Oh keeps saying I’m going to leave him

[dollieollie]

It’s just as the title says really. I’ve no intention of going anywhere, I’ve told him this, asked him why to be told ‘I just know you will, you’ll meet someone else and be gone’ and I’ve told him I actually find it very hurtful and he clearly doesn’t think very much of me if that’s his opinion. I’m at the end of my tether.

We’ve got a 6 month old baby and he’s even been saying ‘don’t worry when mommy leaves’ to her, like wtf!

I’ve had enough of it to be quite honest and don’t know what else to say to him anymore. Last time he came out with it I said ‘if I leave it’ll be because you keep saying I’m going to’

It sounds like he has some deep seated abandonment issues, which aren't fair to put on to you, but he can't help me. He likely needs some help with recognising his responses to life situations.

He might feel that he is always going to lose what he loves, but he has to work through that. it'll make him happier and your relationship better. Insecurities are not fair to put onto others, but he might not realise that's what he is doing.

I know how heartless this sounds but I have a very low tolerance to self pity, both in myself and others (not that I’m not understanding at all I just don’t get the point). So these kinds of comments, he knows, will wind me up. I don’t know whether he’s after the reaction he gets but these only so many times I will say ‘I’ve got no intentions of going anywhere, I love you’ etc before I lose my sense of humour then he’s surprised when I have a go at him.

No MH problems that I’m aware of no other real change in his behaviour. He’s always said that he can’t believe we’re together because he’s nearly 10 years older than me and going bald and if I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1 million times I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t want to be. I’ve been in that type of relationship, in it because it’s easier to stay than leave and I wouldn’t do it again but it’s driving a wedge between us.

It's not something that he can control if it is deep seated, it is looking for reassurance permanently which will cause you massive problems.

He needs to get some help with it, and not from you.

I've had it myself, I was massively insecure and hated myself for it, I put a lot on my ex-partner and he wasn't able to cope. Once I was able to work out why I had these reactions to things, especially fear of losing what I loved, I was able to move forward with my life.

It's not heartless.

You've tried to reassure him but he carries on. If someone you care for says something you do/say is upsetting them then you try your best to stop.

No, and he needs to know how it affects you.

Oh dear.
This sounds like he is judging you by his own standards.
Did he cheat in previous relationships?
Projection!!!
I'd be putting it to him as such as well.
Tell him it sounds like projection (as you've been worried about it so you looked it up on line) and that you are starting to think that HE is having an affair and judging you by his own standards.
Hopefully that will make him see things in a different light!?

the only other thing is he doesn’t want to get married (and never has)... I on the other hand would love to and he knows this

He's up to something and it's projection and manipulation combined, at the very least. It's hard when you're feeling down but, be alert watch for signs and you'll get to the truth of this sudden behaviour.

It’s odd that he is so insecure but he doesn’t want marriage.

Unfortunately, these kind of behaviours become a self-fulfilling prophecy, which then only reinforces the perpetrator's very skewed perception. This has a pay-off for him. It might not be a conscious one, but it'll be a powerful one.

I’m confused, he thinks you’re going to leave him but he won’t make a commitment of marriage despite knowing it’s what you want, something doesn’t add up. What are his reasons for not getting married?

There has to be some payoff for him to keep to telling you he thinks you’re going to leave. Does he feed off the constant reassurance? Or does he think by keeping you on alert, that your less likely to leave? Whatever the pay off is, it’s hurting you and he needs to decide if the payoff is more important to him than your hurt feelings.

It’s time to be frank, if he continues to make his issues your issue, you will leave him and if you do, he will have driven you to it.

Just stop with the reassurance. He's getting a fix from that, whether he realises it or not. And it's obviously not helping reassure him because he's still at it and worse than he was, so it's a waste of both your time.
God that would annoy me. You won't commit to me but expect me to spend my time telling you that's fine, I'll be here anyway. He's basically forcing you to stomp over your own wants to reassure him you don't want what he knows you want - and worse, that you won't take steps to assert those wants.

Because really, the only response to wanting marriage and knowing you won't get it (if it is that important to you) is to leave. So he's constantly pushing you to confirm that you're prepared to put your wishes to one side to appease him. Fuck that shit!

Agree with last two posters.

What is he playing at?!

The fact that he says this stuff to your dd would be a dealbreaker for me. She may not understand yet, but I'd be extremely worried about the future emotional damage he'll do to her.

If he's not willing to get help, I'd be out.

He’s jealous that the new baby is getting all the attention.
It’s quite common, read up on it.

He's suddenly become chronically insecure in the last TWO MONTHS?

That sounds very odd. Could he be ill? Is there some sort of physical illness which could create this weird behaviour?

@bubbles108 he’s always been a bit insecure because of the age gap saying he doesn’t understand why I’m with him and such but it’s the past couple of months he’s started making a point of saying I’m going to leave him for someone younger/better looking etc and it’s increased in frequency as well. Before it was just the odd off hand comment about how he doesn’t see what I love about him but more recently it’s I’m going to walk out because I’ve found someone else or I’ve become fed up with him

It seems that the increase in frequency is linked to him becoming a Dad? Would you say?

You need to ensure that you never reinforce this behaviour - so don’t reassure him. I’d tell him to stop being a bore.

I agree that reassurance is reinforcement.

I actually think this is one situation were marriage counselling might be helpful, if this is allowed to continue you will resent him. Get in contact with Relate.