Struggling to know what to do

[Whatdyknow]

My oh of 22 years came home a few months ago to tell me that he was leaving to be with a very close colleague. This was in a drunken state. Lots of anger and talking led me to believe that we were both trying to fix'us' - although i hadn't got round to telling him what he needed to do I did accept some responsibility for our problems.
Fwd to last weekend, we were out for a drink in our attempt to improve things and I caught him texting her a number times. Turns out they've kissed at work and also had a night away together.
I feel sick, devastated and so, so angry. He's going from sorry, guilty to cross with me for not taking notice of how unhappy my shortcomings were making him.
One week on and he's now bored with trying to reassure me. Thinks saying he loves me & wants to go to relate is enough to stop me hassling him!! Not ended things with her tho as they're both on holiday (teachers) & says on the one hand that there's nothing to end and then that he owes her to tell her in person. Didn't think what he owes me & our son tho. She's also with someone & has a child.
Really don't know what to do. Told him to get out last night to clear my head & after being sad and saying he didn't want to, & me standing my ground, he recovered enough to meet up with a friend which he knew I didn't want him to do. Last time he met with him (also from work) I discovered that she was also there- despite promises that she wasn't going.
Think I need to get sorted but i get strong & then he says he wants to just be with me. It's totally messing my head

Exactly what springydaff said.

Try to get out with friends or on your own to clear your head a bit. I think you will come to the conclusion that you just don't need this unfair and unpleasant man in your life.

I've been in a very similar position as you Op and I stayed in my marriage for far too long, trying to fix something that I hadn't broken in the first place.

I know it's scary and incredibly difficult to do but once you start taking those first steps ie solicitor, it allows you to take some control back and that will help you in the long run.

This man is not your friend, he has shown you in the most hurtful way that not only do his wants and needs come before everything else, he still refers to OW as his best friend .

Look after yourself and your DC, don't rely on your OH to show any decency because he's already shown you that he won't.

You're right. After just a couple of hours away I can feel the tension building up as soon as I walk in the door. Just feel so exhausted.
Not married as neither of us have felt the need- till now of course from a security point of view

Need some help in finding my strength. I know I'm making it too easy for him. I get cross and angry with him one minute then all fine & friendly the next (haven't been as soft as begging him to stay but haven't managed to follow through on my moments of telling him to leave).
He keeps telling me he loves me but his behaviour's just not consistent enough. He has agreed to have individual counseling to help him work things out.
Tonight he's gone out to see a friend ( male) and it just reminds me of what I'm facing every day if I don't get my act together. I know he might be telling the truth but also it could be a total lie & he could be with the OW
Please help - I know I need to get my head sorted & just be fun with my son this evening but I'm moping like a lost teenage.

I know it's hard, but he needs to leave. I know that you think "but then he'll just go to her" and YES he probably will. But:

A) at the moment, their relationship is all excitement and drama and passion. Nothing will take the shine off it like living together.

B) you can do better than someone who is so weak that he will let you decide his fate - if you kick him out, he'll go to her, if you don't he'll stay.

C) the best way to make him want to "pick you" (urgh, please don't do the pick me dance, but if you really must) is to act with strength and dignity and as if you value yourself. Does a high quality, desirable woman with options permit a man to treat her like this? No, she does not. All the time you're scared he'll leave and trying to make him stay, you're lowering your value in his eyes.

D) it is hard to do brave things when you don't feel brave. But feeling strong comes from acting strong, not the other way around. You have to behave as if you were a strong, brave woman and then you will start to realise that you actually are one.

I really feel for you, you’re going through so much stress at the hands of this man who has treated you so badly when he should have been showing you respect.

I think I understand that horrible feeling of not wantjng to kick him out in fear that he will just run to her because that thought is hurtful... as if you would just not matter in an instant because she would make everything ok and I just want to reassure you two things...

1. Even if that was the case then do you really want to be with him? You are worth so much more than that. Let her have him... sounds like the pair of them deserve each other after how they are both treating their families

1. That won’t happen... she has her partner and child and She will find it hard to voluntarily leave to be with him. Sometimes the grass is greener in fantasy but when reality hits and he says ‘she’s kicked me out’ there’s a good chance that the OW won’t be leaving her partner. If she does then you need to think that both her and your DP will have a relationship built on lies and mistrust and will most likely crumble sooner rather than later.

I don’t know if this is helpful but I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. You are strong and you can make a fresh start and new life without him. You deserve better x

Thanks for the messages.
I know that I need to get him to leave as I'm otherwise vulnerable to his kind/cold mood swings along with paranoid over what he's up to on his phone etc.

I am trying hard not to do the 'pick me dance' and have been going out with friends more but it's just the horrible reality of my wonderful son losing the family he currently has which I find the hardest to cope with. I was lucky to grow up in a really happy family and I guess struggle to accept that I can't provide that for him.

I feel like I'm letting him down if I push his dad out when he might actually be telling the truth...
I have spoken to a solicitor who has recommended mediation to firm things up as much as possible. Partner was shocked at this and said there was no need to formalise things. I'm not so naive to think this isn't what I need to do but I can't afford to do it without him paying.

Feel trapped and so sad and hate feeling stuck in the weaker gender stereotypical role while helping him progress in his career to the place where he could have an affair with his colleague ( soon to be her boss).

OP he needs to leave

Please don't torture yourself. Do you think your son would be happy knowing what you've put up with and are putting yourself through?

Woke up in the night in tears and they don't seem to be ready to stop.

My mind has decided to focus on the good times over the past 22 years rather than the recent crap and it's really not helping me today.

How does someone you thought you knew so well turn into someone so cold.

I hate that he did the eulogy for my dad a couple of years ago and then this year went out with her on the anniversary of my dad's death. And yet I'm missing even the crap us of recent times.

Also scared as they're both back to work this week and 2 of the 3 people I've been confiding in are off on holiday. Not sure how I'm going to keep it together.