Can a relationship sustain this?

[Passmetheredplease]

NC’d for this.

Ex and I are talking about reconciliation.....he’s treated me very badly....my family are aware of the behaviour and understandably wouldn’t support us reconciling but I love him and want to make a go of things....it’s important to us that we have the support of our family but what if our families won’t support us? Can a relationship sustain our loved ones not supporting the relationship? I’ve told ex that they would come around but it will take time and patience on his part....if we make a go of it this time I want to be put my all into this and want to make sure it works....has anyone been in this situation and how did you overcome it?

Then you are just going to have to see what happens op. This is all rather out of your hands

Would you be happy if your DD reconciled with him OP?

@sandy - I’d trust her judgement

if he wants you to be happy why dosnt he allow you to be happily single or a new partner that the family like.

@silver - he’s not forcing me into this relationship.....I am going frack because I want to...I don’t see how that makes him a bar person?

he absolutely wants to apologise, he just wants the opportunity

To your family?

You know it's so hard seeing someone you love getting treated badly. It must have been a tough time for your family too.

I know a couple where the man cheated...he openly said he had to eat a lot of humble pie with regards to her family. He apologised to her parents and her sisters.

That was 33 years ago and they've been happily married since then.

He said having to face her dad was the hardest thing he had to do. A few years prior...her dad walked her down the aisle to him and he hurt her so badly... but her parents were open to forgiving him and they did.

She did say without their support, she didn't think she could have done it.

So it's possible to do. I know the only thing my own dad would find unforgivable is violence.... but you know your folks and family best.

Without a crystal ball... how can you be sure he won't do it again? Does he know why he did it in the first place...and how has he changed since then?

I like to think everyone can change... but not without them digging deep to find out why they behaved as they did.

he is crushed by the guilt...

Sure he is, essentially he’s saying your family needs to get over it pdq because he doesn’t want reminding that he’s been an arse. How about he earns their forgiveness by not being a twat but oh no, he wants instant forgiveness. His want for your family to get over it, is all about him and not about you, which confirms that they are probably right not to trust him.

You say he wants forgiveness OP but what has he actually DONE to demonstrate that or to make efforts/work to show he has actually changed? Has he (off his own back) gone to therapy to explore why he did what he did? A friend of mine took her cheating OH back but he had 18 months of weekly therapy. He went every single week because he wanted his wife and he had fucked up. Has yours done that? Who has he spoken to about this apart from you (in a professional sense). Has he been to your family and apologised and explained his actions? If he hasn’t done any of those things then you are being an absolute mug and wasting your life trying to squeeze a round peg in a square hole due to your own desperation. It can work after indefinite but he needs to be on his own for a while and do lots of work to prove it. Has he done that or is he just desperately running back to you because the other woman didn’t work out and he can’t be on his own for more than 5 minutes? I’m guessing you are the one who has chased him for reconciliation?

Some relationships can weather a lack of wider family endorsement. It depends what else is there. It’s hard though. I would guess that more poor relationships stay together because of family endorsement than good relationships survive despite its lack.

What certainly isn’t enough on its own, is love, especially (though not only) if that love is unequal.

Its a difficult situation. You sound like you aren’t sticking your head in the sand about the state of your relationship before he cheated, which is good. But what you are posting begs the question as to whether he is demonstrating real change to you and everyone else rather than simply showing remorse about the position he’s found himself in.

You may get back together but this version of the relationship is going to be very different from the last.

It's also going to change your relationship with your family. Forever.

Do you understand this? Is it really what you want? Love isn't always enough.

I'd strongly recommend individual counselling before you make any moves with your ex.

This is from the other side OP. I had an ex who I was madly in love with and he treated me really badly. The more I loved him the worse he got! I lost count of the other women he went with, he didn't even try to hide it in the end. He absolutely broke me heart but i kept thinking if i wait long enough he will realise! He didnt!

I never got over him, not really! Then after not seeing him for 10 years we bumped into each other and started talking. He said he'd always regretted what he'd done to me and realised what he'd lost when it was too late. We got back together almost 2 years ago and we couldn't be happier! I didn't think it would be possible to ever trust him again but i do! It's like a whole new relationship!

My family saw how he broke me and obviously their first reaction wasn't good! But now they can see how happy we are and how different things are between us and they get on brilliant with him!

I know this may not be how it always happens but it is possible! Good luck x

I just hope my family love me enough to at least be civil for my sake
That's really not fair OP. It is precisely because I love my sister I cannot bear to see her wasting her life with someone who treated her so appalling. I will support her in any and every way to leave him. I will not sit round the table with them at Christmas playing happy families. My role as her sister is to help her see she deserves better than somebody who would disrespect, humiliate, devastate and endanger her.

I completely get that ☝️ I've felt the same about some of my sister's ex's! But sometimes, on the rare occasion granted, things can be different!