I feel really sorry for my son sometimes

You just need to get to court asap. I would also make sure you write down exactly what has been happening for the CAFCASS officer. Sadly I doubt social services would do anything. In my experience you'll be the one that ends up stuff to do and your ex will merrily carry on refusing to do what they say.

Do what the police advise. Take it to court. Don’t offer to drop it because you don’t know if he will stick to that. You need it all done properly and officially.

This sounds awful op. Take in to court and get a good lawyer. Keep all of his foul emails as evidence

Follow the police instruction to the letter you need them on side.
Arrange to go back to court and ask for supervised contact centre visitation only from now on. If anything you seem to be too relaxed about this, he DOES sound deranged so don’t underestimate him op. Keep yourself and your child safe. Accept a restraining order and support a prosecution. Your ex is using your child as a weapon to hurt you, this is not a good father not remotely close.
A good father would love his child to be respectful of his mother and would work hard to keep relations civil and kind. In my mind he can no longer be trusted and you should take every option available to protect yourself and your child.
Can you move to a safer place?

Do what the police advise. Take it to court. Don’t offer to drop it because you don’t know if he will stick to that. You need it all done properly and officially.

Don't block his emails.
Keep everything.
Give him enough rope.

But don't respond or contact him.

Youve done exactly the right thing in going to the police. You are protecting your child. Even if you havent seen him behave like this directly to her and its only to you, the impact on a daughter of seeing her mother be treated like this by her father would be awful...
This must be so hard for you but please dont feel guilty... it is not in your childs best interests to be around this and it is HIS fault as he is the one who is not even making any attempt to sort his behaviour out.

make sure you screenshot and save every communication from him. I know its hard because you wont want to look at that stuff but its important to keep the evidence of how toxic he is.

*Don't block his emails.
Keep everything.
Give him enough rope.

But don't respond or contact him.*

^^ This.

He sounds absolutely vile.
You say you didn't want all the non molestation orders etc you just want him to stop all this- but this is an indication of the type of father he is. He sounds mental.

What happens as she gets older and you disagree with something? Will He tell your daughter your a paedophile?

Supervises visits and court order. Nothing less.

P.s. he'll be telling his family a load of shit so once this reaches court, I would send them screen shots of everything he's been sending you.

I wouldnt contact his family as that may be classed as a response to his communication which would render the harassment warning useless.

Sorry you’re going through this. I can’t offer advice on your current situation, but I wonder whether you should retain all this stuff he is sending you and keep it in a safe place.

In the future you DD will either ask you what happened or if he has contact he will blame you. She will potentially see him as the victim and you as the villain - even though that’s not the case. Why should you take the brunt of this when you are protecting her? Maybe when she is old enough and can clearly understand (two key criteria) you can have a conversation about it and show her the tamer emails he has sent.

No idea if this is a good idea or not (and obviously the implications need to be carefully considered), but time and time again you see mums being ridiculed because they were doing the best for their kids 😢