My upbringing...

[ArnoldBee]

So I'm 40 years old and it seems amongst my friends we were brought up in a similar fashion ie. Be polite, be responsible etc.
Examples of these include being employed, not dying hair unnatural colours, tidying your pots when you leave a cafe and generally being stable.

I see others around me that don't conform and to be honest it's really getting me down. They appear to be able to do as they please without any consequences and I have to say it's not fair anymore.

Aside from dyeing your hair (which has no beating on anything) the rest is just normal courtesy? Employment has to do with luck and individual's personal circumstances. I don't get your point.

*bearing

I'm not sure I understand really.

Why the colour of other people's hair gets you down and you see as unfair is odd.

If you mean that people are less respectful generally these days, I can understand more, but you'll always get people who do things differently or who have different priorities.

And let's be honest, if we were all conformists the world would be a rather dull place.

Maybe explain a bit more?

I don't know it's just this feeling of having to be the responsible one all the time. My friends feel it too and as such we don't really do anything wild and irresponsible. We all do things in a planned considered way and I want to feel more free to do as I please.

Not dyeing hair an unnatural colour sounds more a religious tenet as opposed to a moral one and not one I agree with. I love looking at people with rainbow hair. I think it's beautiful. The rest is just decent manners. Thankfully most people I interact with seem to share them.

This sounds quite judgemental really. Everyone is different and has different upbringings. Live and let live. You will end up very miserable if you let these small things bother you daily.

You dont have to conform. You can choose not to. There are very consequences as long as you remain a decent human being. The colour of your hair doesnt matter these days.

Who are the people who are getting you down? Its definitely not to do with your age btw. I work with the public and the rudest people are almost always 35+, especially women. No idea why. That and older men (65+). Most people are still polite (!), but Ive never been made to feel like a piece of shit by a 20 something woman.

OP - you have permission to do as you wish, you're an adult, go dye your hair if you want to.

Sorted.

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from, I'm 40 too, everybody else around me doesn't seem to give a toss.

I think you’re wrong about this being representative of our cohort.
I know plenty of feckless people in their 40s, and via my stepdaughter’s friends some really responsible people in their 20s.

It’s more individual differences than your age, I think.

So it’s up to you to change it. Although - don’t start leaving cafés in a mess!

I do understand the feeling of always being responsible and good. But rather than just dyeing your hair - unless you want to - I’d suggest reviewing your life, leisure time, responsibilities.

Do you have any free time?
Do you always choose to put others first?

Try listening out for what your inner voice wants to do.
Start small.

An invitation to a boring event!
Allow yourself to lie that you’re busy (or just say no thanks)
Feeling like you want a takeaway?
Just say yes to yourself for a change.

Stop thinking about - and blaming - your age and upbringing, and take responsibility for your own choices!

Good for you that non confirming people get you down it just sounds like a bunch of wank to be fair.

I've seen people with bright coloured hair and tattoos who are polite as I've seen 40 year old women trying to fight bouncers or swearing and being a complete bell end.

This OP seems to be a woe is me and my friends for being so polite in our upbringing we are the only ones ever! Kind of post.

I don't know it's just this feeling of having to be the responsible one all the time. My friends feel it too and as such we don't really do anything wild and irresponsible. We all do things in a planned considered way and I want to feel more free to do as I please.

Then do it, dye your hair op, go for it! You sound pretty judgemental tbh, have you ever actually spoken to one of these rainbow haired people?

I've dyed my hair all sorts of colours, have piercings and tattoos, been to festivals and all night raves. I've also had periods of unemployment (where I volunteered full time). Actually I do consider myself to be a responsible member of society though! I work hard, have a post grad degree, volunteer for couple charities, contribute to my community, raising a kid. Just because I've had my 'wild and free' moments doesn't mean I'm not a valued member of society! We need a huge range of people with different lifestyles to bring colour, richness, ideas, energy etc to the world.

Tell us op, what do you really want to do and what's holding you back from doing it?

We seem to have had very judgemental mothers. Mine died in May which while I loved her very much seems to have given me this sense of reaching for freedom. My other friends still have their mothers in their lives and are continual being judged. So yes perhaps a bit of woe is me as the past couple of unexpected months have brought feelings to the surface that had been suppressed. Odd how we were brought up in the same way though.

So many threads on here attach blame to their upbringing or their parents, often for their own bad choices but, hey, it's always someone else's fault.
You are in your forties. You are an adult. Give yourself permission to buy a motorcycle, go to Greece and shag a young waiter, drink yourself stupid, get a tattoo....do what the hell you want as long as you don't harm anyone.
It's not your parents holding you back. It's you.

Crossed post

the rest is just normal courtesy

For some people, not others.

We were at a school summer fete at the weekend. Some people were tidying their pots, others were leaving them. One family actually left a dropped scone and cream on the floor. Some people were swearing in earshot of dozens of children, some were polite. Some were arguing with the people running the games about how the hook-a-duck was too hard or there probably wasn’t winning tickets in the tombola 🙄, some were just joining in and having fun.

I know which people I preferred!

And I think a lot if it is upbringing. The children with the swearing rude parents were the ones with the swearing rude children for instance.

But I also think when you are older and can rationalise that, you can change.

^^ sorry for the silly sentence 😂
Hopefully you know what I mean lol!

The rules for work and uniforms still tend to have "No extreme hair colours".

Adhering to this and then find yourself working alongside someone with purple hair and who's not being pulled up on it, does leave me wondering what's the point of having these rules if they're not enforced?

So do something wild and responsible, you might feel better.

Did you miss the whole of the 1960s, 1970, 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s?

I don't think this is about age.

I know people in their 80s who had open relationships, went on protest marches, dyed their hair strange colours and don't conform. Lots of people who made really important discoveries also "didn't work", or pursued creative endeavours while being penniless. Personally, I'm glad they did - Van Gogh? Shakespeare?

I also can't see that anything about 'not conforming' automatically means that you're going to be a selfish lout who litters and leaves rubbish for waitresses to clear up.

Go do something crazy and wonderful! Yet keep your ethos about being kind and respectful to others. Best of both worlds!

I've booked myself a party that mother never would have approved of :-)
I have a disabled husband which brings on additional responsibilities however he dies tell me to relax more which is quite hard when you could end up calling a paramedic at any given time - literally.

OP - we are all products of our upbringing, but most adults should be able to choose which of their parents' views to retain and which to reject. Generally, rules which are based on common politeness and respect for others are good to keep. Ones which are based on daft or old-fashioned judgmental ideas (e.g. about hair colour)... not so much.

Not everyone had that kind of upbringing, which is probably why some people are more likely not to conform. I’m younger than you but my parents were always of the ‘do what makes you happy’ school of thought which meant they advised and supported me but ultimately sat back and let me make my own decisions some of which were reckless impulse choices.

Ever since childhood I’ve been the kind of person who instinctively rebels, if someone tells me to do something it makes me want to do the opposite. I’ve had unnaturally coloured hair in the past and have tattoos. I chased a profession that’s very hard to get into rather than a more ‘sensible’ route (I am now employed in it). I don’t really care if people think I’m non-conformist, I do what feels right for me. Can you listen to your impulses a bit more?

I've very conservative judgemental parents. Bless them lol. I've never 'conformed' but I've always been considerate, polite and employed. I'm 50. I've experienced better manners, more tolerance and compassion for others from my punk friends than the general public.