Oh keeps saying I’m going to leave him

[dollieollie]

It’s just as the title says really. I’ve no intention of going anywhere, I’ve told him this, asked him why to be told ‘I just know you will, you’ll meet someone else and be gone’ and I’ve told him I actually find it very hurtful and he clearly doesn’t think very much of me if that’s his opinion. I’m at the end of my tether.

We’ve got a 6 month old baby and he’s even been saying ‘don’t worry when mommy leaves’ to her, like wtf!

I’ve had enough of it to be quite honest and don’t know what else to say to him anymore. Last time he came out with it I said ‘if I leave it’ll be because you keep saying I’m going to’

Is he quite controlling?

I smell a rat. Could he be having an affair?

Sounds like projection on his part...

It sounds like emotional abuse of sorts, so if you ever did decide to leave (for example because of this exact behaviour) he can be all “I told you so”.. it must be exhausting for you.

Has he been left/cheated on before? It's no excuse if he has btw, but would maybe explain his behaviour a bit more. Saying it to your child is completely ridiculous behaviour though, and very damaging if he carries it on when they're older and can understand.

Rather than reacting have you tried an eye roll and saying something like 'not this nonsense again' and just moving on and ignoring it? Maybe he's very insecure and is looking for validation? Maybe he's just looking for attention? Maybe he's a controlling arse? Whatever the truth is, you can't go on for the rest of your lives like this.
He is making you feel like he doesn't trust you when you've done nothing to warrant that.

He’s not controlling in anyway and I genuinely don’t believe he would cheat on me. He is 9 years older than me and isn’t the most secure person in the world though.

I just don’t know why my word isn’t enough. I actually said him the last time he said it that if he carries on I will leave, at least then I’ve actually done something. It’s like he’s convinced himself I’m going to leave him for someone younger.

I’m not the namby pamby type usually and would (and have) told him to get a grip but because it’s becoming a regular thing it’s getting me down.

It sounds like he knows you'll leave because he's going to push you by showing his true colours.

Exh used to say that everyone leaves him etc. He's vile and abusive and pushes everyone away.

Any other weirdness or red flags?

My DH always said that I would eventually leave him and have someone new within a year. He is very insecure, controlling and the has been EA over the years. It was exhausting and I thought I was going mad at times. I left him two months ago. I feel a lot better.

Has he tried taking his balls out of his little girls handbag?

Nothing else we’ve always been really good together, it’s only the past couple of months this has started.

Neither of us is the jealous type and we’re both very, what my gran calls, free spirited and do what we like to do whether we’re together or separate.

@cambshusband that made me lol

Has he tried taking his balls out of his little girls handbag?

oh casual sexism, nice.

@magicfajita the only other thing is he doesn’t want to get married (and never has)... I on the other hand would love to and he knows this

I would absolutely not accept him talking to your child like that. If he wants to keep hold of his insecurities that's on him - he does NOT get to project them into your child at such a formative age.

Refer to it as 'you are having the thought that I am going to leave you'. And say, 'just because you are having thoughts about me going to leave you, they are YOUR thoughts. They have absolutely nothing to do with me. There is no string connecting the neurons firing in your brain with my actions, there really isn't. Just because I think about the kettle boiling, that doesn't make the kettle switch itself on....'
Just read you said he doesn't want to get married!! Well there's your response then...Marry me so if you are that keen for me to stay!!

he sounds incredibly insecure, was he left by his parents before or something? Did they split up?

In all seriousness, is he feeling like a third wheel? It’s very easy to shove a new father to the sidelines without realising. We have one friend who constantly says that they’re “my boys” and it pisses him off no end, and rightly so.

He’s being a bit of a wet Wednesday about it though.

Okay, the marriage thing could be neither here nor there. Do be careful though, especially if you're taking a long maternity leave and do not have proper shared finances. Make sure you have access to family money and are named on your mortgage/tenancy and also that you could cope alone if the relationship goes sour. Basically, don't allow him to hem you in gradually if that is his way.

I would be very tempted to say ‘if you persist in keep saying this and saying it to daughter’ you make it way more likely’ but I realise that’s not probably going to help matters!!

Does he have mental health problems? I have a personality disorder and I have a constant, irrational fear that my DP doesn’t love me or Will leave. There’s no evidence to support this and I try to fight it but it’s a constant struggle.

I know your dc is very young now, but you really need to nip the comments to your dc about you leaving in the bud now! Your dc will soon realise what he’s saying, and it could make her very insecure if she thinks mummy will leave soon. Especially if it’s daddy saying these things

As you've got a young baby and this started a couple of months ago, could he have some kind of postnatal depression or anxiety?

I have experience in this and I feel really bad for you, my DH sometimes (actually quite often) suggests that I'm going to leave him or even that I should cos I would be happier :( and as I'm pregnant with our first baby, I'm terrified he'll say something like that in front of her so I sympathise a lot with you because that must actually be awful to hear him saying that to your daughter. You need to let him know that that's really not acceptable and could cause stress and trauma for your child if it continues. No matter what insecurities or anxieties someone has, surely protecting your children is always the utmost concern.

His parents split up when he was a teenager and his dad passed away several years after that.

I think when dd was newborn he might have felt pushed out and I realised when she was a few weeks old he needed to be included plus some first time dad apprehension. He’s self employed and works awful hours so it is difficult so we agreed he should do bath and bed time (when he’s back in time) so he could be more included in the day to day stuff.

Out of the 2 of us I’m the higher earner however he could change that if he really wanted to without trying to hard however he doesn’t want to go back to his previous profession as he doesn’t like it, which is fine as far as I’m concerned (not that the extra money wouldn’t be nice).

My partner says the same to me, he is 14 years older than me. I believe it has something to do with the age gap.