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Original poster

Is porn in front of our partner acceptable?

27 replies

Newstart2 · 13/07/2018 19:54

My husband came to bed last night and was looking at his phone, I asked what he was looking at and he said in a very casual way "porn" then showed me a picture of a spreadeagled naked lady. I said I was upset by this and found it insulting, he said "why? you know I look at porn". Regardless of the fact I found out previously looks at porn and was very hurt and asked him not to do it again, thats a different subject. He thinks I am overreacting that he was looking at porn while laying next to me in our bed, I know I am quite prudish but are other mothers comfortable to be sat next to their husband while they look at porn? (obviously some couples choose to do as couples, thats their choice, no judgement, but not for me)

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2018 19:56

He knows you don’t like him looking at porn at all so it’s intentionally hurtful and disrespectful to do it in front of you.

That would a deal breaker for me, it’s disgusting.

Beebiesandcheebies · 13/07/2018 19:57

Well it wouldn't be acceptable to me!

FermatsTheorem · 13/07/2018 20:02

"Regardless of the fact I found out previously looks at porn and was very hurt and asked him not to do it again, thats a different subject."

Actually, "regardless" and "That's a different subject" are completely wrong in that sentence. It should read:

" Despite the fact I found out previously looks at porn and was very hurt and asked him not to do it again, which is very much to the point 'cos it shows the bastard is doing it quite deliberately with the express intention of hurting me as much as possible. "

OP, I hate to say this, but regardless of whether one is pro or anti porn, your husband is deliberately and maliciously and calculatedly being a complete cunt to you on this one.

mindutopia · 13/07/2018 20:08

It depends on the context. If he was lying next to me wanking off I’d be annoyed (that’s private and I don’t need it happening next to me while I’m catching up on celebrity gossip). But personally I don’t have a problem with him looking at it and I wouldn’t necessarily be offended at him sharing that with me if it was in context and not in a rude way. It’s a bit odd to just peruse it before bed the way some people read the news though.

Oldstyle · 13/07/2018 20:21

It's not kind or respectful or loving - particularly since you have told him that you find it hurtful. How would he feel if you were casually flicking through images of naked beefcake while lying in bed next to him I wonder. What a turn-off. I'd be inclined to trot off to the spare room permanently and leave him to it.

LaMainDeFatima · 13/07/2018 20:22

Gross but I suppose he felt he could be honest and open with you. Bit of a shit sandwich though

diedyediedye · 13/07/2018 20:41

It wouldn't bother me tbh. I'd probably turn on some porn myself.

chequeplease · 13/07/2018 20:46

I would definitely not find this acceptable.
What was he planning? Just watching porn casually, or then initiating sex?! Not the biggest turn on...

midnightmisssuki · 13/07/2018 21:10

it depends on your boundaries - if you dont like and and he knows, then he is being unreasonable. Not all women are the same.

Notthemessiah · 13/07/2018 22:22

If he didn't already know your feelings about it then that would be one thing, but to be that brazen about it when he's well aware that you don't like it is totally disrepectful (at best) and, imo, more likely to be him deliberately trying to provoke a reaction from you.

Does he often deliberately do other things he knows you don't like?

Gruffalina72 · 13/07/2018 22:41

Does he often deliberately do other things he knows you don't like?

Wondering the same.

In the circumstances you describe you're not overreacting at all. He was deliberately hurtful and disrespectful. That's not on.

Does he tell you you're overreacting a lot?

Where do you have the idea you're prudish from? Is this your idea or his?

rwalker · 14/07/2018 07:54

wouldn't bother asking for advice on here because views on porn are such a personal thing. some people find this ok some don't. but 10 out of 10 for honesty

MyBreadIsEggy · 14/07/2018 07:58

I’m on the fence about the entire porn thing.

If your husband is watching porn but you still have a healthy sex life and loving relationship, then I really wouldn’t have a problem with the porn or him watching it in the same room as me. If he started cracking one out right next to me than that would be weird though Hmm
But if he’s using porn as a substitute for a sex life with you then I’d have a problem - even more of a problem if he paraded it in front of me like that.

He knows you don’t like it, but did t anyway and deliberately showed you what he was doing. Does he make a habit of doing things he knows you don’t like??

Original poster
Newstart2 · 14/07/2018 10:31

He does also think I am over reacting when I found out he had a tinder account, apparently it was just so he could view peoples "funny profiles". He also thinks I am over reacting that he has a female friend that he messengers almost every day, admittedly all very innocent comments - but how many friends do you wake up and message first thing in the morning to ask "how are you today?". I am ashamed to say I only know this because I have sneakily been reading his messages, he didn't actually tell me that.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 14/07/2018 10:35

Your husband has no respect for you and assumes you are gullible enough to assume his tinder profile is to look at silly profiles.

What a dick, time for you to decide whether you deserve to be treated like his.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 14/07/2018 10:46

No one has a tinder account just to "view funny profiles". They have to hook up. He sounds like a total arsehole. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 14/07/2018 10:47
  • have IT to hook up
IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 14/07/2018 10:48

Your husband is a dick. Sorry.

Original poster
Newstart2 · 14/07/2018 11:33

No apologies necessary, I am also thinking he is a dick, but the choices I have to face next are very daunting. Just wanted some unbiased advice as to whether his behaviour is a bit odd. Don't want to drag friends and family into our problems, and certainly don't want to discuss with his mum etc the reasons why I am feeling upset!

OP posts:
Oldstyle · 14/07/2018 11:48

It's difficult isn't it - dickish behaviour is so universal and happens at so many levels, it's easy to feel that you're the one who's being unreasonable / making a fuss about nothing. But it isn't the specifics of the behaviour (although tinder is a real red flag issue I reckon), it's the general lack of loving respect that makes this behaviour significant. Maybe that's what you tackle rather than getting drawn in to the detail? Good luck either way.

TuTru · 14/07/2018 11:53

He very disrespectful.

It’s only ok if you say it’s ok and you do not xx

MyBreadIsEggy · 14/07/2018 12:20

Ok now I know he also has a tinder profile?!! He’s a cunt.
He has zero respect for you or your marriage.
This is the first time I’ve ever said it, but here we go: LTB

AdidasGirl · 14/07/2018 12:25

Looking at porn and having a tinder account are two very different things.
I've no problem with my DH looking at porn. I do myself but if he were to have a tinder account he would be gone.

MerryDeath · 14/07/2018 12:37

i just can't get worked up about porn anymore, i wish that was my biggest problem! there was a time when i would have been incensed but it seems trivial now.

Gruffalina72 · 14/07/2018 13:40

Yup, you're definitely not overreacting, but it's certainly been very convenient for him to convince you that you are, hasn't it? Meant he could carry on with no consequences.

I am ashamed to say I only know this because I have sneakily been reading his messages, he didn't actually tell me that.

The problem isn't that you were driven to check up on his honesty, the problem is all the unforgivable shit he's been doing behind your back. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I read he's told you you're overreacting about his tinder account. The problem is what he's been doing, not how you found out about it.

Please do not let anybody convince you that because you checked his messages you're actually the guilty party here. He is so far beyond acceptable it's unreal. It's not your shame to feel.

There was a decent thread by CoatsProtectionLeague I think on how to get your ducks in a row if that's where you want to go from here. Some of the thread called "Husband and prostitute" might also help.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me I'd be getting an exit plan in place and then acting on it. You don't deserve for your life to be filled with such hurt and disrespect.

If you want some support with the way he's manipulated your boundaries and convinced you you were overreacting about things then Freedom Programme might be helpful. It won't all apply to you, but no harm in taking in the parts that are helpful.

Good luck.