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Original poster

Can a relationship sustain this?

38 replies

Passmetheredplease · 16/07/2018 23:56

NC’d for this.

Ex and I are talking about reconciliation.....he’s treated me very badly....my family are aware of the behaviour and understandably wouldn’t support us reconciling but I love him and want to make a go of things....it’s important to us that we have the support of our family but what if our families won’t support us? Can a relationship sustain our loved ones not supporting the relationship? I’ve told ex that they would come around but it will take time and patience on his part....if we make a go of it this time I want to be put my all into this and want to make sure it works....has anyone been in this situation and how did you overcome it?

OP posts:
silversfish · 17/07/2018 00:00

big mistake to go back to your ex regardless of what family think you dumped him because he treated you very badly why risk him doing it again.

Babdoc · 17/07/2018 00:03

Why do you want to go back to someone who has treated you badly, OP? Especially if your family are advising you not to?
Don’t you think you deserve a better partner than that?

ElspethFlashman · 17/07/2018 00:04

Your bar is set very low.

It should be set at someone who treats you well - who has always treated you well.

With most people, being treated like shit would be a deal breaker.

sadandtired1 · 17/07/2018 00:05

Easy to say just leave him but I'm sure you've heard that before

I don't know thr answer but I've had a friend in a similar position op. She knows she can't count on family support - since 'it' happened she despises his family and hers don't want to see him. This may change in time, like you say it might in your case.

What I will say though is that there are lots of people who don't have family to speak of (or those who have horrid family they choose not to see) and have good relationships with their partner. Plenty out there with no/little family support

Like my friend if you want this relationship to work it'll be you and your partner who make it work. You can't count on others to do it for you. And if you're wondering if you can't make it work without people who are not in your relationship helping you along are you sure you're willing to give it a go? Really?

I'd do couples counseling and individual counseling and accept it might just be the two of you without an extended family. Anything else is a bonus.

And remind your parents that while they may not support the relationship they can still continue to support you individually

Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:05

Without making excuses for him he has been through an exceptionally tough time....he did not act appropriately during this time but he’s deeply sorry and I trust that he wouldn’t do it again....I was very upset when we broke up and my family witnessed how low I felt.... I’m just hoping that in time they will be able to forgive him because I don’t want to have to segregate my family from him.

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Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:08

@sad thanks that’s very constructive....I would hope that his actions would prove to my family that he has changed....I just don’t want to be put in a position where I’m having to choose....

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BunsOfAnarchy · 17/07/2018 00:10

Are you willing to tell us in what sense he treated you badly (its hard to advise without knowing the true nature of your breakup).

However, either way I think you need to ask a different question here.
Its more a case of has he changed enough from his treating you awful days to warrant a second chance?
If hes treated you that badly that your family would strongly object a reconciliation then maybe you should think again.
Dont let him isolate you from your family. If this was a EA/DV then you should be running for the hills.

FishingIsNotASport · 17/07/2018 00:12

If he treated you very badly, as you say, how about telling him it will take sacrifice and effort on his part to reassure your family rather than time and patience? You say YOU want to put your all into it to making it work, shouldn't he be saying that not you if he's the one who caused the relationship to fail the first time around? Whenever I hear the words "but I love him", in relation to an unhealthy relationship I know there's really no reasoning with the woman saying it. I sympathise with your family.

Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:14

@burns - it was a matter of infidelity....it was during a time that I really needed him and impacted my mental health.....I want to give him a second chance....I love him very much and believe he loves me too....he’s ashamed at his actions and very remorseful....it’s important to him that our families support us so that we can be inclusive as a couple with our families

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sadandtired1 · 17/07/2018 00:14

It doesn't really matter what he's done to the op as long as it's not rape/DV etc (I'm sure we can guess. Shagging around? Sleeping with prostitues? Whatever). The op wants to make her marriage work, and is considering the impact of that on her relationship with her family.

I think if you're going to give it a shot then you have to do just that and see what happens.

If your family refuse to support you (they aren't obliged to like, see or support him) and make you choose then I'd question the value of having them in your life anyway op

sadandtired1 · 17/07/2018 00:15

It might be important to him op but he doesn't really get a choice in that does he. Is he saying he won't progress ahead unless he has the support of your parents? If so I'd tell him to jog on!

sadandtired1 · 17/07/2018 00:17

(and I think he's probably after forgiveness rather than support)

Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:17

@fishing - whilst he was the one that cheated I know that I played a part in the demise of our relationship.....I didn’t deserve what he did but he can’t be blamed for everything....we have the opportunity for a fresh start and I’m confident we can make it work....and yes, he needs to understand he has a lot of proving to do but I do agree with him that it would be far easier on ou relationship if our family support us. I am close to my family and wouldn’t want to have to segregate him from them.

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Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:19

Agree @sad he wants forgiveness and he needs to understand this isn’t always immediate but can take time

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ElspethFlashman · 17/07/2018 00:19

It may be important to him, but he lost his vote, sorry.

I wouldn't be in the same room as someone who cheated on my sister when she was going through tough times and contributed to her depression. No way. I'd think he was a prick and I wouldn't give a shit how much he wanted us all to play happy families so he could feel comfortable.

silversfish · 17/07/2018 00:19

look you broke up with him his infidelity warranted in your mind the big step of breaking up. but you did break up and your be in a relationship where one party constantly in the back of thier mind is thinking she might do it again

sadandtired1 · 17/07/2018 00:21

Op - you may have to find a way to accept that being with him means you segregate him from your family. Maybe temporarily, maybe forever. If you can't accept that you will become resentful of him/them.

Unfortunately he's done something really bad and there are consequences for both of you and it will change everything. accept that or go mad.

WeShouldBeFriends · 17/07/2018 00:24

My sister is in this situation. My parents seem to have forgiven him or have pretended to for my sister's sake. As much as she might prefer me to pretend nothing happened I absolutely cannot. To do so would be effectively saying it's okay for him to treat her like that and get away with it. It's not and you deserve better too Sad

TwinkleMerrick · 17/07/2018 00:26

In my experience, when my mum and dad didn't approve they were normally correct. Parents are good judges of characters. They know who is and isn't right for me. They live my fella now.....which is good as I have had his baby haha but I had to kiss a few frogs to find him. Maybe this one is a frog? Sorry xx

Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:29

Thanks for the insight people....I just hope that in time we can all get to a place of peace and forgiveness....id like to think we can all be in the same room without my parents wanting to kill him....he’s made a mistake and he’s deeply sorry.....perhaps I’m naive but I trust he won’t do it again....he is crushed by the guilt....I’m going to speak to my parents I think as I don’t want to just spring this on them...

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sadandtired1 · 17/07/2018 00:29

People dont have to 'pretend nothing happened' - but they either act civil towards each other or they don't.

You can acknowledge someone did something bad and not forgive them for it and still have a drink with them at the family BBQ for the sake of someone you love. It absolutely does not mean you think their bad behaviour is ok

My friends brother refuses to see her husband - meaning my friend gets punished twice. One by her adulterous husband and once by her brother for refusing to be in the same room as the husband, constantly reminding her at every family event of what happened meaning her family never move forward. I think it's pretty pathetic of the brother but I know plenty would feel the same

Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:31

@sad - that’s precisely what I want to avoid....I just hope my family love me enough to at least be civil for my sake.

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HeddaGarbled · 17/07/2018 00:32

However “important to him that our families support us” is, that isn’t his call. Why are you trying to reassure him that they will “come around”?

This sounds worryingly as if he is going to try and force you to choose him over your family if they, understandably, don’t forgive him to his preferred timescale.

SandyY2K · 17/07/2018 00:32

Is he prepared to apologise to your family? Seeing as he hurt their daughter and treated you so badly?

That might be a start...otherwise it will be tough..especially if children come along.

Original poster
Passmetheredplease · 17/07/2018 00:35

I don’t think he can be criticised for wanting forgiveness and to make things as easy as possible for me....he absolutely wants to apologise, he just wants the opportunity....he knows and recognises how badly he has messed up and he wants to face up to what he has done.....he doesn’t want me to have to choose between him and my family and just wants me to be happy

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