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Original poster

Cheating or not?

50 replies

Palion · 17/07/2018 06:31

So I’m in a bit of a pickle...I’ve discovered that my partner, with whom I have two children has sneakily gone and bought a sex doll (not the whole body but just important bits to a man) and has bought underwear for it too 🤢. On top of it all he clearly measured the thing and purchased a cargo type box to keep it stored away and two padlocks to keep it locked tight. Thoughts on this? Total betrayal or just embarrassed to bring up his sex fetish? Our sex life over the past few years has been pretty one sided too...
He’s constantly talking about how we need to save money and all I spend on is the kids, but this little package cost him a lot. I haven’t yet confronted him about it

OP posts:
mooncuplanding · 17/07/2018 06:43

Not sure it’s cheating but there is no doubt I would be repulsed by a man who did that

Disgust isn’t a good emotion to have when it comes to your partner

Snappedandfarted2018 · 17/07/2018 06:45

Double standards tho why is it ok for woman to have vibrators in the shape of a penis and a man can’t have a sex toy?

Original poster
Palion · 17/07/2018 06:46

I am SO repulsed! And the thought that’s gone into it. He ordered it all the day before I took the kids to visit my parents knowing we’d be gone for a week. I feel sick thinking about why he’s done with this thing in our bed

OP posts:
callywags · 17/07/2018 06:48

Depends on how you feel about it OP? Everyone will come back with different opinions on it.
I wouldn't like it or be happy with it, but I'm saying that I don't own or have a vibrator either.
Are you interested in a sex life with your Dp? Is this doll taking him away from having one with you?
The main thing for me would be the money spent on it, especially if he is always having a go at you for spending on your children.
Maybe time for you t spend some money on yourself?

theredjellybean · 17/07/2018 06:49

Agree about double standards.. If a female poster came on and said her male partner was repulsed by her vibrator you'd get loads of LTB etc.
However it's the secrecy and money that would annoy me

Fivelittleduckies · 17/07/2018 06:50

Probably best to confront him about it because you’ll be hard pressed to guess his reasoning yourself. But indeed it sounds pretty offputting Confused

Original poster
Palion · 17/07/2018 06:55

It is really the secrecy and money that gets to me most. I’m a pretty open person when it comes to most things but him hiding this and spending so much money on it just pisses me right off and makes me wonder if there are other things he’s hiding. Also the fact that he bought it underwear makes me cringe. In all our years together he’s never bought me lingerie lol

OP posts:
Watda · 17/07/2018 06:56

Can you compare a vibrator to a sex doll? I’m not sure you can. I think the equivalent would be a flashlight or something like that.

If you were comparing what the OP’s husband has purchased to a male torso sex doll then that would be a fair comparison. I’ve literally never seen or heard of such a thing (although admit I’ve led a sheltered life).

RedPill · 17/07/2018 07:03

My DP has a fleshlight, doesn't really bother me. And comes in handy when I'm not down to tango Wink
Maybe ask him why he brought the doll. Might be cause he just want to fuck something without the emotional connection or having to perform.

I would let him keep it and come to an agreement on when it is/isn't appropriate to use the dolls. If you still feel the same way about the doll after a few months see if he will get rid

Original poster
Palion · 17/07/2018 07:05

I don’t think there is a comparison and I think if I had a male torso and he found it there would be hell to pay. It was an $600 (Australian $$) torso and 4 pairs of sexy lace underwear. Plus the box he bought for it was $200. I totally get everyone has their sex thing but this is kinda freaking me out hard

OP posts:
RedPill · 17/07/2018 07:07

Try not to freak out or act too repulse when you ask him why he brought it as you want him to be able to tell you his fantasies and fetishes.

Original poster
Palion · 17/07/2018 07:13

I’ve asked him a number of times over the many years together what he would like to try/do/see etc...he just never seemed interested in getting too freaky with me

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 17/07/2018 07:13

I'd be fuming about the lingerie too... But OP, and I ask gently, if he came home with sexy lingerie for you would you be thrilled and happily wear it for him (wonder if it is a thing for him?) or would you shove it in the drawer?

Maybe it's not the doll he likes but the dressing it up?

This could be a way of opening the conversation.. Say you have found it and you are curious as to what it is about it that he likes? And ask is it the lingerie?

NotTakenUsername · 17/07/2018 07:14

I wouldn’t confront him. I’d speak to him. He isn’t cheating. It is a betrayal but he hasn’t cheated per se.

If you go in with the way you are feeling now, it will be a car crash.

Take a bit of time. Honestly evaluate why you think he has done this. Try to see both sides. Then gently broach it (maybe whilst out for a walk or something, so that the conversation doesn’t get too intense.)

I would be repulsed too. But do you want to have a big fight or do you want to know what is going on with your husband?

theredjellybean · 17/07/2018 07:16

Asking about lingerie maybe a easier way into exploring his fantasy than asking directly "what do you want to try".
I know my very sexually adventurous dp would always say 'what we do now' but is always very keen to go along with things I suggest. He just finds talking about it difficult

Cambshusband · 17/07/2018 07:43

You should definitely be aware that this is just masturbation with bells on.

To be fair to him, it’s not like you can really bring up the subject of buying a sex doll over breakfast. The fact he needs to keep it locked away is a sign he’s in part, embarrassed about it, so don’t be too judgemental about him keeping it a secret.

Granted, it’s not my thing, and I don’t think my wife would be chuffed, but we’ve all got our little kinks and desires, and it’s not like he’s sticking it in another woman, and it’s not like he’s stacked away thousands of debt in gambling or drugs.

Playing devils advocate if you’d gone and bought a Sybian, would he be bothered?

You could of course take the bull by the horns and send him a message along the lines of “if you bought me lingerie I’d do more than any doll”. It breaks the topic open for conversation and you can just go from there.

Cambshusband · 17/07/2018 07:44

And for the record, it’s not cheating, not even clos

SoapOnARoap · 17/07/2018 08:49

I think you are massively over reacting

JavaJava · 17/07/2018 08:58

Another here that thinks you're over reacting. The money thing isn't great but he clearly didn't feel able to speak to you (probably anyone) about it. Its not cheating, no. Just talk to him.

dirtybadger · 17/07/2018 08:59

Definitely not cheating. Its an odd and expensive wank

I assume neither of you would normally buy something so expensive without discussing it? I would tell him that in future you would really appreciate him telling you about such big purchases. If you are having to cut back because of it, point that out.

If you act a bit pissed (rightly) about the cost he might loosen up about what it does for him. Is the sex one sided on his side or yours? If hes not interested in sex with you but has bought this then you have a problem

NotTheFordType · 17/07/2018 09:02

The fact that he's spent money on a sex doll wouldn't bother me - but the fact he's spent $800+ of family money on a luxury item purely for his own enjoyment, while telling you that you spend too much, would piss me off beyond belief.

Cawfee · 17/07/2018 09:06

😱

bastardkitty · 17/07/2018 09:06

^ this

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 17/07/2018 09:09

I would be utterly freaked, repulsed and would LTB. I know that's a strong reaction, but that's how I feel.

Cawfee · 17/07/2018 09:09

I’d be pissed off about the moaning about money but then secretly spending hundreds...that’s a bloody cheek to be honest and this whole thing would turn me right off him. So while you’re away with the kids, he’s getting his jollies with a substitute “partner” in your bed. Why can’t he get frisky with you? It’s all a bit disrespectful