Toxic sister, please help!!!

[Bekiboom]

Hey everyone. This is my first post on here and I really need help. My sister has been in an abusive controlling relationship for over a year. She has pulled me and my parents through hell and back. She helped to split up me and my partner for a while by playing with problems she knew we were having. We are now back together. She has seen my one year old a handful of times. Her latest thing is that apparently I have told her that my partner is abusing me and has had me against a wall with my throat. This necer happened and wasn't ever said by me. She has blatantly refused to apologise to me or my partner for saying this and stands by what she has said. My parents want her to be god parent to my child because they aren't comfortable with her not being and also want me to just drop it and move on. They keep throwing out that I am using my little one as a weapon but I am really uncomfortable having my son around someone who has multiple times tried to tear my family apart. She is nasty and is most definitely lying about this. I can't understand why my family are pressuring me and my partner to just forget about it and that they don't think she should apologise even though they have said themselves they don't believe that my partner has or ever would treat me that way?

Am I going crazy? Am I in the wrong here? I just don't think it's fair she can carry on slandering my partner, and in turn me for allowing someone like that to be around my child and I just have to deal with it.

It hurts me that people will say that I am using my child as a weapon when I am just trying to protect him from all this

Please help. Thank you so much

It’s your child, you get to choose the godparents, not your parents. Are they quite mad?!

I’d go nc with your sister, she sounds batshit.

Cut all contact with her. She will never change so you must.

Block and delete all social media, change your phone number or block her number, return any mail unopened etc.

She was lovely girl before this relationship and that is the guilt trip I keep getting. That she will come back and change and I will regret it. Also, if I try to keep my son away from all this nonsense then I am "using him as a weapon". My parents are making this so difficult by saying when it happened it deserved an apology and that they were embarassed, but now they dont think we do deserve an apology. My had is just so screwed up over this

I must add here that I am 24 and she is 18 and in a controlling, violent, drug related relationship though she is adamant she doesn't do the drugs and I believe her on that

I can't understand why my family are pressuring me and my partner to just forget about it

they can't bear what she has become.

The claim that your partner has strangled you means that either 1) your parents believe her and should be telling you to get OUT or 2) they don't believe her but want to sweep it under the carpet.

You know, they know and your partner knows that they can't bear what is happening to your sister and that they want you to be patient and forgiving because they hope, hope, hope that she will come back to them.

But you can't go along with sucking it up. You can't trust her; you know you can't. She is terribly young but also lost right now, and that's a bad place to be trusting her with being godmother especially since she made this claims.

Unfortuantely, your parents' statement that you are using your son as a weopon is sliding heavily into manipulation. That is a choice they have made, sadly. Out of desperation and because they can't speak openly to your sister, their other daughter, but it's still manipulation. It's ruthless and unfair and it's got to hurt a lot.

I think your best bet is to say to them openly that you love them and you love your sister, but that the relationship she's in is very bad for her and you all know it. But making claims your partner is physically abusing you is something that is serious, it shows how badly astray she is, and since it didn't happen but she's still claiming it, then you need to protect yourself, your baby and your partner so no, she's not going to be godmother. It's a shame but your baby and her safety and your own happiness has to come first.

If your sister ever wants real help or to break free, you will be there for her. But you have to lead your own life and your baby and partner and happiness come first.

My parents have said to me that they don't believe that my partner has or would ever intentionally hurt or abuse me

I wondered if there were drugs involved, and, what do you know, there are. You must be deluded if you believe she's not taking them. Also, since when did grandparents get to choose godparents? They are overstepping a boundary there.

You simply can't reason with or predict a lose cannon like your sister. I have one similar and have been NC for 30 years!! She would lie as a matter of course, accuse anyone who didn't comply with her demands of sexual assault (either of her or of her son). Accused an innocent man of rape, which resulted in her receiving a police caution. My DM kept up contact, as did my siblings, much longer than I, but we're all NC with her now.

Your priority is your little family. Do not be sucked into the chaos. She has told terrible lies about you and your partner and she will do it again. She may even accuse your DP of assaulting her - there are honestly no depths some people will not plunder to project their pain onto others.

You are not crazy, you are not wrong, you are doing what you should be doing; protecting your little family from this toxic woman. Honestly, I wonder if there's something odd about me sometimes as I had no problems whatsoever, no guilty conscience etc, about cutting my sister out of my life. My family is my priority, end of.

And the day before she claimed that he had done that to me, both me and my partner helped my parents in helping to get her out of that flat she lives in with him. We went over (even with members of my partners family and friends) with police escort and removed her and all of her belongings. We were among the first to respond alongside my parents. I stayed with her that night at my mums, told her to forget all the bad stuff between us but that it couldn't happen again. We stayed up most of the night talking. Being sisters. The next day she went back to her boyfriend and accused me of telling her that my partner had had me against a wall with my throat.

She keeps going after my relationship and trying to destruct my family, this has happened multiple times, she has told him that I stalk him and he can't trust me, that I have lads coming over the back wall to sleep with me, and my parents are still just expecting me to drop it

I just don't know how to respond especially when both my parents and my sister are telling me that I'm 100% wrong in this. They are making me feel crazy, like I am making too much out of this but my gut is saying that I need to protect my family and more specifically, my son.

Sounds like she is very envious of your life. And your dps can't face the fact she is a bloody nightmare!
Keep your dc safe. If that means nc with dsis and dps then so be it...

I must say to you all, I don't think she is a monster. I am crazy mad with her right now but I don't think she would ever be this malicious had she not met her boyfriend. It has changed her. She is my sister and I will love her no matter what till the day I die. Im struggling with the fact my parents won't accept my side of things. They don't think we deserve an apology for this

We decided no siblings because they weren't religious and they already have blood ties, we went for friends who we knew would support them in addition to any family support. This of course only works if you rule out siblings on your dp's side too.

On a side note, my relationship with my parents is at an all time low. my partner was kissed in town (he didnt inistigate and went home immediately after) and didnt tell me about it until I had already found out through someone else, my mum went behind my back to my sister who I wasnt even talking to at the time and told her that my partner had been cheating on me. Knowing full well that for the last year she had used any ammunition to hurt me or break up mine and my partners relationship. I didn't receive an apology for this. I have been called a liar to my face which also got brushed under the carpet.

I feel like I am not allowed to feel pain, I am not allowed to be hurt by their actions and when I stick to my guns and say how I feel and try to get some sort of response for their actions, even just an acknowledgement that they did something wrong, I am making a big deal about things or carrying on arguments that don't need to be had. Yet everyone of my mistakes is held onto like gold dust. Even after I apologise and dragged up at every opportunity.

We have never been like this before this thing with my sister kicked off just over a year ago

Im afraid that no matter how lovely at heart someone is if they aren't addled with drugs and out of it, then accusing their sister of bringing men over the back wall and of their partner of strangling with her - there's an element of choice in those accusations.

Sorry, OP, but there is darkness within everyone and at 18 many people are highly vulnerable and sometimes, they are influenced heavily into actions that they still know are wrong. Growing up involves taking responsibility for your actions.

Your sister might get out or might not, but right now she's dangerous, very sadly.

YOu need to put your son first, and your partner. Your parents have chosen to put a blindfold over their eyes and are expecting you to do the same. I'm sorry :(

I just don't know how to respond especially when both my parents and my sister are telling me that I'm 100% wrong in this I would tell your parents that your sister will not be god parent to your child because of her OWN behaviour with lying about your relationship with your partner and more importantly HER lifestyle. And if they don't agree then tell them that you will have to think about the relationship you and your child and whether you want your want them in your life let alone your child christening. As you are not in the wrong protecting your family from sister and them.

Ooooh, OP. Kind of been there, done that. Not identical situation, but floridly out of order sibling, parents trying to brush everything under the carpet because then nothing is wrong! Everything is nice and shiny!

Your only possible position here is to stand your ground. It's painful and infuriating, I know. Why don't my parents just take the clearly right side? Well because this didn't impact them directly, so they can tell themselves it's just a silly little spat, and we can all carry on pretending to be the fucking Waltons

But you're not the Waltons. Serious issues have arisen. Set your boundaries, be firm. It's all you can do.

I just know that if I cut out my sister, my parents will follow as they 'know' she is right and I am wrong though they keep saying they aren't picking sides and its strictly 50/50. I don't know if I'm ready to lose everyone over this. I mean I am super happy in my little family but I have leaned on my family a lot, which is also used as a 'how can you treat us like this after everything we have done?' I love my family very much, I just think if I do pursue this that I will lose. I have always just given in before because it's easier to just let it go

Who matter more? Your son and your partner or your parents? What does your partner say?

Either way that you choose there is a lot of pain.

You have the grandchild. That's leverage. A Godparent, traditionally, is a person to whom you would give your child if anything happened to you. Would you give your child to your sister?

This isn't 50/50, and you know it. Your sister made some very serious allegations against your partner, the father of your child. They are not true. You don't want your child growing up in an environment where everyone is pretending that your kid's daddy is a violent abuser, just to make your sister feel better about her own relationship. That's totally unacceptable. There's a clear 'side' here, stay on it.

Your parents won't pull away too much, because that would mean losing contact with your child.

My partner isn't happy because he isn't involved. They only talk about it when he isn't around or at work so he comes home to find me in tears again because of another ambush. He obviously is very upset about the allegation but right now he is more concerned about me and what this is doing to me. He has even tried to speak to my parents on his own to try to be a mediator and to try to present some of my points without family emotions in the way. It didn't really work at all. Obviously gun to my head, my partner and son come first everyday no matter what. I just can't understand why I am even having to sit here and contemplate removing people that have been there my entire life over something that seems so black and white. They raised me to always do a proper apology if I did or said something wrong but now that rule only seems to apply to me. One thing I will take from this no natter how it ends is that I will always apologise to my son when I mess up. I think it's important to show him that respect and also to show him that I am human too and I'm not invincible. My partner has shared this view that no matter what we have learned a valuable parenting lesson

I just can't understand why I am even having to sit here and contemplate removing people that have been there my entire life over something that seems so black and white.

Your parents love their other daughter and don't want to face what's really happening. It's outside their sphere of experience, and when challenged with the impossible they fall back on the easiest option - pressuring you.

See them with compassion in time, if you can, they never expected to face anything like this. But they are wrong in the way they are dealing with it and you are right - if your partner and father of your child is a good'un, you need to stand by him.

I'm sorry. Fallout from drugs / alcohol is shit.

How are they ambushing you? Are you letting these people into the house, to tell you that they really need to pretend that your husband is an abuser? That choice, to let them in, is unfair on him.

Day to day - keep the lines of communication open but when your sister comes up, close it down. "I don't want to talk about this". "I know what you think"; distraction - "how are you, how was XXX" If it comes down to it "I have to go, talk to you on Thursday" ( and then do ring them on thursday)

No I haven't stopped my parents just yet from seeing my son so he still goes maybe once or twice a week to see them. Also they are at the moment our only real option for babysitting so if we do need to go anywhere that isn't baby friendly then he has to go there. If I had pulled out then again I would be using my son again.

On that note, my son was halfway through his lunch when I went to pick him up from there yesterday and they were calling me a liar to my face saying my sister had apologised for it when both me and her have said it hasn't happened and she actually went on to clarify that it never will. I picked up my son, put him in the pram and left and gave him extra dinner at home. This was me using him again even though my actual intention was to not let him see his mum cry at the hands of his grandparents. I will cry in front of my child again I think that's important. But he doesn't need to see where this pain is coming from

It may sound petty but theway my sister has spoken to me and my partner about this is in my opinion disgusting and the fact that she has once again caused all this pain and drama ... I don't particularly want to have communication with her while this is ongoing. I have been doing the small talk for weeks and it's just getting worse. I cannot stand that she is so adamant she will not give in on this knowing that it is tearing the family apart. But I suppose why would she? She has my parents complete support and she is not hurting from this. Just everyone else