How soon into a relationship do you bring up the important stuff

[lastqueenofscotland]

I really don’t want children. It’s not an I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t have them it’s a very very strong opinion of mine I’ve had for a long time. My last relationship ended as my long term partner assumed I’d change my mind on this and didn’t.

In a fairly new relationship with a very nice man, I’m in my late twenties he’s early 30s. At what stage would you check you’re on the same page? I don’t want to waste his time if he’s looking for a family.
I may be a bit over cautious after my last relationship and therefore want to be open and honest but I equally don’t want him to think I’m crazy mentioning it now.
Help?

With my precious boyfriend I left it for a few years because the conversation never seemed to be at the “right” time. In hindsight, I think I knew the answer and just didn’t want to face up to the truth.

With this partner, I asked him on our second date if he wanted children. Didn’t want to go further down the line if he didn’t want what I did. Luckily our views aligned.

I would say in the first month or two. I would think that might be deal breaker territory for many people, so if you know how you feel, get it out there so you both can make decisions about if the relationship is right for you.

Thank you all. Wise words!
Now to word it and not sound crazy

There's nothing crazy about it. He will be glad that you're taking the relationship seriously and wanting to find out if you have a future together. It's entirely sensible and understandable

Nothin crazy about it

With my partner now, I said “I guess we should be grown ups and have a conversation about where we both see our lives heading in the future.... is children / marriage something you want long term?”

Just drop it into conversation. Rather them than me! type of responses of kids are discussed. You don't need a deep and meaningful yet, but give him enough info to guide him to the point you aren't interested at the moment/ever. I'd be a bit freaked if a guy I was getting to know started laying down the future, I'd see it as a bit of pressure.

It shouldn't be hard, it should be easy to ask..
"So you're 30+ how come no kids?"

Simple.

Each to their own. Holy crap I'd have been scared off if someone said this:

With my partner now, I said “I guess we should be grown ups and have a conversation about where we both see our lives heading in the future.... is children / marriage something you want long term?”

In the early weeks. I'm pretty sure he would too. But there are ways of getting that point across...not least if you discuss it v early you can talk about whether you want children in the abstract. Once you are more certain about each other you are taking about not whether you want children but whether you want them together

I'd go against the grain, if I knew my prospective girlfriend was not going to have children, then it wouldn't have got past the odd date - so, straight away for me.

by that I mean once it became serious, ie if there was talk about moving in etc.

Within the first few months. This issue is a deal breaker, which is why it’s so important to be honest, straightforward and up-front about it.

I’m child-free by choice, and while that’s normal for me, it most certainly isn’t the norm for most people.

Please dont wait a year! Thats too long.
Anything thats life changingly important should always be mentioned before anything gets serious. Otherwise youre not fundamentally on the same page or the same path to the future. Its rhe same with marriage. Be straight and tell him why last relationship ended
If you have opposing beliefs on any of these then

I don't get why the onus is on the OP to initiate the kids conversation. If he wants kids, and it's a deal breaker, why hasn't he brought it up?

Planning on having kids is not the default setting. Some people want them, some don't. She's not leading him on by not telling him she doesn't want them. Why would he assume she did want them?

I don't get why the onus is on the OP to initiate the kids conversation.

Rightly or wrongly the default position for most people in a couple is to marry and have kids I would imagine. As OP is going against the default 'Normal' position, it should be her to bring it up.

Not everyone wants to get married. If someone I'd been dating less than a year asumed, without discussion, we were heading towards marriage I'd run a mile. It's up to both parties to say what they want? You can't just assume stuff.

Yep, at the beginning - do it soon, make it lighthearted but make it clear you are serious. Something like talking about places you’d like to travel to ‘I can’t wait to see x, y and z, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned before but I don’t want children so I’ll be able to do lots of travelling, what about you where do you fancy going? Leaving it a year seems very unkind to you both - you can really fall for someone in a year, only to find you want completely different things.

I asked DP if he wanted children ‘and not just hypothetically at some point but as in really want them and within the next few years?’, on our second date. Definitely not good dating advice but I very much want children, was (am) running out of time and was on the verge of going down the donor route alone. I really couldn’t be bothered messing around with someone who didn’t want the same things. I did a lot of things ‘wrong’ when I met DP as in didn’t exactly play by the rules, was probably far too honest and blunt about stuff but the result is the best relationship I’ve ever had so I can’t help be glad of it.

As soon as possible. Remember, it’s someone else’s life too. I’d be gutted if I was seeing someone for a whole year and found out they wanted something completely different. They could see it as a complete waste of a year.

I would do it as soon as possible before feelings are involved. I would just blurt out a joke like "Haha you know what I hate more than this weather? ....Ankle biters." As soon as he laughs, just press that you're serious/not the motherly type.

I'd mention it asap. Give him a chance to choose for himself what to do about your relationship.

You need to discuss it now.