Lost my mojo

[PookieDo]

Sorry I know not exactly relationships but I don’t know where else to post this

Am single mum, Work full time job and a few extra hours in another job

My job is so horribly stressful at present I hate being here, just want to go home. I am under so much pressure and I just complain about it but nothing very constructive can happen to help (or no one cares 😂)

I’ve had a stressful year with medical issues and splitting up with my boyfriend. I worry about my health a lot and not sure whether stress/anxiety is making me feel ill

I am just so drained and fed up. I feel like all I do is complain to my friends so they are bored of me, there is no support but I don’t blame them. I have probably brought it on myself and maybe I am not a good friend in return. I have tried with them.

Too drained for dating
Never get a break
Family are either swamped themselves or useless (parents)
Kids are teens but very needy
Work is stressful
Need money so have to work a lot
Studying to better our lives too
Ex is no help at all

I feel like everyone wants/takes something from me in all parts of my life and I never get anything back so I am depleted. And sad

This was me last year. Money is the biggest pressure as a single parent- the exhaustion created by working to maintain your lifestyle is overwhelming. People don't understand the drain of always being responsible for everything too. I have to be honest and say that I was at the edge of myself with it all.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you try and build in some time for yourself. It's an existence the way you're living just now. You need some pleasure. I took up painting and it had given me so much joy. Although it's not cheap and I've had to use my savings to fund it. Do you have anything you like like that?

How old are the kids? Would they be receptive to an adult conversation about how you need some help from them?

Kids can be total arseholes, but it’s rare that when faced with a mother at her wits end they don’t respond in some fashion.

They are assholes but they do help me (for money and nagging)
Home life is actually at the point where I just want to stay there and not leave! House is ok - could be a bit cleaner in some areas but it’s manageable. I even had a massive clear out the other day. It feels like when I am at home I feel so much better. But when I have to go get food or to work or am rushing around doing something I get so stressed and want to cry

The other day I just thought I can’t remember when I last got a hug, or a drink made for me, or when I haven’t had to worry about something or cooking the dinner

It’s just all over whelming me suddenly
DD2 doesn’t visit her DF anymore which is fine, she is no problem but she still needs caring for. I suppose on one day a week I was always used to having just a small window of no responsibility and it’s gone

No I have no hobbies except drinking alcohol with my one friend I have left!
I used to swim but I don’t get time or it’s just more hassle and I want to blankly stare at the TV and drink wine

So I am not really looking after my health either!

Again, all sounds very familiar. My DC are a bit younger so I still get pockets of time away from them but my Ex is opting out more and more. You need to do something that makes you feel like you have some pleasure in life. Join a club of some sort? Online dating again? Write a novel? Anything to make you feel a bit more alive.

I can’t online date in this state - what a crap date I would be! I can’t face dating right now it’s another thing wanted from me

I don’t know if I want to take on MORE responsibility for anything 😂

Second both PP and you know I've asked my DS for a hug and that is ok too!

As teens they could maybe take on a bit more to give you a break so bring that up when you talk to them.

'I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and if we work together we can all have a nicer time of it'

They may have some suggestions of their own - mine took over the wifi package, organised a new deal & set it up s/o from his account. It gives me less to worry about, he's always assured he can ring himself & complain about outage/speed without pestering me (who doesn't care so much) to ring ASAP!

Nice additional benefit is he gets to create a financial history of payment contracts for his future a bit sooner than having to move out and practice at regular bill paying.

Yours may not be old enough for that type of thing yet but getting them involved in taking care of the house can be done now.

Well whilst I commiserate as to how you feel, it doesn't sound like you really want to change it either. You have options but you don't want to put any work in. Any change takes a bit of work so it's either that you accept your current situation as it is and don't be too miserable, or you do something about it.

I’m trying to change our lives by Work and study as I don’t want us all to have no money forever, no holidays no nice things

I can only really change what I do in my free time - can’t afford to leave my job and trust me, i am addressing all the problems there (I do like my job but it is a really difficult time for the company in budget cuts and stress for all)

So I know the things I am doing is for a good cause

It doesn’t change the fact I am so tired and so drained and feel sad and down about life. I can’t draw I don’t think art would help

To go dating would involve leaving kids alone or babysitting and then frankly I don’t want a man. I don’t think a man will help with any of this in my experience they make it worse!

My kids are great kids in a lot of ways I don’t hate being a mum

I just feel so needed -but I have no one to rely on. My mum and Dad are so needy I am low contact

When people post on here they feel touched all out by small children - that is how it feels but with mental load. I am mental load touched out

Hi @PookieDo

Sorry you're so run down. It's not surprising though - you are doing so much and it sounds like you have been for so long: raising a family alone, two jobs, no help or support. You really deserve some support.

The good thing is that your DC are teens. They may be needy but they won't die of neglect if you focus on yourself for a couple of weeks.

Can you let them know that you're feeling really unwell (that is easier to understand than worn out or stressed) and you need to take things easy for a bit.

Give yourself a week of R&R as soon as you get home. Pint glass of iced water, iced tea, smoothie or diluted juices and instead of slobbing in front of any old TV, find a box set favourite comedy or a really good feelgood film to watch every night.

Do really simple healthy dinners - do baked potatoes or omlettes, stick a tray of chicken pieces in the oven with some cherry tomatoes and pre chopped veg, with a bag of salad and crusty bread, or buy ready meals. No chopping, prepping but no rubbishy take away fast foods either. Ask DC to wash up, or use paper plates.

For stress, yoga and meditation/affirmations are good. There's loads of free videos online, from 5 mins to full hours. Lots of them have free online courses you can sign up for too. Even if you just do 5 mins a day, that's you doing something beneficial for you.

I find two things make th ebiggest difference to feeling shattered and stressed.
The first is to find tiny ways to squeeze fun or pleasure/treats into the day. Eg - stream your favourite music while you get ready in the morning; watch comedies and favourite films at night, treat yoruself to a face pack, new bubble bath, massage bar etc and use them same day.

The other is to do something - amything, however tiny, every single day, that you've never done before. Walk a new way to work, sing in the shower, wear clothes combinations you've not put together before, order a different drink in a cafe, go to a different cafe. Talk to someone at work you never talk to. Move on from tiny stuff to bigger stuff - apply for a job which has better conditions and a pay rise.

I always bang on about these things but they helped me so much so I hope they help others. I was in a really deep rut - depressed and shattered and doing small stuff like that helped. Along with the usual drink loads of water, eat 8 a day etc.

Really hope you try some of this stuff and that it helps you.

Hi OP, not sure if anybody has mentioned this but you might be suffering with anxiety and depression. Have you been to see your doctor?

If you do not want to go that route have you considered taking some natural remedies to help you out of the funk? For me personally I take Valerian and Vit D which helps with my anxiety and gives me a good nights sleep.

Also seeing as your kids are teenagers, in the evenings it might be an idea to go for a swim rather than sit at home, I know that at this time you feel your safest and most comfortable doing that but alcohol is a suppressive so definately not doing you any favours.

Can I also mention do not look at online dating as looking for a boyfriend. You can also view it as a way of meeting new people and just having a giggle and getting out every now and then for a meal or even just a coffee with someone you do not know. Hey who knows maybe a shag might help too to restore your confidence. Nothing wrong with a harmless shag, an orgasm is good for the soul. ;)

I am controlling alcohol intake as I’m aware it’s a slippery slope. I restrict it so it is little amounts and not binge drinking. I have also recently stopped all caffeine (lots panic attacks and palpitations). I’ve had a blood test and will get one of those 24 hour ECG things. I feel really shit since stopping caffeine if I am honest.

I am not a great cook and I am trying to make the effort to eat better but again it’s hard to muster up any effort... I really have lost my drive for anything

I don’t even want to have sex with someone right now either
Which I did a few months ago so this isn’t normal ‘me’

Diet, exercise, sleep and better self care will all help the machine you live in function much better. And I'm not patronising you to tell you to draw a picture, I'm simply telling you what worked for me. Any creative process that isn't necessary for anyone else, but is simply yours and yours alone, can help your sense of ownership of your own life. Trust me, I've been here. The constant being in charge is awful. I was also diagnosed with Aspergers this year and the sense of being at the head of my ship with all the problems I face personally felt a bit overwhelming. But I had to shake my life up or be miserable all the time. You need some quality of life too. But it's up to you.

I think because I feel really alone, these things all build up and then I don’t know where to begin. They are all linked and I just need to force myself to do something. It is not that I don’t want to do these things in my concious mind, it is my body/sub concious reacting to things by getting a headache, overwhelming tiredness, can’t concentrate, crying easily, palpitations etc

I feel unnattractive, unwanted and like I am everyone’s dogsbody. I snapped at someone at work this morning because they said ‘what do you have to worry about’ and then backtracked with ‘oh you just always seem to have it together’ YES IT IS ALL AN ACT 😂

FYI I am currently sitting in my car at work in the car park because I walked out to go for a drive to clear my head and now I don’t want to go back on

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I walked out my job last year as it all got too much. I had a problem with my knee that I used as a reason to get signed off. Could you get some time off?

I think I would feel really guilty about being off sick and also then worried about everything. It’s not a good time for me to go off sick

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling like this. You sound very worn down. I mean this kindly and constructively but something that is notable in this thread is that you have found a reason to reject every piece of advice or suggestion as to how to improve things. I understand that you might have perfectly good reasons to not be able to do some of the things suggested but your attitude is very negative. That's probably unsurprising because you are feeling so fed up, but if you refuse to engage with any of the support or advice being offered then nothing will change. Ultimately you are the only one with the power to make the change. I do realise it is hard to summon up the mental and physical energy and willpower given how you are feeling but only you can do it. Even if you start with some tiny things first, if that's all you can manage, it will be a step in the right direction.

You mention in your OP that your friends are all bored of you complaining and as I have read through the thread it has made me wonder if your responses here are similar to the way you respond to your friends. If they have tried to offer support but have been met with a constant refusal to engage with it, then perhaps they have found it difficult to know what you require of them because they cannot magic things better for you any more than we can. I'm sure if they have stuck around long enough to hear your complaints they care about you but friendship is a two way street and they no doubt all have lives with things going on too. Have you tried to reach out to them to see what's going on with them lately? It sounds like you feel your friendships have drifted but it also sounds like you have perhaps moaned a lot to them and going by this thread maybe not been willing to take advice or support. Perhaps if that is the case you could reach out to them and you would find them still there. Maybe it would help you to try to have some fun with them instead of focusing on the negatives? But forgive me if I am wrong, you do say you have tried with them so perhaps they are just not very good friends.

Either way I hope things improve for you soon and I am sorry you're going through this. Perhaps if you reallly cannot summon up the willpower to make even small changes then as a PP suggested it would help to go to the GP. Best of luck.

No I get that it comes over very negative and I do appreciate people’s suggestions although some of them just aren’t what I want (a man, sex or dating).

I think I feel like some of the suggestions are too big (commitments etc) and i need baby steps

I know I need to do is look after myself fundamentally - and I’m trying to get enough sleep, eat ok and stuff

I’ve had a shit year I am not usually like this I don’t think - but this isn’t the first time I’ve been a bit lost. I do and can bounce back.
I think my friends just don’t care very much. I think mainly they have their own shit to deal with and taking on mine isn’t very appealing - it isn’t like anyone can really do anything except for me, is it? It’s my problem. Now I feel like I have burdened them I avoid them because I feel bad. No I probably am not a great friend in return right now anyway

OP go and see your GP for something to help you with your anxiety or try out Valerian tablets which you can get from any herbal shop.

Thanks I am feeling better today than I was
I am already under my GP having investigations for the palpitations and if they cannot find anything else wrong I will accept something for anxiety, but part of the anxiety is that it isn’t anxiety but a heart problem or thyroid or whatever it may be. So going down that road

Now my DD has stayed off school saying she feels sick all the time and I am worrying about that now. Always something to worry and stress about.

Work is complicated. I just need to recharge my batteries I think

I've been there. And it's hard.

The way I dealt with it was to force myself to put me first.

Some stuff doesn't get done now. Because I'm not a super human.

I also had to accept that I was the one in control of me. And the only one that could do something about it.

There is no perfect solution to your dilemma. Something has to drop off the list and not get done. You choose what that is. For me, i stopped ironing. I also stopped obsessing about my house being a show home. And at the weekends i deliberately book very little to do. And you know what? The world is still turning and the four horsemen haven't knocked on the door.

Is it normal to have birthday depression? I hate my birthday when it just seems pointless like any other day - unimportant to anyone! It’s my 40th in a couple years and that is making me feel shit too!