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Original poster

Ex's girlfriend calling herself 'stepmum'

35 replies

HalfMyLife · 17/07/2018 10:50

So, my ex left me and our DCs (11 & 6) last April, for the OW.
He moved in with her (into her house) in January this year.
He has been seeing the kids once a month for around 3 hours after school for the past year, where he picks them up from school and takes them to macdonalds near school and the family home, as his new home is 40 mins bus ride away.
He's had one weekend away with the kids and his GF in that time, and the kids have stayed at their house overnight once, and been there for a full day on a weekend once.
As i was putting DD(6) to bed last night, she starting talking about stepmums, and how all Stepmothers weren't nasty (we'd been reading Cinderella!) and that did i know she had a Step Mum.

I replied that of course Step mums aren't nasty in real life - just in some fairy tales and that most step mums are very nice people.

It's really wound me up though that they are referring to her as the kid's step mum when she has little or no input into their life. Ex doesn't even act like a dad the majority of the time, so how can she claim that title - surely it needs to be earned??

Do i just let it go?? Or is it ok to say to DD "she's not your step mum, she's daddy's girlfriend"
DS(11) would have a fit at her referring to herself as his step mum.

I would have no issue with it if the pair of them were actually having some positive input into the kids lives - but they're not!!

OP posts:
springydaff · 17/07/2018 11:05

I'm with you all the way on this.

I spoke to ex about it. Didn't go down well.

It's not fair to put the politics of it on our kids so probably keep referring to her as "daddy's girlfriend"

magoria · 17/07/2018 11:06

I think it is best to let it go.

You could say xx is daddy's girlfriend, if they get married she will be your step-mum.

However neither of them have morals or scruples as they are cheats so probably not worth the fight.

Trinity66 · 17/07/2018 11:10

Yeah let it go, you'll only end up upsetting your kids if you make a big deal about something you can't realistically do anything about.

flamingofridays · 17/07/2018 11:12

its just words...

HoHoHoHo · 17/07/2018 11:13

I don’t think it is up to you or the gf to decide whether or not she is a step-mum. It is up to your daughter. I would leave it and let your daughter make up her own mind. It is hard enough for children when their parents separate without them having to deal with managing their parents feels about new partners. I understand that it is really hard for you and annoying but if you say anything to your daughter it makes it her problem which isn’t fair.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 17/07/2018 11:21

Agree - it's very unlikely you'll achieve a meaningful and positive outcome by challenging it.

Perhaps (and this may well be difficult) focus on the positive way your daughter was talking about it. She could have an actual evil stepmother, who resents her existence. Instead she sees Ex's GF as a positive in her life. I think you'd be unwise to squash this.

But that doesn't mean you have to like it, or be proactive in talking about it (or even calling her "step-mum").

Suebnm · 17/07/2018 11:21

There are lots of threads on mumsnet from women not married to their boyfriend and who all live together, they all call his children 'my step child' , it's awful and we seem to have lost all common sense surrounding these sort of labels.

But you can't put it on your child, just refer to the girlfriend as daddy's girlfriend until they get married and she is her step child.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 17/07/2018 11:24

My exh and his gf (who was the OW) have been together for nearly 17 years. They've never married. She is my 17yo dd's stepmum as far as everyone is concerned and she calls the gf's family her cousins etc. It used to bother me but over time I've just let it go.

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/07/2018 11:34

I'm not married to my dp but we have a child together and kids 50% . Im their stepmom to them, we are engaged and getting married next year though. Tbh it is easier for the children to understand and 99% of the time in just referred to as my name only.
It's just a label and if it helps her understand then that's ok. In the long term I don't think it really matters what they refer to their parents new partner as as long as it's not mom or dad!!
I know it's hard but as long as the children are happy then that's best, it's way we look at it anyway.

flamingofridays · 17/07/2018 11:34

it's awful and we seem to have lost all common sense surrounding these sort of labels

until they get married and she is her step child

you're contradicting yourself here really.

they could get married tomorrow and she'd be no more involved with parenting her, yet she would be her step mum

or someone can parent their bf/gf's child, for years, full time, and be reffered to as "daddys girlfriend" for all eternity because there's no ring on her finger,

common sense? pah!

NorthernSpirit · 17/07/2018 11:37

My example.....

My OH has 2 children, he’s been divorced 6 years, we’ve been together 4 and lived together for 2. I’ve / my OH always referred to myself as xx (by my first name).

In the NY (i’d known the kids for 3.5 years) my DSD (12 at the time) referred to me as step mum. I was a bit taken back TBH.

It’s completely upto the kids. Not for anyone to push or withhold. Let your daughter decide.

Stinkachoo · 17/07/2018 12:02

Another example here...me and DD 6 have lived with DP for 3 years. We will get married in a few years, he is very involved with her.

Her dad is always very keen to point out DP is not her step-dad. He hates the idea of her having a step-dad. We've never encouraged it as we knew it would cause problems and never felt need for a label.

DD did though. She likes the fact she's lucky enough to have another daddy. If ex heard her say that he'd go spare, but she has said it completely with no prompting.

She seems to take comfort in the label. Its easier to explain to her friends. Kids like to have things defined.

I think before you take action find out who instigated it. And remember, she might learn that you dont like the step-mum label and just stop using it at home.

Original poster
HalfMyLife · 17/07/2018 12:03

Thanks all - like i said, if they had an input into the kids lives i wouldn't care how long they'd been together, and the issue of whether they're married or not doesn't really bother me.

I know it's hard but as long as the children are happy then that's best, it's way we look at it anyway - that's the problem......they're not, they're confused and upset and don't understand why their Dad doesn't want to be more involved in their life. They don't know when they'll see him from one month to the next (he gives me a day's notice), he doesn't phone them, go to parent's evenings, or any school events.........
So this is why it winds me up - he doesn't deserve the title of 'dad' never mind anything else.

However.......you're all right, I need to let it go - I have no desire to add to the kids worries even more, and bringing it up with ExH would just be inviting a ton of abuse so ........deep breaths, smile, and keep taking the tablets...........

OP posts:
Original poster
HalfMyLife · 17/07/2018 12:05

@stinkachoo - i did ask her who told her she had a step mum, and she said 'daddy'

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/07/2018 12:29

I'm sorry if their dad isn't pulling his weight. If it helps I had a chat with my partner's daughter when she referred to her mom her name rather than as mom or mummy. Basically I said I'm 'name' or if you prefer step mom but mommy will always be mommy and not 'name'.
You could do something similar? Maybe say that's nice you can call her dad's gf or 'name' or step mom whatever you would prefer as that's up to you. Might make her more comfortable?

MeridianB · 17/07/2018 12:30

Hi OP. As a step mum (married and spending regular time with SC for a decade) I totally understand how you feel and YANBU.

I don't use the term step mum with SC at all because it doesn't feel necessary - they call me by my first name. It sounds like your Ex is trying to give his GF a 'role' in their lives.

I wouldn't mention it to your ex if you think he would just make more of a thing of it to spite you and I'd be tempted not to say anything to your children but maybe just refer to her as Daddy's friend if you mention her.

The bigger issue seems to be the contact - can you send him a schedule or work one out with him and explain how the last minute and erratic time is having a really negative impact?

It sounds like really hard work dealing with his nonsense but wanting them to see him even if it's really thoughtlessly arranged on his part. You sound very patient and I hope things swing back in your/their favour very soon.

Original poster
HalfMyLife · 17/07/2018 12:48

@MeridianB - thank you. Yes, that really is the bigger issue - and I think it makes me more sensitive to any smaller issues tbh.
I've tried the things you've suggested already.....but apparently my trying to agree reasonable contact arrangements, and asking him to use some of his annual leave to see his children in school holidays/on birthdays etc is me 'dictating' his life......I even tried telling him what a positive impact the weekend away with him and his GF had had on both kids, and how much happier and settled they'd been after spending 3 days with them...........nothing.

Now I've stopped trying - i just get on with our lives, and if the kids are free when he wants to see them (which 9 times out of 10 they are) then off they go.....
Luckily i have a wonderfully supportive family and friends and the kids have lots of people who love them.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 17/07/2018 12:59

He sounds like a total cockwomble.

Does he realise that many people in your position would just withhold contact and make him take you to court? Is he paying maintenance?

I hope his own family is ashamed of him and supporting you!

noitsnotme · 17/07/2018 13:03

I’d agree this is more about their desperation to be taken seriously as a couple/be seen to be integrated in each other’s lives. Basically for appearances sake.

But there’s not a lot you can do without seeming like the bitter ex really. Although I completely understand your frustration in the circumstances. I would refer to her by name when talking to DC.

My DS13 has a stepmum (officially, married for two years now, been in his life for 9). He never referred to her as his SM before that, and she and my ex have always seemingly respected that boundary. (DS bought her a “mum” card for her first Mother’s Day and ex told him to get another as I might feel funny about it. Personally, I thought it was quite sweet and didn’t bother me, but it was nice to see his dad consider my feelings) But she has earned her place in his life and our respect.

dramaqueendropout · 17/07/2018 13:08

I wouldn't raise it with the ex but I certainly would clarify with the child that she isn't her stepmother.

It's possible the child has simply come to this conclusion by herself but I wouldn't let it grow... dads hardly offering stability himself, it's not really like she needs false security from a stepmom title too. They could split up next week.

Original poster
HalfMyLife · 17/07/2018 13:09

I won't lie - it has crossed my mind to withhold contact to force him into sorting out a regular schedule - but it would only damage the kids in the long run. His family live a couple of hundred miles away and are no support whatsoever - MIL last phoned the kids on Xmas day.
But yes, he pays maintenance very reluctantly - had to go through CMS to get it.

And Cockwomble has been my pet name for him for the past year :-)

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 17/07/2018 13:13

Find someone random that the kids can call step dad, the postman, Tom Hardy etc Grin ok maybe not that would just confuse them more.

I totally don't blame you for being irked by it but it does seem the bigger issue here is your ex being a 'cockwomble' I don't suppose there's a chance of talking to the Not-a-Stepmum is there? It's just in some cases dealing with the ex's new partner rather than the ex themselves can be preferable. If not I would seriously think about contacting the relevant body to get a properly structured visiting timetable in place, as it being all on his terms isn't fair.

Original poster
HalfMyLife · 17/07/2018 13:27

@cakecakecheese - haha, i like the idea of a random step-dad. Maybe i'll find one on Tinder :-D
I honestly couldn't bring myself to speak to her tbh - maybe given time, but it's all still a bit too raw even over a year on :-(
If only there were such a 'relevant body' - unfortunately there's no such thing - a parent can just walk away and can't be made to see their kids more often, or more regularly etc so can basically do what they like. Really annoys me that if I said to him 'yes you can see the kids, but only when i say so and i'll let you know the day before that they're coming' - he could take me to court, but not the other way around.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 17/07/2018 13:35

That is annoying, kids need structure and actually if he had half a brain he'd realise that his partner would become more of a step mum type figure if they had the kids on a proper regular basis.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2018 13:41

My ExP had (still has) 3 kids.
We were together 6+ years and I would never class myself as a stepmum.
Mainly because they never stayed over. Maybe 2-4 times in years.
And I'd often keep out of the way so they could have some bonding time with their dad.
(and I don't really like kids much anyway Grin)