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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling to know what to do

34 replies

Whatdyknow · 15/07/2018 17:47

My oh of 22 years came home a few months ago to tell me that he was leaving to be with a very close colleague. This was in a drunken state. Lots of anger and talking led me to believe that we were both trying to fix'us' - although i hadn't got round to telling him what he needed to do I did accept some responsibility for our problems.
Fwd to last weekend, we were out for a drink in our attempt to improve things and I caught him texting her a number times. Turns out they've kissed at work and also had a night away together.
I feel sick, devastated and so, so angry. He's going from sorry, guilty to cross with me for not taking notice of how unhappy my shortcomings were making him.
One week on and he's now bored with trying to reassure me. Thinks saying he loves me & wants to go to relate is enough to stop me hassling him!! Not ended things with her tho as they're both on holiday (teachers) & says on the one hand that there's nothing to end and then that he owes her to tell her in person. Didn't think what he owes me & our son tho. She's also with someone & has a child.
Really don't know what to do. Told him to get out last night to clear my head & after being sad and saying he didn't want to, & me standing my ground, he recovered enough to meet up with a friend which he knew I didn't want him to do. Last time he met with him (also from work) I discovered that she was also there- despite promises that she wasn't going.
Think I need to get sorted but i get strong & then he says he wants to just be with me. It's totally messing my head

OP posts:
pisces7268 · 15/07/2018 18:49

He obviously doesn't care about your feelings x

Disquieted1 · 15/07/2018 18:50

What exactly is your question?

Do you want a future with him? Can you rebuild trust? Should you bail out? Is he serious about making it work?

I sympathise with you; it must be terrible. However I'm really not sure what you're asking.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/07/2018 20:09

Thanks for the replies.
I think it's so early on I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I'm obviously just wishing nothing had happened so in that sense not feeling like giving up on us. But in reality I know that this is going to be pretty much impossible to recover from when they work closely together and he works a long way from home so there's no overlap in friends etc.
Just not sure how I should be with him. I want to be cross the whole time but it's exhausting me and pushing us even further apart.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 15/07/2018 20:35

he sounds selfish tiresome cruel and fucking pitiful... I truly believe you will be happier without this man in your life my lovely Flowers

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 15/07/2018 21:06

Just tried to be normal and chatting to our son about women & getting the vote & I was saying something to explain things to my son when oh interrupted to explain it in his way. I held my tongue & continued after he'd finished then pointed it out when son had left the room. Just another reason for him to storm out of the room. Honestly I think in the context of the conversation I was entitled to have him at least acknowledge he'd done it. I know we all interrupt in the midst of a conversation but really did it deserve such a red faced strop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 17/07/2018 14:41

Can anyone tell me how I'm supposed to get on with anything without my head going over & over what he's done. Afraid that if I kick him out I'm just pushing him straight into her arms (& also that I need to get legal arrangements in place carefully as we're not married, him main earner etc).
I'm so sad for what I thought we had, OK so not perfect by any means, but I thought we had each other's backs when push came to shove.
Supposed to be taking DS on holiday next week and OH says should go & try & be normal to see if it helps us get back on track. Maybe but I can't bear that I might just be laying myself open for even more hurt if we manage a nice time & then all goes back to this when we return. Or if we just argue and I just resent him the whole time it'd be better for DS to accept things might well be just us on hols from now

Don't know what to do & I'm now fixated on the holiday instead of the real & major problem of the lying & loss of trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 18/07/2018 17:52

Please someone? I'm really struggling.
He keeps telling me he loves me & wishes everything was alright but when I tell him I don't trust him he just says he doesn't know what he can do about that & anyway he wasn't happy in the relationship in the first place & that's why he did it.
Blocking his WhatsApp presence but he's always on messenger including middle of the night. I feel like I'm going mad.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 18/07/2018 18:01

You need the chumplady website.

Your OH is actually being very clear with you.

He expects you to be his housewife and nanny. He can moan about your "shortcomings" and expect you to act differently because he says so. He will have fun, sex and giggles with his OW whenever he wants because he wants. You may not do this. You are the servant remember. So please stop whining about it OK sweetie?

If you make him leave this is very inconvenient because maybe OW doesn't want to wash his pants, maybe she just wants the fun bits. What is poor little him supposed to do then? Wash his own pants? Get his own dinner? Horrors.

See?

Also, two women fighting for him. Ooh nice. Have you both bought new lingerie, cooked specially nice meals, not mentioned the skid marks, laughed at his not funny jokes, made sure you hang off his every word? Oh the hardship. He must be desperate for that to stop. Not.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 18/07/2018 18:42

Thanks Rabbitsaretasty.
I know you're right but this is just so hard when I'm being told different things from one minute to the next. Can't help hoping that the person he was is still there. & can't believe how much he has hurt me.
I guess it's a case of finding the strength to make sure it doesn't get worse.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 18/07/2018 22:17

The person he was? You mean the person you thought he was until he showed you who he really is? You can't unsee what you've seen. He can't undo what he did.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 19/07/2018 15:24

I'm sure you're right though hard to take on board after so long together.
Didn't know about chumplady - thanks for the pointer.
Scary just how spot on all of the traits are- & how much there seems to be a cheaters format. Helpful reading for those weak moments of self doubt.
Think I need to look forward to the holiday without him & try to use it to rediscover myself. Also contacted a solicitor for initial apt.
Here goes!

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 19/07/2018 17:35

Yes, enjoy the holiday, start planning your new life.

NotTheFordType · 19/07/2018 17:59

Enjoy the holiday with just you and DS. How old is he? For now I'd just tell him that dad can't come on this holiday as unfortunately he has a big project on at work.

Practically speaking, I think you should assume that he's going to leave. Get yourself sorted for that eventuality - knowledge is power, so consult with a solicitors firm. Get your paperwork in order - how much equity is in the house (assuming you own it), what is your OH's salary, therefore how much child maintenance he should pay assuming that you will have residence given that he works away.

Reach out to friends and family, tell them what's happening and let them support you.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 19/07/2018 19:24

Thanks- I did think just saying he has to work might be an idea as would be unfair to say any more and then take him away for the week. OH is still his dad & I have to try not to corrupt that relationship for DS 's sake- he's 14.
I also agree that despite his waivering (OH) he's just too cowardly to make the move to leave and am starting to realise that that's also going to be my job- along with all the other everyday crap I've sorted while he's been off 'working/affairing'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdyknow · 20/07/2018 17:51

Got a solicitors appt for Monday but I'm feeling so low about the whole thing. Hate the way I'm catching myself doing the exact opposite of what I thought I'd do if someone cheated on me.
He's still in the house as I'm afraid if i kick him out he'll just go to her or ill stress about what he's up to. Then I end up trying to be nice to see if we've can reconcile then hate myself for not making him suffer for what he's putting me through.
We went to counciling session and he seemed to have more awareness of what he's done but still says she's his best friend. So angry with myself for being so weak despite my intentions.
God he's not even worth it but why can't I act!!

OP posts:
Toofle · 20/07/2018 18:19

You're not angry enough yet. You damn well should be.

RabbitsAreTasty · 20/07/2018 21:47

You know what the best you would do.

This means you know what actions now, however hard, will later make you feel like a strong proud confident woman when you look back on this time.

Give yourself that future. Not the future where you look back and cringe. You can do it.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 21/07/2018 08:29

Thanks.
Managed a bit more sleep last night so feel a bit stronger. Think I've been keeping it too quiet- only told a couple of friends as i felt so embarrassed and afraid of the strength of their reactions. Think that's what I now need to see and draw strength from instead of pretending it's all going to go away.

OP posts:
BlueAir · 21/07/2018 08:46

I've no experience of what you're going through op so not much help
except to say... You're being too harsh on yourself, beating yourself up for things you're doing and not doing. Stop it.
You're entitled do react how you react - you're in shock, there are no rules you have to follow.
Sorry you're going through this op, your OH sounds like an entitled, selfish man. Flowers

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 21/07/2018 09:41

Heading for coffee with a friend. OH not happy( tho of course days he is). Days he's going to go somewhere with DS for the day. Am I wrong or is this just him being controlling! Not allowed to go out for an hour without a veiled threat.

OP posts:
BlueAir · 21/07/2018 10:29

Was he like this before the affair op?
Remind him he's the sly shit who can't be trusted not you.

RabbitsAreTasty · 21/07/2018 10:43

Don't react. Let him take DS out for the day if he wants. That's a nice thing. You get extra coffee and shopping time. This is not the worst threat.

Original poster
Whatdyknow · 21/07/2018 12:09

Back from nice morning out.
Of course they haven't gone out, or even got dressed. Not to mention the ' I was just about to do that' comments re putting washing out, doing washing up etc.
Irritating but good for reminding me the everyday reality of my life.

OP posts:
MitchDash · 21/07/2018 12:19

I wouldn't worry about getting him to leave. She has to act and take him on full time and they will have to find somewhere to live or she will not and he will have to find somewhere to live anyway. She has all this cleaning up after him to look forward to or perhaps it is merely a distraction for her and she doesn't actually want him.

The shine will dull very quickly, it always does.

springydaff · 21/07/2018 12:22

Oh my gosh, he sounds HORRIBLE.

I really hope the shock subsides soon and you can kick his sorry ass out so he can go be with his "best friend".

So, wait, he's having the affair bcs of "your faults"? Your relationship sounds very focused on "your faults" op Hmm

Just out of interest, how come you're not married? How come you don't have legal and financial security after all this time?