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Relationships

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Original poster

DHs weight. How can I bring this up nicely?

50 replies

Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 10:40

Okay so things haven’t been great between us recently. I am terrible at hiding the fact I’m not happy in our relationship.

I wanted to post this on MN as I don’t really understand why I feel so strongly about this and what I can do.

I’m no longer sexual attracted to him, I can’t help this but I’m not. He doesn’t carry weight well, so has the double chin, belly etc.

Also I’m an active person, he gets all out of breath, has terrible stamina and angry when he can’t keep up. Limiting the activities we can do together that I enjoy.

I think I’m most annoyed by the fact he doesn’t want to change to improve the relationship. It feels like he doesn’t give a fuck.

He isn’t massively overweight, but is classed as being so on the bmi chart.

Anyway, he wants to talk when he gets back from work later and I have no idea how to go about it.

Before you say he deserves better, maybe he does, but we both deserve to be happy.

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 15/07/2018 11:19

Did he put the weight on over time or is this a more recent development?

Passthecake30 · 15/07/2018 11:19

How much weight has he put on since you met? My dp has gained 2-2.5 stones since we met 20 years ago. I'm the same weight. I've had to make peace with it... but if it was double that I'd be having issues.

bluemoonchances · 15/07/2018 11:20

Bloody autocorrect.. without!

Alwayscommuting · 15/07/2018 11:21

It's a tricky one. I can see where you're coming from but I've also been on the other side. I gained a lot of weight after meeting DH and I felt awful. Thought he must find me unattractive etc and if he had actually said that to me I would have been devastated. I came round to wanting to lose the weight in my own and my DH has been incredibly supportive but you have to think about your own happiness too. If you can't both be happy then maybe it's not right.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 11:24

Unhappydays, I understand. The thing is, your relationship balance has shifted now with you being the 'uber' and him falling short of that. It's not sustainable, it really isn't.

Weight and food are such complex issues for people who have a problem with them and it isn't as simple as 'eat less, move more' for those people, not always anyway. People who don't have such issues will not be able to understand disordered eating or difficult relationships with food. If you're interested, buy a book - there are plenty on Amazon.

If you don't feel attraction to your husband - and it can't be rekindled - then leave. There's nothing more miserable than a relationship with such disparity and one wanting the other more than the other one does. That's a recipe for disaster and your marriage is unlikely to survive long term.

I would think about this very hard and objectively - before speaking to your husband later. It's not a failure to leave a relationship that isn't working and cannot work due to inherent lack of compatibility. I would be a failure to stay in it and continue to be resentful. For both your sakes, if this is how you feel - end it. I agree with branleuse here.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 15/07/2018 11:26

Do you know why he's put on weight? Could it be that he isn't happy either?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 11:26

x-posted with Ajaslipstick and bluemoonchances, that's what I was trying to say.

tenterden · 15/07/2018 11:27

You say you are unhappy in your relationship and that he doesn't want to fix things.

If that is the case, it's over. all relationships end one way or another. Are you frightened of being single?

If you aren't feeling it any more you should just let each other go. Life is too short to waste.

If he wants to speak to you maybe he is going to say he does want to fix things and you will be able to resolve the issues making you unhappy. Would counselling help?

Original poster

Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 11:27

There are cross overs of interests, and we do sometimes have a laugh. Although less recently.

Maybe it’s this, I always try to be the best I can be and right now he just seems to eat and laze around. That’s probably wants annoying me the most.

OP posts:

Original poster

Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 11:28

So perhaps we have just changed, outgrown each other.

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 15/07/2018 11:29

Sorry Op, but Of course I still love him - why of course? The very fact you need to say of course sounds defensive, which would indicate that it may not be true. You're still young and have been together a long time. It's hard but you need to at least admit that all this might be a sign of the end. Which could be the right thing for both of you.

Original poster

Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 11:34

Thanks again for all the posts. They really do help and get me thinking.

If he had a change in mind set then I’m sure it would go back the way it was.

Being honest, I don’t know exactly but it’s probably round 4 stones.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2018 11:34

That post was telling, OP - I always try to be the best I can be - you consider that by his actions (or lack thereof) he's not trying to be the best that he can be - and therefore he is no longer good enough for you.

It's over, sorry.

Original poster

Unhappydays · 15/07/2018 11:35

I say of course, because I wouldn’t be with someone for that long if I didn’t.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 15/07/2018 11:38

The truth hurts sometimes but it will give him the opportunity to make decisions.

Disquieted1 · 15/07/2018 11:40

I've known so many couples whose relationship would be perfect if only the other person were different somehow. Lost weight. Earned more. Saw friends less. Spent less time on hobbies...and it's all nonsense.
If he lost the weight, it would be just something else which stopped the relationship being perfect. Anyone who has ever been through similar has experienced it.

onalongsabbatical · 15/07/2018 11:40

But you might have only just stopped loving him? You might not have REALISED that you've stopped loving him? I still find of course odd. It sounds like you take it for granted that you always make good decisions, know what you're doing. Which is not a given.

Babdoc · 15/07/2018 11:42

I’m wondering why a man of barely 30 wants to just sit around and eat?
Is he depressed, does he have an underactive thyroid, is something else going on?
Does he sense you’re slowly checking out of the relationship, and he’s eating for comfort? Does he work long stressful hours or have a tiring manual job, and can’t face dragging himself out for sporting activities with you?
I think you need to have a discussion with him, but not in a critical “You’re getting fat, fix it” sort of attack. Perhaps in a gentle, concerned for his health, kindly approach. What sort of meals do you cook together? Could you adjust these to be healthier, encourage him out for walks with you, make some adjustments to help him in the right direction.
Finally, if he lost two stone - would you fancy him again? Or is this relationship over anyway, and your dislike of his weight merely a symptom?

CocoaGin70 · 15/07/2018 11:44

People change. Sometimes it's ok and other times it isn't.

You've not got children so there aren't the deep roots that make a break up so much more complicated. Maybe the "I'm struggling here and think we need some time apart/space" would be a wake up call that he's close to losing you. It will go one way or the other. I think we're all a little guilty of when people show us who they really are, we don't want to see the reality and only see what we want them to be. And all that sets you up for is disillusion and disappointment.

Life's far too short to be unhappy .

StellaCorona · 15/07/2018 11:48

Exdp's weight was one reason I went off him but it was connected to a lot of other issues around general self care which meant I really lost respect for him.
Do you think the weight issue is affecting how you view him generally?
If so I fear the relationship is doomed unless he really starts to change.

kaitlinktm · 15/07/2018 11:50

I was the overweight partner that my ex found unattractive. He gave me ultimatums (ultimata?) which just put the pressure on more. I had a stressful job and was the main earner and I simply felt I didn't have the time to go to the gym or do stuff like he did. (I know, excuses).

I would lose some weight, and he would be pleased and then I would gain it again. I can't tell you how miserable it all made me. Oddly, and I have never understood why I felt like this, when I did lose weight and look better he was so over-the-top pleased that it irritated me - it annoyed me that it was so important to him.

Anyway after years of trying and failing to be good enough, he left me anyway. I am still overweight but am slowly doing stuff about it - if he were here he would be constantly nagging me.

Be honest, leave if you have to, but don't make his life miserable, let him find someone to whom it is less important.

StellaCorona · 15/07/2018 11:57

Actually current DP and I are both slowly putting on weight and are probably about a stone heavier than when we first met which annoys each of us about ourselves but doesn't bother us about the other. For a start we're both getting on and secondly for me at least, there aren't the associated issues there were with ex.
Complicated ain't it.

user1492863869 · 15/07/2018 13:47

I note from your posts that it is your husband who has asked to talk when he returns home. My guess would be that he is aware there are problems in your relationship. Based on your own statement that you don't hide your feelings, then it is very likely that he knows you don't find him attractive and are frustrated that he cannot do active things with you.
Also he will know he has put on weight but maybe not in the same way or to the extent that you see.

If he has asked to talk, then I think you could use this conversation to listen and get a understanding of how he feels about himself and your marriage. In terms of the things you want to say, it would be best to use the "I" statements rather than "you" and be affirmative rather than accusatory.

Based on what you have said, that if he was healthier and fitter you would be happier, then I would limit your input to saying that. For example using positive statements like;

I love you
I enjoy doing things with you
I want to be able to share more active experiences with you, is that what you want?
I would like you to be healthier, do you have concerns about your health and fitness?
I will support you, tell me how?

Listen to his replies and then take time to think it over. If he does not want to change then you will need to reassess your future.

Whisky2014 · 15/07/2018 13:52

Maybe hes about to break up with you? You say he has told you he wants to talk....?

Robin2323 · 15/07/2018 13:55

Been with dh over 20 years.
Over time he had put weight on I've more or less stated the same.
Up to a few months ago it was a about 4 stone but he has now dropped a stone which I'm pleased about for health reasons only BUT he is tall so can carry it and some has gone across his shoulders. He is really hunky and I fancy him as much if not more than before.
But happy and wants to do stuff. He loves me to bits and put me first. So he's not as slim as he used to be but he's my big cuddly teddy bear and I adore him :)

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