Gifts of clothes from newish DP

[myidentitymycrisis]

Newish (we got back together) DP bought me something and I detest anyone buying me clothes. I feel violated and that my personality has been invaded.

Any perspectives welcomed

Is it different to the sort of thing you usually wear?

Was it a t shirt or a gimp mask?

Maybe he’s trying to be thoughtful and generous. If so then feeling violated is a bit extreme unless there’s a big drip feed coming.

You're not compatible. Move on.

That's a very strong reaction.

Had you told him that you don't like being bought clothes in advance?

And do you know why you have such a strong response to it?

Why did you split up before?

Very extreme reaction. It's a gift, not a physical assault. If you don't like it, explain that - they're presumably not a mind reader.

This can’t be real???

I have told him I am thankful that he thought of me. He knows it will make me anxious because I have told him. But I don’t think he really gets- or got- it. Maybe he will now.

I don't like to have clothes bought for me but this seems extreme

Are you sure it's a good idea to reconcile with him ?

You told him you strongly dislike people buying clothes for you and then he went out and bought clothes for you?

If so, you are not compatible people.

I didn’t tell him I strongly dislike people buying clothes for me. He knows I find receiving gifts difficult.

Thank everyone

Hang on, which is it? Is it gifts in general, or clothes? Because there is a big difference.

Clothes I get, because actually I don't like wearing things out of obligation. If I don't think it suits me I feel horrid wearing it, regardless of what other people think.

But if its gifts in general, I think you need to learn how to accept small, less personal gifts.

Do you have a particular style - say, goth, or something - and he bought you completely out of your style clothing? As if to change you?

Why do you find receiving gifts difficult?!

Violated is a very strong word for this. Unless he deliberately bought you something that he knows you wouldn't like to wear?

I had a second date with someone, he said he preferred my hair up. He didn't get a 3rd date, thin edge of a wedge.

Would it be worth trying to work on the receiving gifts bit?
Seems quite difficult ..... would you feel the same way about a bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates? (Assuming you like those if you were to buy them yourself). Could a friend buy you these, and you have an issue too?
It's a fairly normal way of showing love, gratitude, appreciation etc of / for those around us. Seems a shame if you can't or won't appreciate that, because it's more than just the wine or chocolates or t-shirt, it genuinely is also about the thought the giver is trying to get across, it may seem to the giver that you're rejecting them (rather than their gift).

Or at least discuss with DP, and agree different ways he could show appreciation e.g. cooking a favourite meal. Because feeling "violated" because you receive a simple gift from someone who loves you doesn't seem a reasonable response. Unless there's some backstory.

I take clothes mean outerwear and not lingerie.

Are the clothes expensive? Is it because you can't reciprocate? Are the clothes he picked not your style eg too sexy?

Are you looking for a reason to break up with him again?

I would find it deeply weird if anyone bought me clothes - that ended when I left home! I do buy funny t-shirts for DH sometimes but that is mostly at his own behest.

Have you had experience of controlling relationships (not just with partners but parents too maybe) in your life op? That might explain your feelings.

Sorry but you sound really high maintenance. It's an over the top reaction to something you have never told him about before.

What a strange over the top reaction

Need way more info on this - but on the surface sounds like he's not someone who will make you happy

Feeling violated is a bit dramatic is it not?

Do you think you are not worthy of a gift?