Husband doesn't share finances

[Louby2018]

I've been married for 18 years to a man who simply won't share, he doesn't like sharing finances with me. It's got to a point now where I'm regretting having stuck it out for so long. But it would seem impossible to find independence now after all these years of being nothing more than a housewife. My husband has never been happy for me to find work, I had job offers when my children were little but my husband made it difficult for me to accept the jobs. He refused to pay nursery fees etc. He will never willingly give me money, if I need a small contribution for my child's school trip I have to ask, and ask and keep on asking until finally he'll leave me the cash to the nearest penny. He won't leave me house keeping money, however, unbeknown to him, his partial card details are left on my Sainsbury's grocery account, after I badgered him one time to pay for a Christmas grocery delivery. Anyway, since then I've been placing regular online shopping orders. He must think I've been using my £34 pw child benefits to stock the freezer, lol. It's really upsetting though as now my daughter is 18 and works part time in between her sixth form studies, she pays for everything herself, but she gets so upset because her earnings are simply not enough to cover all her expenses. If she needs essentials, such as underwear, then Dad has to accompany her to the store and right up to the counter to pay for them, he would never give any of us actual cash to have some dignity at the checkout. He has complained ever since we've been together about how tight his finances are, the only thing that seems to matter to him is his bank balance. He even keeps all his bank details, debit cards, financial documents locked away in a briefcase, which I know is hidden away at the back of the pantry. He is utterly controlling. He is on £35k a year, so not a bad income for a family with two children, but now we're in private rented house I know it's not enough to cover the extortionate rent, so I get it in the neck, he puts pressure on me to agree to move out to a cheaper part of the UK so he can afford to buy a house. We've been used to living in newbuilds over the years, but he had a habit of moving us out every two years, selling up and buying lower priced homes in order to make money all the time. Last house he sold last Christmas but couldn't afford to buy in current area, so we live in rented close to my 8 year old's primary school. But now he wants to move us to one of the most deprived areas of Wales, which would suit his bank account, even though an hour drive to his place of work, but the primary schools are really not looking good. My 8 year old has additional educational learning needs, so I'm apprehensive of moving her to another school that doesn't have a good record of performance, many schools were marked down as inadequate on the OFSTED reports. Tbh, in an ideal world I would be bringing my children up on my own, but with mo independence, no work record, no friend, no work references or personal references, not to mention no money, there's just no hope of finding my feet. I've literally been relying on my robotic cold hearted tight fisted husband for years, and now I feel there's just no way out. I sometimes wish, as bad as it sounds, that one day he might not come home from work so finally I'll be on my own with my children, and cat and dog. I've spoken to the women's aid helpline over the years, but other than advising me to go homeless and start again on benefits there's not much help in offer. Besides, I couldn't move my kids into a single room in a shared women's refuge, not after all these years of having had their own bedrooms and living in comfortable areas. And the thought of leaving our pets and furniture personal belongings behind, all we've had to speak of for all the years I've stuck it out with a controlling husband, to give it all up, for a room in a shared house with God knows who, in God knows where. That's what I'd be left with after 18 years of marriage. I don't drive, never had the cash to take enough lessons to get to test level, I did begin taking lessons in secret when my husband was at work, but I ran out of money and the lessons had to stop. With no money I could never afford a car anyway. The rent on our current home is a staggering £1400 pcm, so no hope of me being able to manage this place on my own. I feel so trapped no hope of ever being free from my controlling husband.

I'd initially concentrate on getting that briefcase unlocked. I think it's very likely that your husband has squirrelled away a vast amount of money over the years, of which you would be entitled to at least 50 %. I bet his salary is more than £35k too. Find out if any assets/ bank accounts in his name can be frozen temporarily if you srart divorce proceedings.

Ask your daughter to lend you the money to take the briefcase to a locksmith and ask them whether they can open it without damaging it. Phone round lots of different locksmiths if the first one says they cant do it. Then obviously photocopy every last document etc

If that's not possible, I'd be that desperate that I may consider a 'break in' at home, where a few items are 'stolen', and arrange for the briefcase to go to the son at uni... then kick husband's tight arse out of the home! Double up on sleeping arrangements and rent out at least one room so you have some extra income coming in, (airbnb?) claim housing benefit and your daughter will have to contribute to the rent too. Meanwhile you could look for a cheaper place to live if necessary while you sort out maintenance and divorce from husband.

Find a job- even minimum wage will be good and then entitle you to claim working tax credits etc.
I think you have to put your big 'can do' pants on, seize the moment, and assert yourself. You really have nothing to lose.

Report your husband to the police for coercive control- I assume this comes under domestic abuse and posters on here have often said you can get free legal advice if domestic abuse is involved (Maybe others can clarify this, as I'm not well versed in this matter). Find out if the police have domestic abuse advisors that could support you for a while?

But op, you're being financially and emotionally abused, you might be entitled to legal aid as it's domestic abuse.

Also, you can go for costs if you divorce, so he ends up paying in the end. Not to mention, half of the marital assets are yours whether under his name or not.

I ended up homeless, destitute and unemployed - was indescribably better than being married.

No doubt your husband is selfish, if talking not resolve the problem you need to find a job. How old are your children?

I am not sure leaving him will leave you financially worst off, that's why it's important not to become financial dependent on someone.

It's awful to read about your living conditions OP. It's easy to crack into a briefcase though. If it's 2 x 3 digit locks, I've done it myself. Take a photo first in case he leaves the combination in a set position. Start at 000 then either work forwards or backwards, so 001, 002, or 999, 998. Takes time but it's not difficult. Don't forget to mix it up afterwards. If it's a key lock, eBay is your friend. You can't live the rest of your life being abused by this pathetic cunt. Start fighting.

This was me 32 years ago. I have cried again reading your post.
I was threatened with losing custody of our children if I left as he “ had plenty of evidence to have me committed to a mental hospital” apparently. I had no money, no access to money, no access to knowledge of husbands earnings etc. I was a confident teacher before I married, within 2 years my confidence and self esteem had gone.
One day when my children were 2 and 4, 2 friends came round with their cars when he was at work and loaded as much of my stuff as possible and we left to stay with another friend for a short while.

Looking back now, I know things are different these days and this sort of abuse is recognised. Please take all the help you can get from whatever source and get out . I am thinking about you and wish I could do something practical to help you.

Op - please listen to posters on here.

You will not be homeless. You are entitled to at least half of all assets, including his pension.
The free half hour with a solicitor will give you a good start on understanding how much you will end up with in the case of a divorce - you do not need to continue to see the solicitor after that if you don't want to/ can't afford it.
You have made a start, keep going. Posters on here will do their best to give advice, try not to close your ears to what is being said because of fear (I know that's easier said than done).

This is so frustrating ! Have you tried contacting Women's Aid for advice ? How can you live with no money of your own ??? You need to make some changes, because this situation cannot continue. Who cares what's in the briefcase, he has a job, probably a pension. If you divorced you would probably receive some benefits

I contacted women's aid, they can only give me basic advice, some of which I thought was pretty useless. They did email me the coercive behaviour act but didn't really advise where to take it from here. One time I was advised to make my way to the local housing office on foot over 7 miles away with my youngest child, and sit it out as they'd have to provide accommodation for us. Like how irresponsible I thought, we had no money for food or transport and being advised to leave our home. And what about school? Just camp out like tramps in the housing office. Just me and my youngest, so the oldest children would be left at home anyway. Didn't think much to that advice, sometimes got the impression that women's aid couldn't help me and would say anything to get me off their phone line. Incidentally their help line number is always busy, weeks and weeks of continuous dialling before you're lucky enough to get through.

Sorry to hear that the advice you've been given hasn't been that helpful.
I hope though that you have started to think about ways and means of leaving this awful situation.

I know that change is very frightening and it often seems easier to stay with what you know, but please don't close your mind to all suggestions given on here or by outside agencies. Keep thinking, keep trying, keep looking for a way out. There is another, better life out there for you but when you see an opportunity you've got to be brave and try to grab it with both hands.

There is no neat and easy way to do it, OP. Some advice might seem strange, unhelpful and even ridiculous. You just have to find the one that you feel will work best for you. Sometimes just getting the hell away from everything works best, even if it means leaving your job, your home, schools, the lot. When you go to a refuge your life is on hold while you get all the things you left behind sorted out and replaced with new ones. Making big changes are terrifying but it sounds like you are getting towards making a decision.

As snowy says there is no easy way of leaving but you also have to think to yourself how much longer can you put up with this?
Yes your life would be on hold while you get things sorted. But remember you are entitled to half the marital assets if you divorce him.
Think 5-10 years from now
If you don’t make the first move you will still be with him because he is happy with the way things are.
You could even go to your local police station and explain what’s been happening. Tell them you’ve left an abusive situation with your kids, no money / food / homeless

Your 18 yr old although not earning much could perhaps lend you money to leave ( and come with you?)
It may be that the only way to leave is turn up at the council offices and wait. Contact Women’s Aid to tell them you are leaving they may have a refuge place free.I think refuges are self contained homes now although I may be wrong.

Regarding the pets you could contact BlueCross to look after them in the interim?

It’s going to take some resourcefulness on your part to get out of your situation but you can do it !

When phoning Women’s Aid could you contact your local office direct rather than go through the helpline ( it’s what I did and got through much quicker although I did email them first )

I have no general advice, but as a way of trying to scratch together some pennies, I am making some suggestions. It won't help your relationship and it's only literally pennies, but it may help.

1. try online surveys. They pay pennies, but they can pay out to paypal or Amazon vouchers which can start your escape fund.

1. Checkout Smart and, I think, Shopmium, are apps for smart phones which allow you to get cash back to paypal on online shops. It's pennies now and again, but I've just checked. If you can get an online Sainsbury shop and if you buy one of the items included in the promotions then you can get cashback. It is literally pennies, perhaps less than £1 per week, but it's building the escape fund.

1. Do you have a nectar card associated with the Sainsburys account? If not, I suggest that you get one. The points build up gradually and slowly, but they can be used to pay for things in Sainsburys or converted to eBay vouchers. It won't contribute to the escape fund, but it will be a resource when you get out.

I think there are other things as well you can do which may make up a few pennies. It won't go far, but at least you will be able to feel that you are doing something Sending good vibes.

What sort of solution do you think they could offer, realistically, that you would actually take? Presenting as homeless due to domestic abuse is indeed one way out. 7 miles is a long walk, but it's scarcely impossible. Tough thing to do, no kidding, but so's the life you're leading.

But you're choosing this cage because you're unwilling to make changes.

Your adult daughter could find herself a house share or bedsit at 28. She could stay where she is, if she chose. Your adult son is at uni. He could sleep on a sofa bed in the holidays. They're adults, they could help themselves, even help you. You and the other dc could leave and get help from the council as suggested. Or, you could start a divorce in situ if it's safe, (as far as I am aware you haven't said he's physically violent).

He walked out in September 2019!
Why?
Because, unbeknown to me at the time, he'd inherited a substantial amount of money from his late mother's estate. She'd passed in November 2018.
He simply didn't want to have to share a penny of his money with us, so he walked out and left us with nothing but a section 21 notice!
As soon as he informed the landlord that he had moved out, I was served with a section 21 notice. The landlord was not happy to have a single parent living in his property, especially since I did not fit the minimum income stipulated for the tenancy!
October 16th 2019 was the expiry date on the notice. Through representing myself in court and completing my defence papers the judge concluded that the landlord was nit permitted to use an accelerated possession order as he'd not provided me with a valid gas safety certificate before the section 21 notice was served!

Oh it would have been lovely to have had the means to see a solicitor and seek a divorce and ultimately half of mg husband's assets for me and my children. But I had zero income, and was not entitled to legal aid. Solicitors don't seem to offer legal aid anymore?
To cut a long story short, I found employment, albeit on the minimum wage and tedious non skilled work. With no current work history I felt lucky to be offered the position of hotel team member, as no one else would employ me, and the job searching became depressing, one unsuccessful application after another.
I registered as facing homelessness and was offered a newbuild housing association property, which I moved into just before the pandemic became a thing.
Thus is ne, the original poster btw, just could not locate my original account.

So have you divorced him?

Have you divorced him? Are you getting cms for the kids ? You're entitled to a share of the money.

You’re entitled to a share of all of his assets including inheritance.

Your self esteem is so low and I think you have absolutely no ability to progress any sort of solution. You are broken and that's not surprising with the financial abuse you have suffered over many years and you need someone to hold your hand. So ....its time to take action. You have a very capable daughter, could she mentor you through the process? Attend lawyer appointments with you, research, fill out forms, discuss options etc etc. Or does she know someone who could mentor you at the university. If you can pull this off you will be happiness filled and will look back in utter bewilderment at the shit you have put up with. Surely you dont want this life to continue any longer.

You've already done tremendously well @Disneymum48 . I'm really impressed. Your next step must be to get what you deserve from your marriage i.e at least half of the assets and his pension. You can self represent if you must but help from someone else would be useful. Get what's owed you, make your life more comfortable!

Get yourself a job - anything from supermarket to cleaning to virtual assistant just so you have some income coming in. Go online and see what you would be entitled to.

Lots of women are and have been in the same boat. When I left my ex, I had to start from scratch, rebuilding my career etc. It wasn't easy but a few years down the line and life is sweet.

Brilliant news op, well done

He’s lying about his income OP, he almost certainly wouldn’t have been able to rent a house at that much a month on 35k, unless it was a private arrangement, not through an estate agent?

Just read your update, so pleased to hear you’re out of this, but I hope you’re not just letting him walk away with all that money?