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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Works with EX EA

33 replies

1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 20:00

Hi ladies. I have been reading for a while. You all seem to have some pretty good advice and I hope that you can help.

Cutting a 1 year story very short.

DH had emotional affair at work. After lots of issues he ended it.

I spoke to her for about 2 hours in total and told her exactly how it was. Root cause etc etc

She chose not to believe me .

She is also choosing not to leave things alone.

He is very professional with her now and she hates it.

Thing is, she Is married with children. She lied to me and told me that he knows but he doesn’t.

Still messaging or finding reasons or causing issues to be able to communicate at work. Luckily he is now being honest again but how do we free ourselves from this? He can’t leave just yet, for many reasons but intends to. In the meantime, it is incredibly difficult.

I can’t go much into the hell that I have been through and just need this to be over.

Any advice?

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 15/07/2018 20:04

To be honest i would be filing a complaint with HR about harassment if all that is true.

Even though they had a thing, its over now and she hasn't moved on and is still causing issues in the workplace for him so i would be filing the complaint and telling her i was doing so.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 15/07/2018 20:05

She is obviously a very unhappy woman and in love with your husband. This won't end for you until he leaves that job or she does. What is so important he can't leave.

You seem very angry with her compared to him. How do you know it was only emotional. Some might tell you to tell her husband but I think that is cruel.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 20:10

I don’t have any anger to be fair.

I feel that she has issues for sure. I just can’t get my head around how someone can think that they are in love when they don’t even know someone. They spent zero time out of work and minimal time in work. Mostly messages. Some where she took her clothes off.

I have been through hell with him. Please don’t think that he’s sailing through. I’m just cautious of going into too much detail in a public forum. We are at the beginning again after 17 years. He knows exactly where we are.

He can’t leave as he is on a position/ industry where there aren’t many roles available, not even similar and we have financial commitments. We have talked through many options and for now we have to push on. There is something in the pipe line but it should be another 3-12 months.

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 15/07/2018 20:11

He needs to speak to HR.

Yes, he helped create this mess. But, if he has made it clear that it's over and she is harassing him, HR is the way to go.

Shortstuff08 · 15/07/2018 20:12

Without sounding harsh, they knew eachother well enough to ha e an emotional affair. So yes she could believe or could be in love with him.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 20:12

Ps HR where involved as she chose to tell others who raised it with HR. Once we thought that it was done we left it. I guess it’s an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 20:13

It was very superficial. Not based on anything truthful or meaningful. This is what I told her when I spoke to her. It was make believe

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 15/07/2018 20:16

Not based on anything truthful or meaningful. This is what I told her when I spoke to her. It was make believe

But to her it was. The man she knew may not have existed, but she has known that version your husband better than she knows you.

She clearly feels deeply for the man that she thinks your dh is.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 20:20

She has a husband and children. The grass is always greener where you water it.... the route of her unhappiness is not my husband. Her focus should not be something that did not exist.

I can’t go into detail but a lot of other things have come my way over this past year, from her. I just want her to go away now. Enough is enough. I did go to the police but due to lack of traceability, nothing could be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 20:30

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

What would or did you do?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 15/07/2018 21:00

OP - it’s not your mess, you didn’t create it, it’s not for you to manage it.
You are way over invested in this.
Why would you have a discussion with the OW about whether her feelings were real??? What did you hope to achieve.

Your H isn’t a victim here; he doesn’t need protection; or someone else to be fighting his battles.
Let your H deal with it. Report to HR, or not.

In reality - all he needs to do is to continue to ignore and be professional.
She’ll eventually stop contacting him.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 21:07

We both thought that she would give up eventually but she hasn’t. It is his mess, I agree, however, we are married and I made the choice to ride this storm with him. Whilst he continues to be honest, it becomes my stress and my business too and whilst stressful, I prefer this to any form of deceit.

Getting through this is part of rebuilding. I just didn’t think that it would be so prolonged.

OP posts:
Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 21:11

Oh, and she rang me. I gave her the benefit of doubt and was understanding and honest.

Guess it was a waste of my time and energy.

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 15/07/2018 21:13

He strung the woman along. Fed her lies for an ego boost. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop being over because he says so. He got emotionally involved and there is always consequences.

HE needs to speak to HR again. If they were involved before, it should be easy. Assume he has proof that she is harrassin g you both (and you have seen this) and she doesn't have any evidence that he is contacting her?

He needs to tell HR he will involve the police if she continues this harassment.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 15/07/2018 21:15

Yes, definitive proof.

I guess I’m the soft one, do take into consideration that she may be hurt and has children and a husband:

If only she had afforded me the same.

OP posts:
Olikingcharles · 16/07/2018 00:06

Firstly I think you are far to invested in listening to her and what has it achieved? Next you have no idea how this woman feels and assuming she couldn't love your husband because you don't think any of it was real is rather simplistic imo. Just because nothing physical happened doesn't mean it wasn't real. She clearly has strong feelings for your husband and to be fair your husband probably at some point had feelings for her....may still but is pushing them aside to try to save your marriage. Please don't dismiss the feelings involved on both sides they could come back to bite you. Anyway as others have said it's your husbands mess to fix he needs to contact HR. You need to step back unless she is contacting you directly.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 16/07/2018 05:46

Wow! You are making so many assumptions. I guess that’s my fault for being unable to go into as much detail as I would like to.

There is no ‘saving’ my marriage.

There is no dismissing feeling.

Just reality.

So besides going to HR I guess no one has any other advice.

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 16/07/2018 06:06

Does her husband know about this? If not, maybe that's the wake-up call she needs. She should be focusing on her own marriage - not pining after someone else's husband who has made it clear he isn't interested.

PuddinginPerth · 16/07/2018 06:12

Tell her that you intend telling her husband, her family, her neighbours. Why tell HR? They aren't going to care.

I would tell her husband without warning her; create so much drama in her life that she leaves your husband alone.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 16/07/2018 06:12

No he doesn’t know :-/

I think he should know and I have thought about it. I think about the children too, knowing that no matter how much we tried to shelter and protect, they still pick up on things. Friends have told me that is her problem but I do worry for them.

I also know how it feels, can I be the person to give someone that news? I just don’t know....

OP posts:
category12 · 16/07/2018 06:21

Telling her dh won't make her go away. It might make things worse and certainly won't protect her dc.

I'd concentrate on your dh finding other work. Could he work in a related field, or get a transfer?

And I realise you need to believe it was meaningless etc, but that's what it is, needing to believe that.

Original poster
1unhappymum · 16/07/2018 06:31

I have enough information to know that is wasn’t based on self respect, respect for each other, trust, truth, real life, caring, thought, life in general etc etc

Call it what you want tbh. It’s neither here nor there. The way she has conducted herself since is not normal or acceptable by most people’s standards. As I said, I can’t say publicly as it would be easy for other to identify the person.

There is something in the pipeline. It is just going to take time for it to happen unfortunately.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/07/2018 06:33

Advice? He should remain professional with her

Not be alone with her.

He could write her a no contact letter. Making it clear that any communication beyond necessary work matters eill be viewed as harassment.

If her DH knows ... that's by yoiu telling him...she's less likely to bother your H...as she'll have more burning issues to deal with at home.

Affairs thrive on secrecy...always inform the OBS. It sheds light on it and quenches it.

POPholditdown · 16/07/2018 06:35

Hi OP

You’ve mentioned they spent minimal time
in work so can he not just block her from
his personal communication (and you from yours?)

I know you can’t give more detail and you’ve already said he can’t leave work just yet, but can he atleast take some time off? I had an EA many years ago, similarly no time spent outside of work etc. Even though I stopped all communication completely, the ‘feelings’ didn’t end until I left the job.

It will likely (hopefully) be the same for her when he does leave, out of sight out of mind.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 16/07/2018 06:42

You sure things didn’t become physical? It seems like you’re putting a lot of the focus on her and very little heat on you’re dh who was also compliance in this.

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