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Relationships

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Original poster

How soon into a relationship do you bring up the important stuff

45 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 16/07/2018 18:31

I really don’t want children. It’s not an I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t have them it’s a very very strong opinion of mine I’ve had for a long time. My last relationship ended as my long term partner assumed I’d change my mind on this and didn’t.

In a fairly new relationship with a very nice man, I’m in my late twenties he’s early 30s. At what stage would you check you’re on the same page? I don’t want to waste his time if he’s looking for a family.
I may be a bit over cautious after my last relationship and therefore want to be open and honest but I equally don’t want him to think I’m crazy mentioning it now.
Help?

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 16/07/2018 18:34

I'd say about a year in this case?

There's no ticking clocks here.

Chocolate123 · 16/07/2018 18:36

I wouldn't leave it too long before you got really involved.

TurnipCake · 16/07/2018 18:38

I guess if you start talking about past relationships and he asks you why your last one ended?

SoapOnARoap · 16/07/2018 18:38

As others have said, a year. Anything before then would scare most people off!

MinorRSole · 16/07/2018 18:39

I agree with @Chocolate123 and I certainly wouldn't wait a year - leaving it until feelings develop is when it gets complicated. If you are very set on this, which you seem to be, then I would be upfront as soon as you feel comfortable to be.

Cherubfish · 16/07/2018 18:42

I think a year is too late for this kind of information. Maybe around 4-6 months? But I agree with pp that you could do it sooner if it happens to come up in conversation (rather than 'sitting him down for a chat'), eg why you broke up with your ex or as a natural response when someone close to you has a baby or announces a pregnancy.

Djnoun · 16/07/2018 18:44

I'd mention it immediately, casually. It doesn't have to be a serious talk. Just mention it like you would any other long term goal.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 16/07/2018 18:47

I think things like that should be out in the open fairly early on certainly well before a year. When depends on the type of relationship I guess. Fairly casual fwb with dates not important but if it’s a relationship you’ve both gone into while looking for or hoping for a long term relationship then it’s vital from the outset to know your in the same page. How many threads have there been from women finding out a year or so in when there are strong feelings involved by that point and finding out the man doesn’t want children. All these women are asked why they never had this conversation sooner.

Normandy144 · 16/07/2018 18:51

I agree with others who say do it sooner rather than later. Leave it a year and too many feelings are involved and then you get into the risk of one hoping the other might change their minds. I was about 2 months into the relationship with my now DH when we laid our cards on the table. We were 32 and 30 at the time and one of us had a previous marriage chalked up and the other had walked away from a relationship because the ex partner didn't want kids. I felt it was reasonable at that stage to talk about the future and whether marriage and kids was in it.

saintava · 16/07/2018 18:55

I waited about 4 months, I have children but don't want anymore. He doesn't have any. I didn't want to waste his time if it was something that he wanted. He didn't luckily and it wasn't a big huge conversation

Cambshusband · 16/07/2018 19:39

Straight off the bat, be upfront and truthful, dont lead the guy on if he thinks he’s heading into family making territory.

We would appreciate the honesty, trust me on that one, voice of experience

BakerBear · 16/07/2018 19:43

12 months!!!!!

Thats way too late to mention something so important. Its not fair to wait that long as feelings and attachment come way before then.

I would personally say about the 3rd or 4th date.

Cricrichan · 16/07/2018 19:46

At the beginning, it'll save yourselves a lot of hurt.

BakedBeeeen · 16/07/2018 19:50

As soon as possible. Agree with cricrichan

Mariella Frostrup gives her opinion in this week's observer column
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jul/15/i-want-a-child-in-order-to-feel-fulfilled-but-my-girlfriend-says-no

KlutzyDraconequus · 16/07/2018 19:50

Don't leave it a year, that's basing a relationship on less than solid foundations.
It should, imo, be discussed before you're officially together, dating stage or even just the chat stage before dating.

(I hate to use this phrase...)
As a guy.. I'd feel lied too and led on if someone dropped a massive bombshell like that after a year together.

TheGreatCornholio · 16/07/2018 19:51

Been there OP, my last relationship ended because he was absolutely desperate to be a dad and I do not ever want to have children.

I brought it up with my currect bf within a matter of weeks. I was aware it might have looked a bit mental but I didn't want to go through a painful break up again. Fortunately he feels the same as me!

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/07/2018 19:51

Yar I agree at the beginning . Especially as you have a strong view on it .

Mintychoc1 · 16/07/2018 19:55

in the first few weeks, definitely.

Pootlebug · 16/07/2018 19:57

Agreed on v early on. You don't have to have a massive conversation about it...just drop into conversation that one of the reasons you and your ex split up was because he wanted kids and you didn't

Racecardriver · 16/07/2018 20:00

This is the kind of thing you discuss before you go exclusive. Leaving it beyond that point would be dishonest.

fantasmasgoria1 · 16/07/2018 20:26

We had all important discussions within the first month.

withouttea · 16/07/2018 20:34

I think bring it up very early on too, so it's not a specific thing to any potential partner. It doesn't have to be a very serious conversation. Lots of people will feel the same.

I do have a child, but I told DH2 I didn't want any more children very early on - on one of the first few dates. It was significant because he's not a father, and I was just about young enough to have another baby. He went off and thought about it a bit and decided that on balance he was ok with it.

If he'd decided that was a deal breaker, I suppose we would have just gone our separate ways. Our hearts weren't engaged at that stage, so that would have been disappointing, but not the terrible wrench it would have been after a year, when we'd started building a life together.

Mol1628 · 16/07/2018 20:36

Straight away. Just build it into conversation doesn’t have to be a big serious talk.

Lottapianos · 16/07/2018 20:39

Hi lastqueen, I was in a very similar position in my mid 20s. I didn't want children and was fairly sure he felt the same but needed to be sure. We had the hypothetical marriage and babies conversation about 6 months in and it turned out we were on exactly the same page for both.
Go for it and good luck! And well done for not leaving this conversation until 6 weeks before the wedding like someone I know

SuperSuperSuper · 16/07/2018 20:41

Do it soon, before you fall for each other. Something will precipitate a natural conversation about babies - a friend's birth announcement or seeing a tiny newborn in a cafe, that kind of thing.

Or, as a pp said, casually ask him why he separated from his most recent ex and hope he then asks you the same question!

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