Cheating or not?

[Palion]

So I’m in a bit of a pickle...I’ve discovered that my partner, with whom I have two children has sneakily gone and bought a sex doll (not the whole body but just important bits to a man) and has bought underwear for it too 🤢. On top of it all he clearly measured the thing and purchased a cargo type box to keep it stored away and two padlocks to keep it locked tight. Thoughts on this? Total betrayal or just embarrassed to bring up his sex fetish? Our sex life over the past few years has been pretty one sided too...
He’s constantly talking about how we need to save money and all I spend on is the kids, but this little package cost him a lot. I haven’t yet confronted him about it

It is just masturbation. However, there are devices that would give the same feeling but with much fewer bells and whistles and the fact it's a full torso would concern me whereas something like a fleshlight wouldn't at all. It feels different, almost like a precursor to cheating.

For me this wouldn’t be about the fact he masterbates as that’s not an issue at all but that he does it to an expensive dismembered sex doll he dresses up. That would massively bother me.
I know it’s my own shit and self esteem issues but I’d be upset because I’d see it that he’d rather have sex with an inanimate, silent object he’s bought lingerie for than intimacy with me. It’s so different to a fleshlight or whatever it’s called. I wonder if that’s what’s bothering you more?

I'd be repulsed.

I think in all honesty I'd rather DH fucked another woman than a piece of plastic wearing lacy knickers. It's creepy and weird.

The thing is we do not know the OPs thoughts on her sex life with her DP. So before people start ploughing in with 'he'd rather have sex with a sex toy than me' angle - we really need to know what OP thinks of her sex life.
Is she not at all keen. ? Going through the motions less than once a month just to keep him quiet ? Completely gone off sex in all ways and not done it for months ? Years ? . Or the other side of the coin , does OP want sex more frequently than her DP does. Yet he is only interested in the toy. ? Until/if OP tells us her perception on the state of her sex life - it's really not possible to cast aspersions like 'he wants the doll more than me' when it could just as easily be 'he's got the doll because he wants me, I don't want him sexually and he is sexually frustrated but doesn't want to cheat.'.

To many permutations to call if he's being unreasonable or not EXCEPT for the money issue. THAT is definitely unreasonable if you pool your money in one family pot. If you each split bills and keep the rest to spend as you wish - then I guess it's up to him.

We have a newborn baby so I’m tired and obviously not really giving it up, but even prior to this I our sex life did slow down. I would always be the one to instigate and then...and this kind of got to me...he couldn’t finish off unless it was from behind and wouldn’t spend time ensuring I got off. Clearly there’s an ass fetish going on and I’m just feeling like he’s not into me and just wants to get his rocks off by any means possible

And some might think I’m overreacting but I do almost feel as though it’s a precursor to cheating

Utterly gross!

This guy can't win can he?! He's not cheating. It's all perfectly normal, most people masturbate.

If he was pestering you for sex after you have presumably told him how exhausted you are with your newborn he'd be called a pest.

Tell him you are spending the same amount on a treat for yourself if you are annoyed about the money!

I can see why you'd think it's similar to cheating if he's choosing this over sex with you. No further advice to give beyond that I'm afraid though :-(

Oh and go and buy yourself a top end vibrator and treat yourself to some lovely lingerie too

Can we just get an angle on how much it actually cost? Someone said $800 which seems an unlikely amount for a doll unless he’s dressing it in coco de mer!

I think this may actually be a lot more simple. You’ve just had a baby, sex is off the agenda for a while host of reasons. I’d say he doesn’t want to pressure you for sex and this is his way busting his nut.

Agree with the above, poster as well. Buy yourself something to level the playing field a bit.

You could always stick the knife in a bit and tell him that if he buys lingerie for any other purpose than your body, there will be consequences.

The doll (torso) was $600 and the special storage box he got for it was $200

Ok, I stand by everything I said above but you know what, that is absurd, there really is no need to spend that much.

I’d drag him over the coals, not for the secrecy, not for the slight wierdness of it, but for spending that bloody much.

I do think you need to teach him a lesson but not in a stroppy wife shouting and moaning, take it as an opportunity to empower yourself a bit.

Would maybe suggest taking yourself to agent provocateur with his credit card and chuck in some ridiculous shoes (cough manalo blahnik cough). Hand him the bill and tell him you’re even, and if he wants to buy lingerie, THIS is where it goes.

Cambshusband, you have talked a lot of sense. But I have to take exception to that particular way of the OP ""empowering herself" - I'm not sure buying stuff with an aim of being sexier to her DH is the best way of doing this....

I couldn't have any respect for a man who did that.

@FMITEG

It’s just a suggestion. This world is full of people being offended every second of the day like it’s some sort of requirement for modern life.

I’m very much for people turning bad things into good.

@Cambshusband
Your solution to OP's H spending money they can't afford is for her to spend more money, magically making herself more sexually attractive to a man who is fucking an inanimate object rather than her? 🤔

Given your misogynist language on just two threads I read earlier, I'm not surprised you think the world takes offence at you. It does.

You’re absolutely right, trashing their relationship and leaving him is a much better idea! Let’s throw that in the melting pot and see how it all turns out....

Offence is taken, not given, if you’re offended by everything someone says, then perhaps you need to look at why you’re so quick to jump on me.

Cambs, I personally not remotely offended. Just suggesting that your suggestion may not be the most "empowering"

@FMITEG

Absolutely, it’s a suggestion, an idea, she’s under no obligation to do it. The logical question is “if they don’t have the money, how did he afford it?” If he’s whacked it in the credit card, well then she’s entitled to play by the same rules. Whether it’s financially astute is a different matter.

Cambshusband your suggestion was like something straight out of Sex and the City 😂

I own a vibratior so would be a hypercritical cockwomble to be annoyed at my husband having a similarly anatomically correct sex toy. I don’t think it’s cheating, it’s just a convoluted wank, but I wouldn’t be happy about the secrecy/family money.

Grim. Yeah, he has a right to his sexual fetishes. But you have a right to find them repulsive.

Personally, there is NO way I could be sexually attracted to a man that used a sex doll.

I'd be annoyed over the amount spent without discussion.

However, what he's spent it on? You are seriously over reacting (And I would be hypocritical to judge also). Rather he spend £800 on a posh wank than a high class escort or something of that nature.

Can I also point out that the lockable chest I put my tools in didn’t cost $200, if nothing else, he needs a lesson in shopping about for a good deal.