Happiness after infidelity

[Willibehappyagain]

I’ve posted under various user names since finding out about h affair 10 months ago. I find talking to people that have or are going through the same shit really helpful.

My question is, can you ever be happy after infidelity? We’re reconciling but I can’t forget and I haven’t forgiven yet but I realise it’s a long process. I’m beginning to feel something like happiness with my life again with him but every time anything he says or does pisses me off or upsets me I wonder what the hell im doing with a cheater and wonder will I ever be happy to just put it in the past where it belongs.

He feels I’m doing more damage to the relationship now by throwing it in his face during every argument/discussion and to a certain degree the counsellor agrees with him. She had though been great at staying neutral and help us work on our communication together, not so much talking but what we hear each other say.

Am I kidding myself that this will be my happy ever after? Should I just cut my losses and go now and save us from further hurt? I don’t want to hurt him by throwing it in his face as to be honest he’s hurting enough and punishing himself. The kids are happy at the moment and after what they’ve been through the thought of upsetting their lives again is hideous.

It’s just so damn hard isn’t it. I hate that this has happened. I hate even more that his was his decisions that led us here.

I’m in bits so I’d rather people with no experience come along and say LTB as it’s not helpful. One thing I’ve realised is life isn’t black and white and whereas I was convinced I’d walk before this happened it’s not quite that easy.

I've been told it can take 2 years. You might find trauma therapy helps - EMDR has been great for me

You need to not throw it in his face, as hard as that is. By all means tell him how you are feeling, but it will just breed resentment if you fling it at him and that won't help you to move on. Have you explored with the counsellor why you keep throwing it at him? Maybe you need some one to one counselling to get those feelings out in that kind of environment.

There are a myriad of factors as to whether you can get past it and I am sure you have heard most of them. Offending partner must cut contact with other party, be remorseful etc etc.

I think we need to be a bit careful telling people 'oh x time isn't very long'. People deal with things very differently and some people can be 'over it' a lot more than others after less than a year. If you have a reasonably busy life I think it's a lot easier too. Just like there will be some levels of infidelity so severe that many would never get over it even decades down the line.

to all affected

Someone else has mentioned edmr to me but I have to admit from reading about it I’m a bit sceptical.

ellisandra maybe I worded it wrongly but the counsellor really hadn’t sided with him. I felt our previous one did which is why I couldn’t go back to her but this one is much more neutral. And I see where she’s coming from. It’s not so much as siding with him but siding with the marriage and what it needs to heal.

Interesting question about the magic wand. I guess although part of me would love to never mention it again it still hurts so much and I want him to know that it hurts. It’s not like I want to deliberately punish him but I also don’t want him to think I’m over it if I never mention it again. Does that make sense? Despite all the hurt he’s caused I still love him and want to grow old with him. I’m just not sure that I can get over this and be happy because at the moment it still haunts me. It’s always there and pops into my head randomly. I’ve developed fairly good coping mechanisms and take myself mentally to my happy place but days like yesterday I just feel weighed down by it all.

However shit it is and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I’m glad I’m not alone and have you all to talk to and offer different perspectives.

Also just to add, he has shown genuine remorse etc etc. He feels ashamed and embarrassed by his behaviour. I guess I can empathise with him to a certain extent and can see why he wouldn’t want it thrown in his face.

I think no matter how ashamed and embarrased they are something inside you ‘dies’ , the head and heart aren’t necessarily lined up the same and stuff that you would have just brushed off now annoys. I too was told to ‘give it a rest’ and yet after the first few months it is very rarely mentioned by me. He has never once brought it up off his own back and I wish he had.

I'm 6 months one and still feel quite raw. I have good days and bad days but the horrid thoughts don't seem to be leaving me. Someone said earlier something inside dies and yep that's the exact feeling I have. The man I married is gone, I'm hiding away pretending to friends and family all is fine - no one knows what he's done, I however I do and some days find it hard just to look at him. We have two children both with autism, it would really rock their world if I got shot of him.. right now I'm trying to move on but if I'm honest I'm doubtful.

On the good days I'm planning an exit strategy on the bad days I take the kids to school and go to bed. I feel your pain, I'm just saddened by how many of us their are in the same situation 🙁

Thanks for responding to my post @ willibehappyagain, when you have enough going on yourself.
He basically doesn't think it's an affair but I know has not told her it's over. They're both off work now for the summer ( teachers) so he reckons he's not able to tell her- also says there's nothing to finish.....! He says he would want to let her down in person & that he owes her that much. Shame he didn't consider what he might owe me & his son. She's also in a relationship with a child.
Just one week on from discovery and he's finding my anger at best an irritation. I feel like he's become seriously unbalanced as one minute it's all how much he loves me and can't believe what he's done and then when I ask if he can now be honest he gets annoyed & I don't know if it's guilt or just feeling sorry that he got caught.
After my post yesterday when he'd asked if I minded him going out I was so annoyed that he didn't think he really shouldn't ask that I told him it was over and I wanted him at least out of the house for a few hours while I cleared my head. He was very shocked and sad but i stood my ground only to find that after his initial sadness he went and caught up with his friend after all.
I think I know really what's needed but then he'll turn around and tell me it's me he wants, just that we have problems to sort. After 22 years together of course there are issues!
Anyway, sorry to rant. Thanks for listening & hope your weekend's going well.

If it was a ONS I think it is easier for the cheated on spouse to move on- it may have been a spur of the moment mistake, a one off. But a full blown physical or emotional affair is very hard to come back from ime. Take your time but you haven't failed if you need to divorce. Life is short to be with someone who abused your trust so callously.

I think I get what you feel: you want to rebuild but not "as if nothing ever happened " . On the contrary this is the starting point. And you want to find a new way to communicate-you are basically in a complete relationship...things that went without saying have to be said. Niceties that were not acknowledged have to be acknowledged. Things thst were forgiven or swept undr the carpet because it was hard to tslk about them (diffetence of petsonalities etc) and tgey were piccadillis can be a trigger and need talking about ....
That is what the affair does: nothing come in a natural way anymore...the speciAl bond is broken. ..but hey it is not bad having to talk and to elucidate things and validate feelings ...if course the beyrayer has to undrstsnd the need of all this and understand that it will never ever go to what it used to be...It is an ongoing process...

Thanks all for your further posts. I agree, something inside you does die.
I’ve felt calmer again in the last couple of days but that’s another thing he finds difficult to deal with-the up and down of it all. I’m not quite sure what he ever expected though.

Someone uptjread said about hating them. I worry that one day I will feel like that. I absolutely hate what he’s done and put me and the kids through for his own selfish needs. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing staying with him and wonder what I’m teaching the kids. On the other hand it could be said that I’m teaching them forgiveness. But I do worry that one day I may think I’ll hate him enough to leave. But the kids are so settled again now it would break them again for the s to split up. That responsibility to them weighs on me sometimes and by him moving back him (we had been living apart for 6m) I sometimes feel I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t get off.
whatdyknow sorry for what you are going through.

Yes. 6 years later I am very happy. It took the best part of 4.5 years to get there though. The reason i am happy is the steps I took after DDay to make myself happier and stronger. We are still together and doing well but if that was to change I would handle it just fine.

but h seems to think I need to put it behind us and move on
This is a major issue right here.
HE will never ever ever understand what you are going through.

You've been brave. You've taken (IMHO) the far harder road.
I couldn't forgive and certainly couldn't forget and I had to end it.
What you are doing is hard work. Really really hard work.
And it's required from both of you.

Have you read the book together? Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

Problem is, if you make the decision to stay then... no your won't ever forget this. Probably never fully forgive, but you do need to make a pact with yourself, not to bring it up in arguments, EVER!!!

Definitely get some more individual counselling.
You may find another 2 years down the line, you just can't do this.
And that's OK too.

10 months is no time at all.
And you've probably never had any space on your own to really thing through what YOU want.
He's no doubt, been in your space the whole time.
If that's the case, then it might be good for you to get away for a few days. Is that possible at all?

irian that’s good to know
hellsbells we’ve read that book (and countless others!!). I’ve had lots of space in that he moved out although obviously he’s always been around for the kids. I have a good social life though with regular nights out, exercise classes, girls weekends away etc so do get space. I’m seeing my counsellor on Thursday.
I’m struggling with not ever mentioning it again. It haunts me. I understand about not throwing it in his face during arguments but what I struggle with is not mentioning it when it bothers me.
Take this morning for example-I’m feeling down about my body as I’ve worked hard since this happened to exercise and tone up for me (not him) but my stomach stubbornly remains wrinkly and pouch like. The rational part of me knows this is entirely normal for a 40 something with kids but then the irrational part of me will get upset knowing the ow was 10 years younger with no dc. I asked him how he’d feel if I’d shagged someone 10years younger with a six pack. He just can’t possibly understand how shit it makes me feel and why I was crying about it. I know it’s my own self esteem issues too but how do you not compare yourself to ow??

@Willibehappyagain very interesting you say that your feeling like that. I to have joined the gym and really made effort for me.. I'm also over 40 with two children and my tummy isn't looking it's best. Ironically the OW had no children and was much younger (he won't say how old). I just can't compare, never will and it makes me feel awful. Thing is I never felt like this before, I was happy in myself and confident with my body. Now I feel old and fat and out of shape. It's the mental tournament I'm finding hard to deal with just as much as the actual infidelity. No amount of reassurance is doing any good and my husband has tried (half hearted). I wish I had wise words of encouragement I really do but what your experiencing sound all to familiar to me. x

thebird it’s rubbish isn’t it? Sometimes I wonder whether I’d be better leaving him but I think the low self esteem issues would remain. Like you I was fairly body confident before but now feel old and fat. I’ve lost count of the clothes/make up I’ve bougjt since all this happened in a bid to make myself feel better.
As you say, it’s the mental torture. That’s precisely what they can’t ever understand.

@Willibehappyagain yes..! I've also racked up a whole new wardrobe and I'm not even sure why as I was quite happy before. I'm really doubtful if I can ever get past this. I'm 46 now son I spring chicken, the kids need the stability and routine so to walk away really would be detrimental to them hence me trying to patch it up. I actually dreamt last night he decided he could take no more of me being miserable and decided to leave, I woke up thinking wow what if... now I'm angry with myself for thinking I'm the one losing out! The damage he's done is unexplainable and he just thinks I'm harping on (torturing) him.. his words. Not a day goes by with me not thinking about this hell. I enjoy the gym as some sort of escape I think. I also think he can't be happy, I'm certainly not! Why oh why risk all this heartache it's totally beyond me.

I don’t get it either thebird...I will never understand how he did it. I understand where the marriage was, I understand my part in our marriage breakdown, I understand his unhappiness with life at the time, I understand that you can’t help a “connection” but I will never understand how he could do it and lie and betray me and the kids.
I too don’t go a day without thinking about it and is what I mean when I say it haunts me. I don’t consciously choose to think about it but it’s always there lurking in the background. That’s what stops me being truly happy, the knowledge of what he did and the hurt I’m still feeling. But that knowledge and hurt will still be there if I walk away plus I’ll have to deal with the kids hurt. I know I can’t stay just for them but equally I can’t walk away unless I’m totally sure that this isn’t right. And on some days it is right, on some days we can be how we once were or better. Some days we can understand each other, communicate and have fun. But then it comes crashing down because I remember the affair. And it’s almost like a blow to the stomach all over again.

Oh I totally understand, I also don't think we are alone. It would appear my marriages end up in this vicious circle. I just feel right now is not the best time for me to kick him out or walk away. I'm hoping in time this pain gets less and the feelings that pop up out of nowhere subside. I did initially give myself 6 months but now I'm thinking more a year.. I'm so scared for the future - do you feel that way? The amount of lies I've been told really concerns me, I feel quite reckless to - like what's the point everyone takes the piss and can't be trusted. I feel like I've been this deluded stay at home mummy completely blinkered about my husband vile behaviour. Some days I want to scream at people and tell them what I really think of him.. others days we trot along nicely and it's like it never happened. I'm also concerned for my own sanity but that's a whole heap of horse 💩 I don't want to delve into. Some say it's all part of the process.. yay aren't we the lucky ones. x

Can’t write much more as need to get on with work but yes, totally scared by the future. I initially gave myself 6 months too and now I’m looking more towards 18m. What scares me is how uncertain life is. I always thought I could rely on him, I never thought he would cheat. It scares me how I got that so wrong and if he can behave like that then I think that if I walked and met someone else they would too.

I'm here and can relate if you ever want to talk x

OP I’ve been thinking the EXACT same things recently. The want to be back to a place of security etc in the relationship. I wonder if it’s one of the natural progressions as I’m just a bit behind you in finding out.

I find it hard to accept that life is hard, and that so many other people get to have the security of marriage, whereas I now don’t. Do you know what I mean?

I do think it will get better. I hope so.

My DH however is happy (well, I don’t think he’s happy, but he will!) to talk about it and I’ve never felt rushed into getting over it.

I think 10 months is nothing but h seems to think I need to put it behind us and move on. I guess that’s one of the differences with us-he can compartmentalise and put it away in a box whereas I can’t.

Oh mine was also very demanding about me forgiving him - what does that actually mean anyway ? Forgiving them ? 10 months ? Hallo - it's going to take a bit longer than that ! You never forget . I have a friend who every day of her life thinks " why am I still with him ?" - she chose to stay for financial security and age of children at the time and now ? well she does love him but it's always there and comes out in other forms.

My marriage split up as we just never recovered from the affair and his inability to talk about his feelings . Good luck you will need it - sacrifice yourself for the children ? Hard but I also understand why you would consider it .