Am I being too harsh?

[trashcanjunkie]

So quick backstory;

I’m 40 and my dh is 44. We got married a year ago after five years in a relationship. We lived together for two years befor we married. I have three dc’s from previous partners. The eldest is 21 and not at home. He has never lived with us as a couple. The younger to are twins aged 13.
Dh has a lovely relationship with the twins and they adore him.

When I met my dh I was self employed as a dog walker. It meant I had time to be a housewife and single mum whilst earning just enough to keep afloat. He has a really high pressure job working in mental health. Three years ago changed career to something very demanding but also a job I love and it’s well paid.

The issue is we are not on the same page with a few things such as house work and discipline for the children. Dh believes the children should be punished if they don’t do their chores - I don’t agree and so it doesn’t happen, but I am awareness he’s becoming resentful. He checks one of their rooms every time they have gone to stay at their dads and then comes to me annoyed about what he’s found. Today it
Is that dc has left an iPad and some rechargeable batteries plugged in and they are hot. Dc won’t be back til Monday. How bad is this? And why is it my fault? He struggles with my approach to housework. I’d rather just everyone muck in when it needs doing, and I don’t mind if it builds up in between -like laundry. He wants it all done. My view is that it’s not ever going to be all done - this is a marathon not a sprint. For a while
I thought if I stayed on top of everything more tightly he’d be happier but I came to realise tht whatever I did wasn’t enough and he would find some other thing I feel stressed, miserable or anxious about. Today I’ve called him out on it (again) but this time I have squarely put thre responsibility back to him. I’ve said I’m not jumping through domestic hoops. My philosophy is do the minimum possible to keep things running smoothly. Be efficient basically. I’ve said that if this carries on he will end up wanting to leave, which he agreed with. I said if he wanted to l leave because I didn’t do the laundry enough that was crap. His answer in the past is to do the jobs, but he then felt taken advantage of.
I keep saying I will do them, but there’s only so much of me and I always do the best I can. I will get to it! He doesn’t want a cleaner (I do). Really I think he has his own issues to address with his view point on life generally- he always sees the negative in situations. I am a natural optimist. I said today I would consider any options - even living separately. He said he didn’t want that. I feel like the next six to eight years are basically about getting the dcs to an independent stage and then domestic life will become easier. The twins will totally help if reminded or asked, which I think is fine, eventually they might even do it without prompting, but for now I’m happy that they are compliant, polite and respectful.

Oops -massive post

Does he pulled his weight fully?

I thought you said they have a lovely relationship with them and they adore him? That won't carry on for much longer if he carries on like that!

Does he employ you as a housekeeper? Sounds like a control thing - everything has to be immaculate, done by you of course. Tbh I couldn't live like that. Can you!

Tricky one. It's not really about cleaning, it's about control and very different outlooks on life. I strongly suspect if all was domestic perfection, he would find something else to niggle about -ie he probably struggles to be happy and live in the moment regardless. Counselling? Otherwise find a more laidback partner.

So when they don't do their chores, what do you do?

The I couldn't live with someone that said 'I don't believe in that rule, so it doesn't happen'.

It leaves the other person a put up or shut up position.

He sounds very immature if he is snooping to find something to complain about!! Like a teen snitching on a sibling.
Not an attractive quality imo.

He’s clearly not in their rooms to do their laundry or anything of any use, so tell him to stay out and respect their privacy.

He sounds like an arse.

I think he worries the plugs might catch fire. It’s mostly anxiety driven. He doesn’t get at them about it - he’ll come and speak with me. Initially I felt I should tackle the dc, (by initially I mean when it was first happening) then I took the view that it was his problem so he should speak to the dc in question. He wanted advice about how to do this - which I gave - along the lines of put effort in at the right place, ie help dc to find systems to make sure things happen as they should, not ‘telling them off’ when they haven’t done it. That’s when we understood we had different ideas about raising dcs. I considered his view - if you do/don’t do this then you lose x-box time and I don’t agree. The dcs get home at about half three. Dh gets in at about five. I get in about seven. Dh went through a phase of coming in from work and doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast and after school snacks and then cooking dinner. He’d get frustrated that the dcs were killing about on various devices but would say nothing until after they’d gone to bed and I’d need to winkle out of him what was wrong. He’s also done ‘going on strike’ which I knew was happening but I felt this was passive aggressive and told him so. That stopped but we have revisited all scenarios (him doing everything before I get chance/me doing everything to ‘keep him happy’ except it didn’t/ him going on strike and feeling miserable)

It’s all quite passive aggressive and or quiet misery. He’s said after tonight’s discussion that I am completely reasonable in what I’ve said and he acknowledges it’s about him and his own issues - I think he believes that, but he has no realistic strategies to address this. I pointed out that we’d been to counselling and stopped because he didn’t think it helped and more so had decided we couldn’t afford it. I had really pushed to get him there and the counsellor had very much picked up on this being more his issue than ours. Then he didn’t want to go. I said that we’d reach crisis again. He says shite like ‘I’ll try harder’. The last few weeks things have degraded again. I have called him out in the gentler ways in the past. Now I’m being very direct and it’s hurting him. I’ve said I’m not being rude, ilu kind or abusive - it’s just he doesn’t like what he’s hearing, which is that he’s being controlling by way of passive aggressive behaviour and I’m making all of it - the dcs nagging, the punishment thing (which is not ever gonna happen) the bedroom checking, the bizarre approach to chores and domesticity.

I nearly feel sorry for him, except this is what fucking happens isn’t it? We feel sorry, crush our own requirements and build our own resentment. Well. Not me.

Sorry - in answer to shortstuff- if I come in and the chores aren’t done I generally pop my head in the bedroom door and say ‘hi how’s your day been? In ten minutes all hands on deck please’ and then i say what needs done (bins out/kitchen tidied/dogs walked) and they say which they’d prefer (one usually prefers kitchen so the other does dogs and bins) and while that goes on I’ll do putting on laundry. I also get them to help out away laundry or whatever needs done and keep their rooms tidy. There’s rarely any complaints and they usually do it to a good standard. Sometimes that’s not the case and I ask for them to come and sort which they always do. Basically they’re good boys who do as they’re told. They are no problem at school and do plenty of activities out of the house (sports) so I think they’re doing grand. Imposing rules and punishment such as if I come in and abc hasn’t happened then there will be xyz punishment means my limited time with my kids is spent negatively haranguing them. Getting them on board and mucking in together is my way. They aren’t defiant or naughty or rude so I feel it works.

It isn't safe to leave things plugged in if they heat up though. I don't blame him for checking on that. They're plenty old enough to know about fire safety and have responsibility for switching off plugs.

He could remind them of their chores and I assume they'd do it if asked?

Before it gets out of hand I think you should insist on having a cleaner. See it as a test of whether he relaxes more if the house is tidier. You never know...

I wish my child did what your kids do. You'd have no complaining here!

How do you think your children will become independent if they don’t learn to take responsibility for their actions/ inaction, consequences are an important part of learning that lesson. How bad is leaving a device charging for an extended period, especially in this heat? House burning down bad but how will they learn that this if your response is to shrug your shoulders.

You are the biological parent and therefore you should be taking the parenting lead and I can totally understand your partner’s frustration, especially your ‘suck it up or leave’ overtures.

Unless there’s going to be compromise (getting a cleaner doesn’t solve the issue of responsibility) on both sides, then resentment will kill this relationship long before your kids leave home.

I agree with gadgets being plugged in from safety point of view. They overheat and can be dangerous.

I agree with you on everything else. He needs to chill out.

Hmmm are you sure about the overheating or is he making that up to point score? I’m sceptical. We are a very tech savvy house with multiple iPads/devices and they are all left plugged in for a majority of the time, sometimes for days because honestly, who can be bothered to keep checking on that when life is being enjoyed. Never at any time, with any iPad, even after days of being plugged in, has anything been hot. These things are designed not to do that.
I’d be wary if I was you because it sounds like he’s making stuff up just to have something to moan about. Take that iPad, plug it back in somewhere he can’t see and check it.
If it’s overheating, it probably needs replacing and if it isn’t then you’ve got a whole different conversation on your hands

Would the dc listen if he were to come in and say ‘all hands on deck’ or do they only do it for you?

The plugs of iPads do get hot.

It just sounds like he needs a bit more confidence to prompt the kids to do their jobs. It probably is frustrating if he comes in from work and there are things that need doing, he’s then just waiting for you to come and give them a nudge. It sounds like he’s trying not to over step the mark on the parenting side.
I am very like you in my attitude to household stuff but my partner really likes order. We’ve both had to compromise, he can’t bear the living room being messy so I make a real effort to keep on top of that and not leave my stuff everywhere/encourage the kids to tidy up, but the washing gets done on a weekend etc.

The dcs would totally muck in if he asked - and they will remember for a few days before things slip and they need reminders. They have never refused to help. With regard to one of them leaving stuff plugged in - I don’t know that dp is actually direct about what he’s saying to the dc. He was relaying the conversation which went like ‘it isn’t the best idea to leave them plugged in’. I think he needs to be saying something like ‘do not leave these plugged in’ and not say anything else so it’s clear and direct. When I do that there no confusion and I do t ask for unreasonable things so it happens usually. My approach if things don’t go that way is to understand why. The plugs are an example - if we had a permanent ‘charging area’ where dcs could plug in and leave for the weekend and we could unplug when charged, then that’s the problem solved. Why would I want to punish them when I cane work together with them to find solutions instead? It means they learn the same -
Blaming them and punishing them won’t achieve the outcome. we talk about what’s gone wrong and how to fix it and the dcs respond positively to this.

Agent Johnson just to be clear - there is no shoulder shrugging, I have a solid parenting philosophy that I have good results from. I am saying I feel dh’s Issues are mainly driven by his own anxiety, which moved from household chores to what the dc have or haven’t done and to address it with them he gives unclear messages which aren’t effective and I don’t particularly support.

I have t thought about him leaving the marriage- more just exploring what living arrangement would work if he feels too miserable with how things are here

I have not thought about (typo tastic sorry)

Today I came home and dc had tidied his room without being asked - dh had asked him to walk the dogs, which he had done.

Your dcs sound like angels to be honest. Your DH would have a shock living with 80% of teenagers I think. Why doesnt he want a cleaner?

I don’t know the answer, Op.
My exDP used to try and do the same. He is now an ex.

I think he needs to reset his expectations with your kids, they won't remember to do things, it really isn't their priority at the moment, so as long as they are doing things when reminded, I think you can count that as winning, definitely not deserving of punishment.

Hi OP

The reason he is coming to you about your children's behaviour is because you have made it quite clear that his views on parenting are irrelevant and it is your way or the highway. As such he is telling you about issues (such as potentially a big fire cause by carelessness) so you can parent your children.

It seems that your expectations are a bit off in that you expect him to parent (by telling your dc's what to do) but not allowing him a voice in your parenting strategy. That isn't going to work I'm afraid.