Am I being too harsh?

[trashcanjunkie]

So quick backstory;

I’m 40 and my dh is 44. We got married a year ago after five years in a relationship. We lived together for two years befor we married. I have three dc’s from previous partners. The eldest is 21 and not at home. He has never lived with us as a couple. The younger to are twins aged 13.
Dh has a lovely relationship with the twins and they adore him.

When I met my dh I was self employed as a dog walker. It meant I had time to be a housewife and single mum whilst earning just enough to keep afloat. He has a really high pressure job working in mental health. Three years ago changed career to something very demanding but also a job I love and it’s well paid.

The issue is we are not on the same page with a few things such as house work and discipline for the children. Dh believes the children should be punished if they don’t do their chores - I don’t agree and so it doesn’t happen, but I am awareness he’s becoming resentful. He checks one of their rooms every time they have gone to stay at their dads and then comes to me annoyed about what he’s found. Today it
Is that dc has left an iPad and some rechargeable batteries plugged in and they are hot. Dc won’t be back til Monday. How bad is this? And why is it my fault? He struggles with my approach to housework. I’d rather just everyone muck in when it needs doing, and I don’t mind if it builds up in between -like laundry. He wants it all done. My view is that it’s not ever going to be all done - this is a marathon not a sprint. For a while
I thought if I stayed on top of everything more tightly he’d be happier but I came to realise tht whatever I did wasn’t enough and he would find some other thing I feel stressed, miserable or anxious about. Today I’ve called him out on it (again) but this time I have squarely put thre responsibility back to him. I’ve said I’m not jumping through domestic hoops. My philosophy is do the minimum possible to keep things running smoothly. Be efficient basically. I’ve said that if this carries on he will end up wanting to leave, which he agreed with. I said if he wanted to l leave because I didn’t do the laundry enough that was crap. His answer in the past is to do the jobs, but he then felt taken advantage of.
I keep saying I will do them, but there’s only so much of me and I always do the best I can. I will get to it! He doesn’t want a cleaner (I do). Really I think he has his own issues to address with his view point on life generally- he always sees the negative in situations. I am a natural optimist. I said today I would consider any options - even living separately. He said he didn’t want that. I feel like the next six to eight years are basically about getting the dcs to an independent stage and then domestic life will become easier. The twins will totally help if reminded or asked, which I think is fine, eventually they might even do it without prompting, but for now I’m happy that they are compliant, polite and respectful.

I think you need to share more of your authority/approach to parenting with your DH, before he reaches a point where he gets too fed up with your 'my way or the highway' approach. These things matter to him and it's his house too. More compromise?

While I agree with a PP that about control and very different outlooks on life, it seems to me that the two adults in the household are not pulling together, indeed as PP says,

@trashcanjunkie says My philosophy is do the minimum possible to keep things running smoothly. Be efficient basically While makes me wonder who is deciding what is required for smooth running

As for the children, its a bit disingenuous to say on one hand Dh believes the children should be punished if they don’t do their chores - I don’t agree and so it doesn’t happen and then to ask And why is it my fault? about something the DC have done that he would not countenance.

Although in the title , you are asking 'am i too harsh', throughout the text you are very clear that he is wrong, just wrong on everything, your kids are great, just need firm handling and you, you are the ultimate arbiter.

It's not obvious to me what he is getting from this set up, I would not want to live like that. It is a truth universally acknowledged that living with children is not easy, living with step children is a minefield. It can only work if the adults involved have each other's backs. I read nothing that suggests that you do have each other's backs. That you can decide between you what will happen on each point of contention and then absolutely go with it, not undermine each other, him by inspecting their rooms and telling tales, you by saying if you don't agree with him, it doesn't happen.

Who would want to live like that?

Have you ever talked about who does what around the house, how the chores are split? He tries to do everything and gives up, you are happy to do it at your own pace. Where is the sense of talking about it, first privately and then including the DC, about how things are going to run around here? If it smacks of a flat share, then, yes, it is one way for a group of adults to agree, then either stick to it or move out.

And for the DC to learn to take a bit of responsibility too and not rely on being cajoled to do their share.

but I came to realise that whatever I did wasn’t enough
There you have it.
He will always move the goal posts.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough.
It's no way to live.
And he's negative.
So what now?
Would he agree to get some counselling?

The plugs are an issue and they are a fire risk, so your DC do need daily reminders about that.

For the rest they sound fab, the housework is getting done and there is no rational reason to change how things are set up. You need to discuss and agree standards, and if you can't, then your relationship doesn't have a future. I couldn't live with your H, sorry.