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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DHs weight. How can I bring this up nicely?

50 replies

Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 10:40

Okay so things haven’t been great between us recently. I am terrible at hiding the fact I’m not happy in our relationship.

I wanted to post this on MN as I don’t really understand why I feel so strongly about this and what I can do.

I’m no longer sexual attracted to him, I can’t help this but I’m not. He doesn’t carry weight well, so has the double chin, belly etc.

Also I’m an active person, he gets all out of breath, has terrible stamina and angry when he can’t keep up. Limiting the activities we can do together that I enjoy.

I think I’m most annoyed by the fact he doesn’t want to change to improve the relationship. It feels like he doesn’t give a fuck.

He isn’t massively overweight, but is classed as being so on the bmi chart.

Anyway, he wants to talk when he gets back from work later and I have no idea how to go about it.

Before you say he deserves better, maybe he does, but we both deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
WasFatNowThin · 15/07/2018 10:46

May I ask what age bracket you fall into?

Original poster
Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 10:46

I should have said I have been trying the subtle approach for years and it just doesn’t register.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 10:47

25-30

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 15/07/2018 10:49

How long have you been together? It seems you got together young and may now have changed, very common once you reach late 20s.

What do you like about him?

RainySeptember · 15/07/2018 10:50

Well you sound very contemptuous and you're too young to suppress that and ride it out, so I'd call it a day. No ones fault, just incompatible. Saying you'll leave him if he doesn't lose weight and start loving physical activities is no way for him to live either. You need to find someone slim and active, he needs to find someone who likes the look of him or who loves him regardless.

SD1978 · 15/07/2018 10:50

Has he always been? I always find these threads interesting. If a woman says a man has said this there is usually uproar. Mostly women seem to get supported. My belief is if either sex is no longer attracted to their partner due to weight- talk to them. Explain your view and see if there is something you can do together.

Toohotme · 15/07/2018 10:51

I would focus on him not being able to do things you enjoy together ie a lack of fitness rather than his weight.

Branleuse · 15/07/2018 10:52

Its ok to go off someone x

Original poster
Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 10:53

We have been together 9 years.

He is a really nice guy, so kind and sweet, which makes this all the harder. It makes me feel terrible for even thinking about it, which is making the relationship even more depressing.

OP posts:
loveulotslikejellytots · 15/07/2018 10:54

It's a tricky one. I would maybe not frame it as an attraction thing, but as a health issue.

Do you have children?

I have always been overweight and been happy with being that way. Some people can't get their head around that, but I made peace with I will never be a size 8 and to be happy.

But.. I now have a toddler. A very active and fast toddler that I struggle to chase around a park. I go swimming with her but have found myself self conscious of what other people might think. The last straw was Chessington. I really struggled to do some of the lap bars up comfortably to ride with dd.

Could you say to him (obviously if you are planning a family) that you want him healthy for your future children?

ChangoMutney · 15/07/2018 10:55

I'm not convinced his weight is the issue. My Dh is a lot bigger then we we first got together and of course it was be great if he were slimmer but I still find him very attractive. I believe that once you lose attraction to someone it's very hard to get it back again.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 15/07/2018 10:56

My dh has put weight on, I have also.
I have given it the - we need to lose weight to have better sex - approach!!

loveulotslikejellytots · 15/07/2018 10:56

And I agree that if this was a man you would be getting slaughtered. You should love someone for who they are, but if you aren't attracted to him maybe you do need to think about if he lost weight and became more active, would he then be attractive again to you? Or is this just hiding another issue.

lljkk · 15/07/2018 10:57

You can't win with MNers, sorry, OP.

You know him best & if it would be kindest & fairest to be completely honest or not. He's not going to like anything you have to say, so most people would at least appreciate honesty if whatever you have to say is never going to be welcome. Good luck with it all.

SoapOnARoap · 15/07/2018 10:58

I think you need to be honest. You only get one shot at life

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 15/07/2018 10:58

Limiting the activities we can do together that I enjoy.

This is the sentence that you need to focus on - for yourself. Look at it. "Limiting the activities we can do together that I enjoy."

It suggests to me that you've grown apart.

CrabbityRabbit · 15/07/2018 10:58

Can you frame it in fitness terms? Say you want to be able to get out more together?

TBH you sound a little shallow but you have a right to be. If you are no longer attracted to him you don't have to stay. It likely will get worse if he has no interest in changing and gets cross with you when he can't keep up.

You are plenty young enough to meet someone better suited. If you are going to leave, do so before marriage and kids makes it harder.

Bear in mind your body will likely change too as you get older. Particularly if you havd pregnancies. You may well end up with excess weight and less fitness as well. Life happens.

Original poster
Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 10:59

No he wasn’t overweight when we got together.

It’s a slippery slope as he doesn’t want to do much as he is embarrassed now.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 15/07/2018 11:00

It sounds like you’ve outgrown him. It happens a lot with relationships between the ages of 20 and 30.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/07/2018 11:06

You've acknowledged that you're not happy.

Do you want to save the relationship? And if so, is that because you are in love with him and want to be with him - or because he's familiar and you love him and it'd be a big change to break up?

Original poster
Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 11:08

Of course I still love him.

He used to enjoy being active too, but this has changed.

He does have an unhealthy relationship with food, and that is coming from him.

I know he would be devastated if I say I’m no longer attracted to him.

I have tried the let’s do more, keep active etc, but it never lasts.

There are no other issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 11:09

Just want to say thanks for the replies. It really helps!

OP posts:
Pippylou · 15/07/2018 11:12

It's not the weight, it's the fitness & loss of muscle. It's only going to get worse, no point pussy footing about if it's a deal breaker.

I'm fat, husband still loves me, would prefer I was smaller, not a deal breaker for us tho.

AjasLipstick · 15/07/2018 11:15

Do you still have a laugh together? Share some interests?

If so then it's worth working on. If not and you don't have kids, I agree it sounds like you've outgrown him.

bluemoonchances · 15/07/2018 11:19

Don't feel bad about not being attracted to him, you can't help that. But with wanting to be patronising it does seem like you're out growing him, which is normal in your twenties as you both mature. Being together 9 years isn't reason to stay together. In 5 years time you'll regret it if you suddenly realise you're still in the same position hoping he'll change.
Of course you love him , you been together 9 years, but is he actually The One if you're honest with yourself.

DH and I have both changed a lot in body shape over the last ten years, but we still absolutely love being together. If you don't feel this then you'd be doing you both no favours by carrying on.