Happiness after infidelity

[Willibehappyagain]

I’ve posted under various user names since finding out about h affair 10 months ago. I find talking to people that have or are going through the same shit really helpful.

My question is, can you ever be happy after infidelity? We’re reconciling but I can’t forget and I haven’t forgiven yet but I realise it’s a long process. I’m beginning to feel something like happiness with my life again with him but every time anything he says or does pisses me off or upsets me I wonder what the hell im doing with a cheater and wonder will I ever be happy to just put it in the past where it belongs.

He feels I’m doing more damage to the relationship now by throwing it in his face during every argument/discussion and to a certain degree the counsellor agrees with him. She had though been great at staying neutral and help us work on our communication together, not so much talking but what we hear each other say.

Am I kidding myself that this will be my happy ever after? Should I just cut my losses and go now and save us from further hurt? I don’t want to hurt him by throwing it in his face as to be honest he’s hurting enough and punishing himself. The kids are happy at the moment and after what they’ve been through the thought of upsetting their lives again is hideous.

It’s just so damn hard isn’t it. I hate that this has happened. I hate even more that his was his decisions that led us here.

I’m in bits so I’d rather people with no experience come along and say LTB as it’s not helpful. One thing I’ve realised is life isn’t black and white and whereas I was convinced I’d walk before this happened it’s not quite that easy.

10 months, after a shock which rocks your world, is nothing. It sounds like you're both doing all the right things to get past this. Is this partly about (very understandable, but not helpful) obsessive/intrusive thoughts, OP? Has your counsellor suggested techniques to deal with these specifically? Or suggested someone who can?

I do have obsessive/intrusive thoughts and anything can trigger them. I’ve emailed my individual counsellor because I think I probably need to work on myself for a bit again rather than just the marriage.

I think 10 months is nothing but h seems to think I need to put it behind us and move on. I guess that’s one of the differences with us-he can compartmentalise and put it away in a box whereas I can’t.

Hi @Willbehappyagain
Thank you for sharing. I really needed to hear about someone else at a similar time frame to me.

I caught my H in and emotional affair 12 months ago
He has been doing everything he knows to make it better.
He is remorseful and all that.
Me? I was totally blindsided. Totally.
Traumatised, had daily rage that could of burnt the sun mixed with such deep grief.
The longest I’ve gone without a flare up is a week -2eeeks ? I’m so bad. And yes I’m damaging everything and I wish I wasn’t and I’m trying not to. But I just don’t have the skill set or personality to transcend this type of hurt. So I guess I’m a slow learner/healer
The arguments are not as volcanic but a lot depends on his response.
I think he’s had enough though. It’s been a year and he thinks that I should be over it by now. And that I choose not to. In fact he has told me so the last few fights that he can’t do it anymore.

Before this we did not fight a lot, we had a lot of fun together, although I had been suffering from depression due to an unexpected loss of a family member, I trusted him, was rarely demanding of his time, was very chilled about most things. He was going thru a bad time at work and drinking heavily. But I thought so much of him in terms of decency.
Now I feel so tightly wound up.
I wonder about how far he would go out of his way for the OW.
Previously stuff that I would be understanding about now seems to have more meaning than ever. Things like arranging time together for dates, calling me back, kissing me hello goodbye without fail etc...now seem to be a sign or a signal of how unimportant I must be to him... (obviously in my mind he would be leaping at the chance to be with the OW)
I do feel like I’m coming to terms with it but I don’t know if I can get passed it at the rate he needs me to.
He just thinks that when I flip out it’s out of nowhere?
I really don’t understand how he doesn’t understand that I wake up with it everyday and that it has basically raped the joy out of my life.
The days where there is no fighting are good and I have glimpses of what we use to have.
🙁

H seems to think you need to move on... honestly I can't believe that. He's the one who did it! Of course it's easy for him.

Personally I couldnt live with someone who'd cheated on me, and by the sounds of it not one who showed no remorse !

It's never straightforward and I understand about your DC. Be strong.

Sounds similar to me.

“My question is, can you ever be happy after infidelity?”

Yes yes and yes! Leave and find someone who isn’t so selfish and entitled, someone who respects you and has better morales and values.

Finally caught partner contacting ow while we were out on a supposed'working it out' night last w/e. He told me a free months ago that he'd been unhappy with me for ages and that smne at work had said she loved him. This was on a drunken night out so after lots of anger and talking on both sides I thought we were really trying. Only to find that they'd gone for night away together. I'm obv furious, desperately sad & he's going from really sorry to what I think is more sorry for himself. Just asked if I'm mind him going out tonight? Shouldn't he be working harder? Says he wants to go to relate but I really think we're probably wasting our money

Next time he tells you that you should move on, tell him to stop shagging other women.

He's a twat. You can do better.

I'm 18 months post D day. I totally understand where you are coming from. 10 months is not alot of time and honestly it's only been the last 3 month's I have stopped thinking about it every day. You can be happy again, it just takes time. Every time we argued I would throw it in he's face but the last few months that happens less and less. It changes you and your relationship will never be the same but that doesn't mean you can't create something better from it all. Feel free to message me if you need to chat to anyone. I felt I couldn't talk to anyone in real life about it

Managed a year. Couldn't stop bringing it up and didn't see why I was expected to really when I couldn't get my head round it but he couldn't bear me pointing out he done the damage. Im the end I hated him so much and had to leave.

I’m fuming on your behalf - how dare he tell you to stop bringing it up, as if he didn’t betray you and do the single most destructive thing you can do to damage intimacy and trust?!

My partner didn't cheat, but he did start gambling again and steal, lie, manipulate, and gamble £££.

He was absolutely awful. And I was a complete idiot for trusting him.

I left for 3 months and then decided I want to try and start afresh.

It was hard. Every time any little thing annoyed me, I was incandescent with rage even if it was tiny.

I felt like he had fucked me over so monumentally, that he had no right to complain about anything I did.

It got better. He took everything I threw at him. It's been just over a year. Do I trust him? Yes. Do I trust him as much as I did before? No. Do I love him and am I glad I stayed? Yes.

I would say about 10 months in, things changed, I was less bitter and resentful. But I also know that I have the strength to walk away if I want to. I can never go back to loving him blindly. But I love him, and he makes me happy right now. And that's enough for me at the moment.

I think one day I decided that the bitterness and anger was taking up too much space in my head. And after 10 months of me being a banshee who gave no affection and spewed verbal abuse at the slightest slight, I realised I wanted my friend back. And he had changed into a completely different person, whether it was fake or not, it was what I wanted.

Tried for 18 months after first discovering exHs infidelity but I could not get past it in the end. I'm sure your H does not like you bringing it up because it makes him uncomfortable but that is one millionth of the discomfort he has deliberately inflicted on you.

What I don't think cheaters understand is that it is not so much the sex with someone else as the deliberate deception and the conscious choice of someone else over you. TBH I don't think there is any way back from that. One of the final nails in the coffin for my relationship with my exH was that he confided in me that he always used to read the papers and make sure he had interesting and entertaining things to say before he saw (last but one of what turned out to have been several) OW, however, he clearly could not be arsed to do that for me, his wife.

He also repeated several times that, as he began his affair he had said to OW that whatever happened the children must not be hurt. He thought he was such a good dad for this. Obviously the feelings of his wife of 20+ years are utterly irrelevant and shagging other women is never likely to lead to the breakdown of your marriage and hurt to the children...

Finally, I think your relationship counsellor needs a swift kicking. Sadly there are many poor ones around, including at Relate. Your feelings are whatever they are and you are entitled to have them and to voice them. You certainly don't have to swallow them down so your cheating H does not feel uncomfortable!

Yes it is the the lies

Hi @willibehappyagain
Think I've added my post onto your thread by mistake. Bit new to posting in afraid.
I don't feel I'm in the position to offer any advice but really hope things work out for you.

No.. could never forget it. It was always there waiing behind any happy moment. And you never full trust them again. It's awful. They ruin it and then it's your job to recover and heal while they think you should be over it, it's fucking disgusting.

10 months... i was still so raw then, often livid still.

I think every relationship that suffers this differs. We all have different levels of tolerance and resolution.

The more he asks you not to bring it up, the more angry you'll be.

As much as I despise that I'm saying this, it does have to drop a bit. I used to do it daily, it was hell.

Im 19 months in. Things have turned a corner a little now. I dont bring it up as much and we continue to work together through this. It does feel like a team effort, and things are much nicer.

Before you bring something up, ask yourself why? Have you been triggered? In 15 mins, do you still feel as strongly enough to ask the question? A lot of the time I am just triggered by something and if i let rip there would be no benefit to anyone. Weigh it up.

Do you have a seperate councellor for yourself? - this is really important!

I’m really sorry to hear this and totally feel for you. I’m going through the exact same thing right now and it I really hope it gets better. It’s the most selfish thing a partner can do to you.

Thanks all for your responses. It’s so good to get people that understand. As time goes on I’m finding it harder to talk to friends/family as I don’t want them to hate him.

It’s always good to vent here and get perspectives of people that have gone through it.

Our marriage counsellor is fab and I feel doesn’t need a kicking. Our oat one however did! I got to the point that I didn’t trust her to be mutual. I’m about to start individual counselling again as I feel I need it as I feel so low about myself.

Just reread everything again.
pepper sorry you’re going through the same. And to anyone else going through the same.
whatdyknow no worries about accidentally posting. I’m just wondering if Ive read your post correctly and he’s still having the affair??

I felt like I was reading my own thoughts from your OP. I'm 4 months past finding out and really, really struggling. I too want to know if will have happiness again. We have a baby together and I don't want to break up the family so I'm trying incredibly hard but it's really really difficult. I love him so much but I'm so bloody hurt by it all.

eastcliff 4 months is still very early. And I can’t imagine what it’s like with a baby☹️

OP, when you think it is the right time, for you, to "let it go" (and it may be that a part of you doesn't feel that's right yet) there are some ways to help with the intrusive thoughts. For instance, ask about seeing someone trained in EMDR, which emerged as a treatment for PTSD but has broader utility (most counsellors are not trained in this). For now, you might want to ask yourself this: if I could wave a magic wand which meant you would never give your DH a hard time about his affair again (& not feel the need to), would you do it? Or do you feel he needs to face more consequences before this can happen?

if you* could wave a magic wand, not "I"!

He has an absolute fucking cheek blaming you for throwing it at him.
And I don’t rate your counsellor for siding with him on that.

I do think, that if you’re going to stay, there comes a point where you really have to commit to never throwing it at him again. But that’s maybe 2 years, not 10 flipping months.

If he isn’t committed enough to fixing the marriage that HE fucked over, to accept your words without recrimination and with thought and apology - then you are wasting your time.

The only acceptable response he can make right now is “I am ashamed and sorry that I caused this hurt”. Not fucking moaning that you need to shut up.

Perhaps your counsellor needs to work with him on how he reflects on your displays of your still understandably raw hurt?

The fact that he won’t, now... I’m sorry, but to me that shows that he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings - which is why he allowed himself to cheat on you in the first place. And whilst he still doesn’t care? Why would he not cheat again?