Ex's girlfriend calling herself 'stepmum'

[HalfMyLife]

So, my ex left me and our DCs (11 & 6) last April, for the OW.
He moved in with her (into her house) in January this year.
He has been seeing the kids once a month for around 3 hours after school for the past year, where he picks them up from school and takes them to macdonalds near school and the family home, as his new home is 40 mins bus ride away.
He's had one weekend away with the kids and his GF in that time, and the kids have stayed at their house overnight once, and been there for a full day on a weekend once.
As i was putting DD(6) to bed last night, she starting talking about stepmums, and how all Stepmothers weren't nasty (we'd been reading Cinderella!) and that did i know she had a Step Mum.

I replied that of course Step mums aren't nasty in real life - just in some fairy tales and that most step mums are very nice people.

It's really wound me up though that they are referring to her as the kid's step mum when she has little or no input into their life. Ex doesn't even act like a dad the majority of the time, so how can she claim that title - surely it needs to be earned??

Do i just let it go?? Or is it ok to say to DD "she's not your step mum, she's daddy's girlfriend"
DS(11) would have a fit at her referring to herself as his step mum.

I would have no issue with it if the pair of them were actually having some positive input into the kids lives - but they're not!!

He has been seeing the kids once a month for around 3 hours after school for the past year, where he picks them up from school and takes them to macdonalds near school

they're confused and upset and don't understand why their Dad doesn't want to be more involved in their life. They don't know when they'll see him from one month to the next (he gives me a day's notice), he doesn't phone them, go to parent's evenings, or any school events
So this is why it winds me up - he doesn't deserve the title of 'dad' never mind anything else.

OP, my ex used to do this to my DC..he seen them for 3 hours after school and then used his weekends for nights out, concerts and weekends away. I told him enough was enough, he had to step-up and start being a father and that he couldn't continue to treat them like this...I asked him to even just see them one weekend a month to start with...he chose his girlfriend and social life over his kids and you know what, they're much happier now. They were really hurt but now they don't even think about him.

I won't lie - it has crossed my mind to withhold contact to force him into sorting out a regular schedule - but it would only damage the kids in the long run

Honestly, it made my kids happier in the long run.

@isawthelight - sorry you had to go through this too, but glad that your kids are now happier. Do you mind me asking how old they were at the time?

My ex works shifts, and uses this as an excuse, as well as telling the kids he can't see them very often because he doesn't have any money (and then goes abroad on holiday/buys a hot tub/spends all weekend in the pub!!) DS understands that this isn't how a father should behave, and gets himself in a right state because of it - he actually begged me at one point to tell his dad that he couldn't see them anymore unless he came up with a schedule - but then the next time his dad got in touch he wanted to see him....... so flipping hard.

HalfMyLife

My kids were 1 and 3 when we split. He messed about for a couple of years seeing them months apart and then disappeared for a year. When he eventually came crawling back begging to see them again, I stupidly agreed. They were 4 and 6 at this time, he saw them for 3 hours on a Monday after school. I let this go on for a year, the kids were getting increasingly upset, asking why he didn't want to spend more time with them so I gave him the ultimatum and he chose not to see them, he was unwilling to give up his social life. He always said it was because of work - He finished work at 5 o'clock on a Saturday and doesn't return til Tuesday morning.

It was hard getting them through it but honestly, now, 1 year on, they're so so happy. They don't really think about him. I always make a point of asking them how they're feeling about him(every month or so) and their answers have gone from "really sad" to "I don't really think about it now". It took years of him messing them about for me to do this and it was hard at times but keeping him out of their lives has paid off. It was the uncertainty and in and out that caused the most upset.

Luckily i have a wonderfully supportive family and friends and the kids have lots of people who love them

Oh and also, what you said above helped me make my decision too. I talked it through with my family, asked their advice and they all agreed he was messing them up. One of my family members said to me "One good parent is better for them than one good parent and one shit parent"...that made my mind up. My family really make an effort with the kids because unfortunately exes entire family have also abandoned them.

Just gently correct her, it’s not her stepmum. To me, you don’t have to be married to create a step parent rather the step parent is a person who has readily supported and helped raise your children for some time. Taking them to McDonald’s once a month doesn’t count as being a step parent at all. I have had this with my DC calling xH’s girlfriend’s mother ‘Granny’. I correct them every time they say Granny so they’ve stopped calling her it now.

I am step-mum, but only became step-mum after DSD asked me if she could call me this. I don't really use the term but she uses it as she likes it. I simply said 'you can call me whatever you like'

Her mum doesn't mind and I think this makes all the difference - if she minded I would not want to be called that as I am not her mother. Fact is I couldn't care less what she calls me, as long as it is what SHE wants to call me.

Also I do lots for her. School runs, financial support, emotional support, etc etc... not just a trip out occasionally!

She sounds batshit OP. Totally with you here, she shouldn’t be saying she’s a step Mum because, in the cold light of day, she isn’t her step Mum.

My son's 'step mum' of four years (was the OW) hasn't even met my son. His dad spend a year trying to force this women down his son's throat. Son hasn't seen his dad for 2.5 years because.of it.